say hello and wave goodbye

He’s just gone.  It’s just over, just like that.  My heart was feeling so heavy it took me about 20 minutes of laying down to finally re-balance and sit upright.  Aftershocks continued to pulsate through my psyche, I took deep breaths to help relieve some of the pressure.  But it’s over.  Finished.  How very strange.

I had decided last week that I needed to practice not grasping for control when it came to the destiny of my romantic relationships.  Since I have put this into practice, my intrigues have been much shorter than in the past.  If I was as diluted as I was five to ten years ago, these encounters would have gone on for much, much longer.  Today my  un-returned text message and two unanswered phone calls followed by my hanging up without leaving messages, assured me that what was coming my way was most certainly not “I cant wait to see you”.  I would normally feel sorry for myself.  I would reflexively jump into feeling victimized, annoyed, and believe that I would never recover.  However the funny thing is all this rejection lately is actually helping me see more clearly the things I don’t want.  

The reason I texted mr.ten today in the first place was, as a result of being hurt buy our “commitment” conversation, I decided to withdrawal a little and give him what I perceived as some much needed space.  Once the space had been established (a few days without contact)  he texted, I responded. Then he texted, I responded.  This went on for a few days but all of the texts were one sentence long and he never did respond to my email concerning my response to his general explanation as to what happened that Saturday morning.  All of the signs were pointing toward continued involvement.  But we had still not set up the next time to see each other and he never called me to talk.  

On Saturday, I confided in one of my male clients who is 26 years old and in a committed relationship. He has amazing insight when it comes to romantic advice.  I asked his opinion of the concept “playing hard to get”.  He scoffed and said, girls that play hard to get are just overanalyzing types. He pointed out, it would be much more beneficial for me to just be myself.  I was relieved and ecstatic.  I revealed that I find playing mind games excruciatingly impossible and didn’t see how that could lead to the type of relationship I wanted anyway.  I expressed to my client, I sometimes was scared, feeling I was too creative, artistic and intense and how just being myself would surely be too overwhelming for a nice guy.  He shook his head, meaning no.  He told me I was a deep thinker, therefore I needed to be with a deep thinker; not someone who was shallow and insecure.  I believed him.  He gave me his number incase I needed any on the spot advice and I was flattered.  I have been cutting his hair for about a year and have really grown to respect him.  I also mentioned that one of the amazing byproducts of this project is how I am able and have become increasingly comfortable, reaching out to others for support as the subject matter is often quite confusing and I cannot do it on my own.

There is a balance of give and take in relationships.  In the beginning it is hard to gauge timing and which is the appropriate next course of action.  I have confronted my propensity toward dominating the direction of my romantic involvements and I find myself settling into on a balance.  As I sat there waiting in the wings, contemplating my destiny with mr.ten, I began to wonder if this is how I would like my next enduring romantic relationship to feel like.  Is the symbiotic exchange occurring in ways that I would desire long term?  And the answer was clearly no.  It was obvious to me, there was now an apparent disconnect in what he was saying and what he was doing.  I became uncomfortable.  I felt like the dishonestly was beginning to fester like a rotting piece of food in a hard to reach place, only discovered by the sudden unpleasant odor .  So I texted him, telling him I was beginning to sense that he was either in the process of, or had already lost interest.  I assumed a response would help me to clarify where things were headed sooner rather than later.  However it took him a bloody eight hours to respond.   I felt as if I had been romantically taken hostage. He explained, he was at work, sick and in no condition for talking, but my intuition was pretty correct.  My initial reaction was, what?  really? Just like that? 

I could go into all of the judgments and place blame for my hurt feelings which would resemble an emotional baggage version of hot potato, but I’ll get straight to the point.  This is not how I want to feel.  I want to know that I am loved, stable and secure in my relationship.  Not hanging by a thread waiting days on end for the next move.  I want there to be consistency.  Mutual adoration and a respect for one another’s feelings.  I want a man who is emotionally mature enough to know what he wants, and what he wants is me. I am getting so much closer in my minds eye to believing that a man out there of this description exists.