I landed in San Francisco to live another day. I got off the plane and made my way down to baggage claim and waited outside. I stood there at the curb in the sun as I tried to suppress my anxiety about him not being on time. I tried to make myself as visible as possible, so there was no chance of him driving past me. It reminded me of when I was a kid. I was always the last one to be picked up. I remember one day after softball practice, I waited and waited and waited for my mom to pick me up. Everyone else’s parents took all of my friends and I was alone. She just didn’t show up. I remember that sound, of no one talking or playing. I tried so hard not to cry. I walked home embarrassed by the fact that I had turned down so many rides from other kids parents, and forced my self to believe that it was no big deal, but I knew in my heart that I felt unloved.
I’m sure he’ll be here soon I reasoned. I was starting to get a little hot so I decided to take a seat on a bench in the shade behind me by the glass doors. I grabbed my stuff, turned around and noticed date#16 was in fact sitting on that bench with his sketch pad out. I sat down next to him and said hi, and gave him a short kiss. We sat there for a few moments, I’m not totally sure why. We walked back to my car and he asked if I wanted to drive, I said I didn’t care and he offered, so I let him. Somewhere just outside of San Francisco, in my rolling vehicle, he mentioned that he had spent some time with her, while I was gone. I slouched and made that face I make when I am trying not to show my hurt feelings on the inside, my “just remain calm” face. It is an interceptor place that prevents me from freaking and lashing out. I remember the sky and scenery flying past us out the window as he explained, maybe he wasn't done with her after all. I just took it in. He said he felt bad about laying it on me, after I had just come back from such a great trip. I said it was ok. He confessed that he couldn't believe that I was not yelling at him. I had no desire to yell at him, it made sense. We talked a little about where we were going to go from there, but mostly we just accepted the truth of the situation. I told him, if we wanted to be together, we could have a really good and healthy relationship. He agreed. I asked him what his plans were for the rest of the day. He said that he did really have any. I asked him if he would be willing to learn how to do some contact dance with me. He said sure.
Then the rush came, the consequences of his attachment to her. I felt anxiety. I simply could not think. I didn’t want to say anything. I knew whatever I said would come off snobbish and cheeky. My body wanted to say it all. While I was in Portland dance#13 and I had many conversations using words, but the most powerful exchanges were through our dances. When date#16 and I got back to my house I could feel the draw to dance with him throbbing inside of me. He could sense it and I could sense he was stalling for time. Maybe in hindsight it was because he was being shy or because he was not used to nonsexual physical contact. But I needed to dance with him, it was almost primal. He mentioned a book, Zorba the Greek, where Zorba dances his “wild man” in efforts to communicate with Basil, another character in the book. We began by just leaning into each other. I wanted to communicate that I was exhausted by my own thoughts. We danced it out. We rolled on the floor, in silence, sometimes pushing sometimes pulling. I felt the carpet press into my skin as I let him roll over me. I brought my legs in close to my chest and rolled over and around him again. We kept our movements somewhat confined due to the lack of space. So much can be said through conscious movement of the body. It’s body language at it’s finest. There was a point where we were facing each other, our arms wrapped around each other tight, we were both breathing really fast and heavy, standing. We were rocking back and forth in a strong embrace; almost falling backward, almost falling forward. That was us yelling at each other. Yelling, I want you and I am frustrated, and it felt so good. We found an ending. I felt much better.
We kissed. I was feeling very fragile. I was feeling like I didn’t want to be alone. But Lucy's dad was dropping her off at my house at 7:00 pm. It was 5:15 pm. I could feel my confusion and frustration coming back again. I really wanted to spend more time with him. It felt so good to be near him. I felt my mind run into a brick wall. We started to go into some familiar patterns, I became overly accepting of being “the other woman” and he began and ended every sentence with “I don't know”. Our interaction started to resemble that familiar place where I stop being clear, present and loving and begin to withdraw. The best solution I could come up with was to come back to communicating with him. I put my finger on it. I was acting like that because I had a need that was not being met. I took out my key and I unlocked my heart, then I unlocked my mouth, and I pulled out the words, “you know what I really want? what I really want is for you to comeback after I put Lucy to bed”
“ok”, he replied.
I was slightly in shock. That’s it? It was as simple as that? I just needed to ask? So that’s what he did. That night we didn’t have sex, again and yet he was still interested in me.
The next morning. I knew what must be done. We must stay friends.
After he left I texted:
me: words cannot explain how grateful I am for your ability to hold space for the multitude of intense feelings being transacted. I hope that it continues, as I really feel that our friendship could really blossom into a stable healthy place. I look forward to holding steady boundaries
(how optimistic of me)
him: me too!
me: wow cool huh?
him: yeah!
Safety. It seems that every time I find the newest mixture of grey within the relationship someone goes and adds a little more white, a little more black. My equilibrium is thrown off balance again and adjustments must be made. Some people think an edge is meant to be uncomfortable. I think that the most wonderful benefit of walking the edge of emotional growth is finding it, and confronting it, and crossing over it. I always end up feeling even more safe and secure after conquering it. So how can I stay safe in the space when I don’t know it leaping off the edge is going to result in a beautiful soaring in flight or a crashing to the ground leaving me bloody and broken?
PANIC:
pain, pain pain. This is unclear. Murky, cloudy, water. Not knowing what kind of creatures lurk around the corners, including my own inner demons. Hiding out seems like the best option, but I’m craving a fix as well. He’s not over her. I’m so drawn to him. I feel like there is a box assembled around my heart holding me back. The sensation in my body is one of tightness in my chest, pressure in my ribs, shortness of breath and over all sadness. Sometimes this sensation means its to much to bear and I usually let go because I feel cheep, used and worthless. I want to know that he values me. Is the solution to show that I value myself? Can I value myself without slamming the door on him?
In some ways I don’t feel safe anymore. When we talked on the cliffs I said I did’t think we should have sex if we were going to be seeing other people. That night he came over and we did not sleep together. It felt right I was able to keep myself safe. Right now he doesn't feel safe. Maybe withdrawing is the right idea. Boundaries. We talked about having good boundaries. When I don’t feel safe where do I go? Back into my self, into my own sense of trust or into the care of someone that I do trust. I’m not feeling safe. I am feeling confused. I am feeling as if the fate of my relationship with him rests in the hands of a 22 year old puppet master. I don’t feel that he is in control of his own actions. I feel that she is. I feel that his life has been based around what she wants and what’s good for her and If I put my trust in him, I am in turn putting my life in her hands which is obviously not safe, by any stretch the imagination. That is why I felt so so strongly for him to to show his detachment from her. I did not want her to dictate our relationship. I need someone who strong enough to make their own decisions, based in reality and healthy safe space. I am all for pushing my edge within a safe container. This is no longer a safe container. I can feel it in my body. At this point I can’t even imagine dancing with him. I need him to be present. I can say to him, when he feels solid in himself and in his body I would like to hang out with him. That is it. So what does that look like? When he is not obsessing about her, when he is in his body, when he is strong, when he feels like doing something healthy. I am available for that. I will not drag him out of the whirlpool, but if he feels like getting out for a while and walking on the deck with me and sunning himself then I am totally ok with that. That is my boundary. I am available for safe, fun, non-dysfunctional activity. Hiking, surfing, present conscious, dancing, playing music, biking. I am available for that.
Only time will tell. My mind cant help but project possible outcomes. I try to live with the motto of “no enemy” but for some reason I just love to turn people I like into the bad guy. Every once and a while I get a tiny glimpse of what it would feel like to not be afraid of rejection. I remember, I am independent strong and capable, I have a life to be lived. I keep on living and if someone wants to join me so be it. I get it, I know what this is about. Nice one universe. I am seriously rolling my eyes right now. The universe is proving to me that I can be rejected and survive. If my greatest fear is rejection, then if it happens enough times and I am ok, doesn't that prove that I don't have to be afraid of it anymore. I just have to keep stating my needs and if someone responds great and if they don't I am still ok.
Is it the ever illusive law of attraction that creates healthy relationships? It was suggested to me that I could start thinking about what being healed means. That’s an interesting question. It’s a question of asking what I really want. I guess the funny thing is I still don’t know. I guess I know a little bit more. I want to be able to communicate really well without fighting. Someone who is not an active addict, someone who appreciates balance in life. Someone who takes good care of themselves, someone who doesn't need to caretake others. Whose spirituality steers them in the direction of the greater good. Perhaps it’s not working cause its just not right. When it comes to date#16 I am experiencing disappointment and feelings of sadness due to failed expectations. So what is my expectation? I am looking for companionship, feeling loved and feeling appreciated, romance. I guess this ties into the single mom thing. I have a hard time not feeling sorry for myself when it comes to raising a child on my own half the time. I guess that is the part I need to accept. This is not the way I wanted it to be. This is not how I expected. I thought that being with a man would lead me to some kind of happily ever after. I didn't realize I’d be doing this all alone. There is that old story again. Telling me, I’m doing it all alone. I was alone. I am no longer alone. I may spend time by myself, but fuck I am not alone.
So after two phone calls to two different friends I felt better. I had the afternoon free, I figured I could paint. I felt good, I felt whole, I asked date#16 if he wanted to come over.
I danced by myself in my living room. He came over. We painted. When he came over I felt a sense of support that was new to me. I realized that I didn’t need to dump my feelings on him, but I did want support and I wanted it from him. He gave it freely. We walked to the lane and sat out on the cliff. In the same spot as that night we had our talk, with a little less fear. I felt grounded. We talked about future art projects. I was an adult. He said it felt good to hang out with another adult too referencing how his ex is somewhat childish. He drove me home. He said we should paint again sometime. I asked if we were still on for our hike on Friday he said yes. We gave each other a look. It was so good. I can feel it leaving me. I am no longer chasing. My affections are being reciprocated. I know he likes me. I feel it in reality. I feel if he stops reciprocating it would be easy for me to walk away. But when he reaches back, looks back, talks back and likes me back it feels so good.
I want to say this is the turning point where I let it all go and am free from anxiety and am available to love freely. I want to say that I am open to the surprise of letting things unfold and that since I am literally writing my own story that I can change its direction by simply typing different words onto my keyboard. We have a plan to go hiking on Friday, I was thinking about making him a picnic of his favorite foods. I’m going to dare to be open again. If he rejects me because I am too nice then it wasn't meant to be anyway.
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