He came over and made a suggestion. We would have baseline of friendship and then the rest would be icing on the cake. I felt great about that. A friend of mine asked me how many times we have had conversations like this. I got defensive. I said this is how I do relationships. I am insecure when it comes to interacting with people, so having these conversations regularly and simply allows me to get the information I need to grow and fosters intimacy. I think the fact that he committed to the friendship actually did the trick as far as a little security is concerned. I can remind myself of this when I get scared and think he is going to run away. I believe we are spiritual beings and our purpose of being on this planet, is working out our lessons with others. We are surrounded by people who have been cast to act accordingly in the lessons we are in the process of learning.
Last night I watched a movie about a man and a woman who are “just friends” they decide to have a kid together because neither the woman who is approaching her later 30’s, or her male friend has found “the one” yet. They count on avoiding all of the trials and tribulations that usually occur for married couples when raising a child because they are not romantically involved. They intend to resume their pursuits of life long romantic partners after putting the business of “having a baby” behind them. I have to admit, I related. I have noticed that dating without having experienced the trauma of the first years of childrearing with someone, does makes the romance a little easier to come by. It’s hardly a secret that sleep deprivation is miserable and misery loves company. I mentioned to Lylah, a while back, that although she has her husband and all the joys of parenting with her child’s father, there were also benefits to starting from scratch as well. Even if only because of not having to race against the ticking of my biological clock. I often wonder if I would be willing to have another child if I thought we were in a healthy and truly happy committed relationship. She has experienced troubled times with her husband and they are still together. They almost broke up around the time that I met her. To be honest there were times when I thought that course of action made the most sense, but she stuck it out. She is my rock and role model when it comes to not running away. It has become increasingly clear that I have tried to compulsively run away from my relationship with date#16 at least 3 times in the last month. I find it interesting that he knew Lylah’s sister. They went to high school and made art together. She died by her own hands when she was in her early twenties, as a result of schizophrenia. Lylah has been advising me how to stick it out and not run away from date#16, which I’m certain is giving her the confidence to do the same when she has doubts concerning her own relationship. I can’t help but wonder if the spirit of Lylah’s sister has a hand in all of this. Sometimes I think spiritual beings are privy to synchronicities and perhaps help guide them along. Lylah is one of the friends that I have found is worth sticking around for. We have had disagreements, we have forgotten to show up to each others important events, there have been times where I couldn't reach her and there have been times when I was too busy to respond. Yet I am still grateful for her friendship. In fact she was there when no one else was, right after Lucy’s dad left. I am abolishing my previous ideal that relationships should be stagnant and fixed all the time. How boring. There are so many different analogies I could come up with when it comes to flexibility within relationships, riding a wave, falling down, dancing even skateboarding. All of these things involve a relationship to gravity and what’s awaits below.
I’d like to focus on trust. I used to be more trusting, I also used to be gullible. So whats the difference?
“Gullibility is a failure of social intelligence in which a person is easily tricked or manipulated into an ill-advised course of action. It is closely related to credulity, which is the tendency to believe unlikely propositions that are unsupported by evidence.” (wikipedia)
“Trust: In a social context, trust has several connotations. Definitions of trust typically refer to a situation characterized by the following aspects: One party (trustor) is willing to rely on the actions of another party (trustee); the situation is directed to the future. In addition, the trustor (voluntarily or forcedly) abandons control over the actions performed by the trustee. As a consequence, the trustor is uncertain about the outcome of the other's actions; he can only develop and evaluate expectations. The uncertainty involves the risk of failure or harm to the trustor if the trustee will not behave as desired.” (wikipedia)
Yep that pretty much sums it up. It seems so obvious why I would have a hard time with trusting. Yet, so far the only thing date#16 has done that would be considered untrustworthy (not able to be relied on as honest or truthful) is well, ......nothing. Hmmm.
In my mind what challenges my trust is the belief that if an individual doesn't do what I want them to, then I can’t trust them. Which actually is not breaking trust at all, and is more accurately described as disappointment and attempts at manipulation, control, seduction, formulation and scheming. Oh boy, I am constantly in shock at how the behaviors I have displayed because I have been afraid, are so blazingly un-fulfilling and unhealthy. I am truly amazed that it is indeed ME that has been the one displaying the behaviors perpetuating my own cycle. It is very tricky to convince myself that my own story isn’t true.
If I were to say that date#16 and I were well on our way to getting married and flying to the moon, that might be labeled as gullible, but if I said we are working on a friendship and seeing where that takes us I’d say that is more an example of trust.
I had a question to ask him. I wanted to ask, but I was sure even I wasn't that brave. I had great visions of him teaching Lucy how to surf and play guitar. The way he played with her, was so great. It was so nice to have him there to bring out the best in her. When he suggested the baseline of friendship I was finally willing to take that risk. I asked him if he would be willing to hang out with me and Lucy together. He said yes. It’s a start. I think it will be good for both of us, Lucy and I. She has only seen me as a sterile mommy. I think she would benefit from my role modeling of how to have a relationship or love a man. Once again I can do that for her. I can show her how to be fearless, mature and loving in a relationship. I can show her how friendship is important. I can teach her to accept things as they are and be grateful for the pure experience of someone I admire. I can show her it’s ok to receive love. She can learn that trust is a normal way of life, not a novelty that is reserved for people who are perfect. I can’t help but think of “The Aristocats”. I’m serious.
I think it might be helpful for me to remember learning something new is sometimes difficult at first. but practice and perseverance make sustainable behaviors possible. I am stumbling though, I am communicating my feelings even when I feel silly and lost. But so far the returns I have received surpass anything I have experienced in any relationship before. Here are the facts. I have asked him specific questions and have been able to get answers. I know he is physically attracted to me, as I am to him. I know he is being honest with me, as I am honest with him. I know he is intelligent. I know we both love the ocean. I know he is not running away even though he is in over his head. I know I respect him and want to do my best to honor the feelings he is experiencing on his path. I know that we are bonding and we are learning things together.
Here is what I want. I want to know his fears. I want to know what makes him happy. I want to know his position on things, the experience of getting to know him and his essence. I want to have fun with him. I want him to be comfortable, to be heard and to feel safe. I want to let go of control, so I can allow myself to trust him. I want him to thrive, whatever that means to him. I want to love him, as love is a verb. I want to focus on my life and remember that this is a holistic approach. A healthy relationship means I have my own hula hoop, and he has his. We can come very close together hooping side by side but we will never be inside one hoop. I am performing my own dance, my own goals, my own trajectory of life. I will put my best foot forward in school and let my codependent obsessive thinking will dissolve as I know that I am secure in my relationship to him, whatever that looks like. I am fumbling. I am not perfect and I don't want to be. I want to be real, gritty and a little dirty. I want to stay. I want to stay all of the time. That’s right I said it, all of the time. Not just when I feel like it, not just when my ego is being satiated, but all of the time. That’s why our friendship is so important. It’s a commitment that seems significantly less intimidating. I want him to know that I will be here, and I need to know that he will be there for me too. I want to live my life as an available friend, lover and mother. I want to be available when he is happy, when he is hurting, when he is confused, when he is looking for a partner who he can rely on. When he is changing, when he is afraid, when he is moving forward. And equally important, all those things must be reciprocated. I must remember that a healthy relationship is equal. I can give to that beautiful man exactly what is right, an I can be open to accepting it as well. As I learned with mr.ten, a big part of changing my previous relationship dynamic is letting someone want me. I welcome the kind of love that feels good, where actions taken are fulfilling and they inspire my heart to soar. The more content and fulfilled I am in my own life, the more I have to give away and the more I can help others. I believe in the power of healing and I believe that it is exciting to lift others up. I am excited to give love, to receive love and to be love.
Our interaction is in progress. The fact that he has not found a resolution with his ex may mean my struggle with the mystery will continue to be geared in that direction. But I know that loving within the mystery is all inclusive. Whether it is an unresolved relationship or a change in life’s path, people by nature live in the space of mystery, and always will. I will never have the security I was once looking for. What I thought I was looking for was security and a cemented relationship, but what I needed was trust. That is what I have been missing all along. At this very moment I can feel it. I feel secure. I feel content in the unknown. This feeling will hide and I won’t remember having ever felt like this within the next 12 hours, I’m sure. But I know that healthy behaviors grow, when they are exposed to the light. I know that I will experience this faith and trust more regularly as long as I keep practicing the behaviors that lead me to feeling like this in the first place. There is more to learn here and I am not a psychic, I can only be responsible for my actions and how I relate to the situation. Each relationship is a case of trial and error. I am learning more about myself and him everyday and more will be revealed as our relationship evolves. Either way I am grateful for the opportunity to know him. We all have issues, we all have behaviors we are ashamed of. I never have to force myself to do anything anymore, I just pay attention to what comes naturally and I do it with loving kindness.
I had a dream. I dreamt all men and women were together in a rose garden. Some of them had been sad for so long, they had become disoriented and didn’t even know where they were. Some of them wandered around numb. The deeply wounded behaved like skittish small animals, they were panicked and could’t find a place to hide. They felt overexposed and trapped by a large circle of people holding hands surrounding the garden. The wounded felt the urge to run, they longed to get out. The wanted to be alone to find refuge within their solitude. But the perimeter of people holding hands were nurturing, gentle and kind and this softened their desire. At first they were scared and uncomfortable, they were unsure of what to expect and questioned whether or not they could trust. They walked toward the outer circle with thoughts of escape, uncertain if they would be brutally forced to stay. They have been hit before, they have been coerced into doing things they didn't want to do and it hurt. The wounded learned not to trust,. They learned that trusting was not safe because the adults were sick. But the adults in this circle looked different. They were smiling, they were relaxed and seemed to have no vested interest in forcing the wounded to stay. They invited them to do what made them feel comfortable. I had never seen that before. I thought that helping meant forcing someone to get better, to be better. I thought that if a person admitted to needing help that their power was taken away from them. But that’s not what was happening there. In the garden the adults were holding hands and the wounded weren't trying to escape. The wounded were still, they were staring blankly yet they were not running away. They were paralyzed but in their stillness, they realized they weren't getting hurt and slowly began to feel to a sense of peace. They imagined that was how trust might feel if they had it. Still they couldn’t move. They looked toward the center of the garden and noticed the joyous people resting peacefully or dancing with passion and laughter. The wounded use to resent those who danced their joy because they couldn't figure out how it was possible. They were dumbfounded by how the joyous felt so free. But when the wounded came back to the feeling of trust, which they had felt just moments before, it drew them to dance. Their limbs begged to sway and wanted to reach out. Their feet began to lift slowly off the ground and shuffle. They were being pulled from the inside to connect with those joyful people. People who didn’t look so scary or so intimidating anymore. The wounded began to feel like they weren't so different after all. They realized that the only thing separating them from the joyous was their location in the circle. They took a step toward the center of the garden, and immediately fear and hesitation flushed their cheeks. They thought, What if they judge me? What if they can tell that I am not one of them? What if they don't like me? What if they know all the things that have happened to me? What if they know that I feel sorry for myself and I’m not perfect? As the negative thoughts came, the wounded began to glide backward toward the edge of the circle. They were not walking backward, just gliding back; being automatically propelled by their negative thoughts. But as they slid further toward the edge of the garden they never actually extended beyond the perimeter of the circle, because the circle just kept growing. One by one the people who were dancing their joy in middle, seamlessly filed into the perimeter, joining hands. The circle surrounding the garden became bigger still. Some of the wounded were gliding backward without even knowing it, some were aware of their gliding, but did not know why, and then there were those who knew why, but still couldn’t stop they're backsliding. The circle continued to grow bigger. From above, it appeared the wounded were in the center of the garden. The circle grew faster than the wounded moved backward. Gradually the wounded no longer felt separate. They felt heard, not dragged into the middle, they just magically found themselves there. They had begun to heal, they began to reach out and touch one another, they began to thaw out emotionally. They were no longer the wounded, they were now the healing. The healing began to move as a group like an amoeba, slowly and little unsure. The members holding hands began to to include themselves in the center once again and dance their joy. It became difficult to differentiate between the two once segregated groups. In their minds the healing were temped to run back to the outside, when they got nervous or self-conscious. However the temptation always fell short of how good it felt to dance in the middle of the beautiful rose garden. It felt healthy, real, it felt like love. Over time that feeling grew, and grew and grew. The healing forgot why they ever felt like being on the outside in the first place. They were fulfilled, supported and free. Free to give to the next group of wounded individuals who found themselves edging toward outside of the circle. The healed surrounded them, wandered to the perimeter and held space and modeled how to dance their joy and the circle was complete.
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