We all have hard outer shells. These shells can be shed. Relationships are about the timing and depth of the disrobing process. Beneath the first layer is another layer, and another layer, and another, and another. What would it feel like to know there was someone whom you could take them all off for? Disarm ourselves of the protection and the armor, and just be. It takes some time to soften our defenses and realize that no matter what our defenses look like we are capable of love, giving and receiving it.
Date#12 and I met on Friday night. Since he got a little turned around trying to find the coffee shop, I was talking to him on the phone while trying to find his exact location. I saw him zoom right by me so I ran into the street and chased behind him telling him to look in his rearview mirror. I caught up to his car and I jumped in, out of breath and said hello. I sat there, a passenger waiting to get my wits about me. We decided to have Thai in Soquel. By the time we merged onto the freeway, I knew his name and his line of work. He drove very fast and sped up to stop just before hitting the cars that were ahead of us on the freeway. I completely tuned out most of what he was saying on our car ride to Star of Siam, as I was seriously concerned about the chances of us getting there in one piece. I didn’t get a good look at him until I was seated across from him at the table. Once we sat down he pulled out his wallet, a watch (from where, I am not exactly sure), and his cell phone which he lined up side by side on the table. He put the phone on a stand, facing him. I told him it was nice to see him face to face. He lives in San Jose and works in the tech industry. He told me that he lives in a small apartment, but was currently looking to buy. His profile mentioned that he was very settled in his life and that all of the goals he had set out or himself were falling into place. He was ready to settle down with the right person. He said it would be nice to find someone who shared the same interests but that it wasn't necessary. I got the feeling he was nervous because he laughed louder and longer to make things funnier than they really were. He was very good at small talk, but I was having a hard time gauging who he really was. I started asking questions. After most of his answers he would make a comment about how weird he was. I wasn’t quite buying it. He did seem a little different from the guys I have been going out with but I got the impression that he was really apologizing for himself. He has been skydiving, loves a day at the races, fast cars and guns. His hobbies and interests were not explicit on his profile. I became curious as to what his insides were all about. He told me that he believed in “traditional american values”, and he was all red white and blue. I didn’t mention that I was Canadian. I asked him what he considered “all american values” and he couldn’t tell me. Then he said he was pro-choice and wasn’t against gay marriage. I asked him what he liked about guns, he said the mechanics and he believes that guns make people more safe. I dug deeper. “So does that mean you believe that if we all had guns we would all be safer?” “Yes” he replied, I told him that I wasn’t a big fan of guns, although I had shot one once before. At one point in the conversation when we were talking about motorcycle engines, he said, “I bet all that just went over your head.” I stared him right in the eyes and asked him exactly what he thought was so hard for me to understand. Then I said, just for emphasis, “Could you explain that again?”. There were moments on this date where I felt my pulse elevate and my eyes darted toward the door. I brought myself back by reminding myself that I am here to learn and that meeting new people is a gift. It may not have seemed like it at first, but date#12 was a sensitive, successful man holding it together by a thread. We left the restaurant and our next destination was Marinis. His driving was still erratic and I gave some pretty obvious signals that it was making me nervous. He asked me if I would like him to be a little more careful, but being that nothing changed even after his offer, it seemed to be pretty much out of his control. We got downtown and walked together to get some candy. To be honest had there not been the prospect of fudge in the future, the date might have ended sooner than later. He and I waited to be helped and he told me a few things that helped explain why he was self conscious and why I felt it was hard for me to let my guard down around him. He disclosed to me in middle school and high school, he was considered an outcast. Pieces of him were starting to come together. It seemed like had I not had the focus to really try and see him and what makes up his essence, I might have missed him alltogether. We took our loot and found a bench to sit on and talked. I started to feel the energy calm down. I let my guard a little. My jaw softened. I saw him as another human being lost in the world just looking for a little softness and comfort. Even though his conversation and attitude at first was more representative of a combatant republican. He noted that he was having a really good time. I was glad. I felt good about the fact that we were finally able to feel a glimpse of connection.
Our individual covers have different thicknesses and textures. These layers are designed to keep us emotionally safe and intact. I believe the ultimate goal in life is to find the way to the center of what it is we are guarding with such care. Relationships are the roadmap, guiding us and others to that sacred space within ourselves and each other. Last year, I messaged a friend for help after a taste of revealing the next layer to be peeled.
October 17, 2011
Jude: it could be as simple as the natural human need we have to connect with someone, even if it's just for a few hours
we all get lonely
especially those of us that are going through this craziness alone
Me: I think that would apply to both him and I
Jude: okay, well here's another thing to bear in mind, and I’m just going by my own experience
the older you get and are still single, the more complicated it gets
a lot of fear and caution
Me: but I long for more, I want my heart to have regular connection on a regular basis
Jude: I want the same thing....
sometimes it just seems so out of reach for me
Me: well it did to me too, and then this thing just kinda happened with this guy last night.....we have been getting to know each other for a little while and it just seemed so right at the time
I’m just really attracted to him
Jude: been there...
Me: which side
Jude: both
Me: I’d like to think that I could cultivate this openness and attraction with whomever whenever I want.....maybe thats whats going on
Jude: like I said, it gets complicated as we get older, since we've all been hurt, rejected, etc. people get more guarded and cautious perhaps cause there's simply more at stake when we get older
seriously
Me: very, very true but for me it has been almost the opposite in some ways too
Jude: I mean, look at me. Im 42 years old, single, never married, only had 3 girlfriends in my whole life
sometimes, you cant help but question yourself
Me: the truth is, that was the first time I have had sex in like almost 4 years, so it was good and it felt right
Jude:
I understand
I think the best thing I can suggest to you right now is, just take it slow and don't read too much into it yet
Me:
mmmmmm good advice
processing old stuff sucks and changing behavior is sooooo humbling
Jude:
well, sitting there making yourself crazy about it isn’t gonna help at the present time, ya know?
Me:
totally
that’s why it helps to chat it out with you
Jude:
I miss you
I really do
Me:
miss you too
you're a good friend jude
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