So yet again I was instructed to give the ultimatum. I was assured the only way I could possibly carry on with date#16 was to threaten him, and tell him to make a decision. He’s already putting the pressure on himself, he doesn’t need my input. I almost fell for it, I had visions of driving over to his house, writing a letter or writing an email to force the issue. I began telling the story to one of my clients who has been married for over 35 years. Pretty quickly he pointed out that human nature wasn’t going to permit me to continue being on the back burner. I agreed, he said I needed to give him an ultimatum and tell him to choose her or me. I said I saw where he was coming from, but I felt that it just wasn’t the right time. I felt we were in the middle of a process. I pointed out to my client that when in a long term relationship, there will always be times when there is a conflict of interest, inevitably difficult issues arise in relationships that last 20 or 30 years. I said that if I saw myself going for the long haul with him, I wasn’t going to make these kinds of relationship decisions by myself, it would be navigated by the two of us. I feel that our relationship is already some sort of partnership simply because we have set it up that way. For just a moment I thought about a relationship defined by the interactions of the two people involved and not by onlookers. The exchanges between date#16 and I are honest, open, positive, compromising, communicative, vulnerable, scary and trusting. It feels like we are building a bridge between us. Our design must allow for flexibility otherwise it will never last. The stable foundation is within me and within him. He can talk to me, he shows up when he says he is going to and he tells me he likes me. But all of my reasons for hanging in there with him were being contradicted by the temptation to get I want instantly, by making him choose. Yet everything in my body began to tense up and I started feeling anxiety again at the prospect of doing so. I knew I would not be able to stick to my resolve and force him to make a decision. My client tapped into my pride and my fear of losing him. He of course told me I was going to get hurt. But I noticed that I felt more much more hurt at the thought of coercing him into making a decision. It’s a real possibility that he may be with her for quite a while longer. But how does a relationship magically repair itself, from cheating with his best friend, lying all the time, and an obvious lack of maturity? Relationships can’t magically be healed without a tremendous amount of work. However, out of embarrassment I left my client vowing that I was indeed going to make him decide.
A few weeks ago a coworker of mine told us that her dog was sick, Tiki had some internal bleeding and the prognosis was not good. The vet asked if they wanted to put her down at the office and end her life immediately. Naomi chose to take her home and let her death happen naturally. They had planned a big camping trip and were planning on taking Tiki with them, but when they heard the news she thought maybe they should cancel the trip. They were devastated and a part of them wished they had never found out in the first place. But then they realized that those were her last days and they wanted to appreciate her consciously as well as have her be happy and content during the ending of her life. Naomi told me she was trying to hold it together so that Tiki wouldn't pick up on their grief because they just wanted her to be happy. I started thinking about unconditional love. It seemed as though they loved their dog unconditionally. I could tell in Naomi's eyes and the tremble when she spoke, that she was devastated. She clearly loved Tiki with all her heart and the idea of never seeing her dog again was unfathomable. It was obvious that she never held back her love from her, she was her baby. I started becoming curious about what that kind of love would feel like with another human being, and I began to get some insight concerning what losing a partner or after being together for 40 years would feel like. If one were truly attached and happy and loved that person with all of their heart, their disappearance would be devastating. Because of my attachment issues I have never really been capable of that kind of love before. I began to sense that if date#16 and I kept on like this I could see myself experiencing that kind of love. I went back to the break room and she was crying, I felt it. She was grieving. Tiki was gone, this loss is harsh, it required her to accept the truth that things you love pass on, go out of your reach and she will never see her again. Grief especially when it comes to death is multifaceted and it puts many other things in perspective. She began talking about how much she loved her.
My inner defiant teenager boiled up inside me and I wanted to scream. There was no way in hell I was going to bring that kind of grief upon myself. I already can’t imagine my life without him why on earth would I ever push him away? If you have been lucky enough to find someone who opens your heart and shakes you yo the core, you know they are divinely given. I know that I have been lucky enough to experience the sensation of romantic selfless love three times so far in my life. The other two times, they walked away from me. I had to accept that they were gone. I let go of Garp gracefully. I’d rather not admit the things I did trying to hold on to David, while he was walking away, it’s kind of embarrassing. When Garp walked away I let go mostly with my dignity intact, but it nearly killed me on the inside. My amount and stubbornness and holding on to David was in direct proportion to the the level of pain I experienced when letting Garp go.
Okay that’s it, these are the days of the internet, things have just gotten so weird. I am perusing date#16’s Facebook profile and I find a link to her pintrest profile. Pintrest is a website where people display images of things they like and interest them. I go to her pintrest page find a page called “my fake wedding” laden with all of her wedding ideas, some of which have been pinned over the last two days. Something is not right. I’ll tell you what not right, me in the head. Why on earth am I getting involved with this? My fake wedding? I’ll tell you what, the next wedding I plan is going to be real! Oh I couldn’t help myself I had to keep looking, and as I looked deeper into her interests, I became really sad. This wasn’t going to be easy. I worried that my hope of his being on the verge of making a break from her is a little moronic. I know that for me endings have come when they could. I could never force an ending and I still can’t, I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do, other than keep breathing. My eyes don't want to see, what’s headed my way. I have been finding myself praying again, praying to help me stay open, praying that my love will be safe with him. I just want it to work. I have done so much work, trying to get better and now that I have found him why isn’t it working? I’m feeling discouraged, stupid and scared. Asking myself to stay positive and present is like asking Joan Rivers to be satisfied with her appearance. I don’t want this to be about her. I want this to be about us, he and I. Am I good enough? Am I what he wants? Because if I’m not, please I beg you, have a heart and let me go. Please let me go. I want to know if those feelings he has are easy to ignore or if they nag at him during the day and make him want to see me even though he is conflicted, even though he is not supposed to want to. This is not how I thought this story would go. Again I thought I could just walk away. Fuck, maybe I should. Why can’t I just walk away? I’m so confused. At least I know I’m not alone, we are confused together. I guess the reason I am staying is because I want to be his friend and I believe I always will. I know that sounds horribly cliche and stupid but it’s what is true for me now and thats the best I can do. I’m not sure I possess the amount of maturity it will take to really just be friends, I can’t see how in the world that will be possible. I am so afraid I’m losing this battle, the battle within myself. Dear god, have mercy on me, please make him decide to end it with her before monday.
He’s here he’s alive, not dead. I must proceed with reckless abandon, I must proceed toward a full surrender.
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