when you don't know what to do, be yourself

I believe he was a rock climber and I think she was a little older than him.  I noticed her independence.  She didn’t seem to cling to him or present herself as needy in his presence.  I remember him telling stories of his travels at the Thanksgiving dinner table and I noticed she didn’t become agitated or jealous.  I filed that away in the cabinet of my consciousness.  I was nineteen years old.  I pondered their dynamic and wondered how long they would last.  I think on some level I felt like he was a drifter and was just passing through my friend’s mom, and her four kid’s lives.  Over the last 12 years I have seen them together at the farmers market, the grocery store and restaurants.  Last week, while I was driving an image of them popped into my head.  There was something about my energy with date#16 that felt similar to what I had witnessed between them all those years ago.  

A few days later I pulled into a parking spot at Whole Foods and noticed my friends mom’s boyfriend was standing outside of the car next to me, talking to his dogs through the window.  I paused and wondered if I should explore and see if there was anything I could learn from this coincidence.  In a split second I opened my mouth not fully sure of what was to come out, and said,

“I know this is really weird, but I remember you from many years ago, are you still with Kelsey's mom?”

“Yes”, He said.

“ I just have been thinking about you guys lately because I am seeing someone and I feel like it mirrors your vibe with her” 

“Well thats a good sign”, he said

I smiled and agreed. 

 “What is it? What makes it work for you two? How have you stayed together for so long?”, I asked.

“We are ourselves and we continue to be willing to being ourselves more and more” 

I nodded my head smiling.  He commented that no one has ever approached him like that before.  And perhaps he should be more forth coming when he feels the need to take such a risk.  I said “Yeah, it’s so worth it”.  He thanked me for asking.  Lucy and I went in the store.  It seems that I have had many spiritual awakenings as a result of impromptu meetings at the grocery store.  I thanked the universe for yet another divine grocery interaction.   Monday turned into Tuesday and I successfully stayed sane until his phone call in the late afternoon.  His voice sounded sweet and mature coming through the phone, letting me know that he was off work.  I think I have only heard his voice over the phone maybe three times because he usually can only receive and send texts.  But since he lost his phone last week, he borrowed one to call me to set up our meeting time.  I pointed out that it felt weird to hear his voice over the phone and wondered if he was in there, inside of my phone.  He laughed.  I asked him if he wanted to come over before Lucy went to bed so we could all go to the beach.  He said yes.  We met at my house, grabbed our wetsuits and headed out.  We played in the water for a few hours, Lucy howled as she watched him glide over the surface of the waves on his skim board and we observed him in his element.  I love watching Lucy grow up in the ocean as well.  

This weekend when I was driving back from Lylah’s party I read a billboard that read, “The family that plays together stays together”.  We felt like family.  I asked him to watch Lucy so I could go out into the water.  I handed her over to him and he held her and I went out past the break,  I was free.  I was free to be myself.   I was free to experience fun again.  I haven’t felt like this since I was nineteen.  I swam for a few minutes, completely at peace.   

The three of us packed up,  left the beach and went back to my house.  We drove home happy.  

“That was so fun” he said, more than once.

It was.  We when we got back to my house he helped me carry stuff up the stairs.  He also made a comment when we left the beach wondering how I could get Lucy and the stroller up the stairs at the beach by myself.  We came inside and I took a shower, while he and Lucy watched silly animals on youtube.  We took pictures of us all making funny faces on my computer.  When I looked at them later on, he looked like he was supposed to be there.  I put Lucy to bed.  Once she was asleep, it was the two of us in the space of my house.  The space of the unknown once again.  He hugged me in the kitchen,  we felt drawn and then he stared making that noise.  It’s a whiney combination of empathy and guilt, I think.  I became hyper aware of what was about to transpire, and listened.  It was clear, he was back together with her.    All I could think was “What am I supposed to do?”.   No matter how hard I logically thought about it in my head, I could’t find a solution.  I believed that he was back together with her, it wasn’t that I didn’t,  it was just that it seemed so wrong.  I was frozen again, the sadness was filling up my body like a toxic fluid and it was only a matter of time before it came gushing out my eyes.  I felt a heaving in my chest and stomach, pain and anger in my heart.  Questions spun through my mind but I remained calm.  I didn't lecture, instead I leaned on him.  I wasn't sure if I felt pathetic or if I felt safe.  Strangely enough the next right thing was just to let him hold me.  Following that I didn't go to anger, I went to panic.  I started to feel like I was about to leave my body, I began tapping and quickly assessed how I would be able to remain present.  I considered listening to a song that helped comfort me during that week and figured it would either make me feel better or worse.  I heard the first couple notes and I felt better.  I took some deep breaths and continued making dinner.  But the second I started to see the chili come out of the can I felt like I was going to vomit.  He asked if I wanted him to finish making dinner.  I said yes.  I started crying. I walked over to the chair in front of my computer and firmly said, “You're an idiot”.  

“I know”, he said.  

“I’m so mad at you” I said to him.

  He started warming up the chili.   I started dancing in my living room.  I swayed just letting my emotions wash over me.  There was no other way to survive this.  I couldn't pull it together an pretend I was alright.  The only way I knew how to deal was to move my body and let my sadness dance me.  For a moment I became a little self conscious.  In an instant I remembered what had happened in the parking lot of the grocery store earlier that day.  Just be myself, I thought.  And with a giant exhale and a collapse in surrender, I let go.  I let it all go.  I lost sight of all expectations.  I swung my arms and leaned forward, I twisted my spine, my head tilted and lead the way.  I let all of my pain writhe up and rise up the back of my neck.  My face relaxed and I listened to the beauty of the notes.  Over and over and over, I found relief in the lyrics.  This song was proof that at one time someone had been as confused and in as much pain as I was and had turned it into beautiful music.  I acknowledged the collapse of my plan and understood my powerlessness.  I know nothing.  I am real, I am human.  I let go of the idea that he would think I was weird, I let go of the idea that he would think I was unique.  I relinquished my sadness and just moved to the rhythm of defeat.  I opened my mind to the possibility that I could keep waiting, after all I couldn’t imagine my life without him.  Which is not the same as I’d die without him,  I just feel that I would always choose to keep him around.   I smashed myself deeper into the carpet and curled into a ball on the floor  This is what it feels like to lose.  The melody filled me with wonderment and the true unpredictability of life, the fragility of reality.   I was reminded how everything can shift and change in an instant.  It makes me grateful for this moment right now.  I noticed he was watching me dance, as I exhaled all of  my fear, pain and control.  I just let it be.  The next time I looked up, he was sitting on my bed with his face in his hands.  I walked over to him and put my hands on his shoulders.  He looked up at me, tears forming.  I thought, then hesitated, then pushed on through.  I whispered in his ear “move with me”.  I took his hands and helped him stand up.  I had no fear.  I began to dance with someone I was mad at.  It’s a release like no other.   I gave more of my weight than I normally would just to make him catch me.  I lifted him over my back and took more risks, we threw each other.  He was present and I think we conversed more with ourselves than we did with each other.  Eventually our movements shifted and became fun and playful like two little puppies.  We both felt better.  We started talking.  We talked a lot.  We are learning to use our mouths as peacemakers.  As instruments of change and exchange.  Together we walked the line.  I amaze myself at what I am sharing and he amazes me too.  I felt our intimacy begin to wrap around each other, bulking and sticking like cotton candy.  He was able to tell me his feelings with much less hesitation this time.  I wanted to kiss him so bad.  His sticky sweet intimacy was tugging at my heart,  the hurt sunk into my back.  I told him what my mouth wanted to do, kiss him deeply.   He said that he really wanted to try and make it right with her.  I understood.  I wasn’t telling him so that he would kiss me.  I was saying it out loud because I was thinking it.   

He decided to spend the night.  I got into bed and rolled away from him.  I knew he was wanting things to be right and I wasn’t going to override his boundaries.  I rolled back over to him and said, “I’m hurting”, then rolled back toward the wall.  He gave me his hand.  I fell asleep.

He must have started kissing me while I was sleeping, because I woke up to his lips on mine.  He was driven, his energy was heightened, he was drinking me like a big glass of water, following a deep thirst for days.  I wanted him too.  As soon as I realized what was going on I opened the door and let him in.  Our bodies began, pulling, smacking, pushing, skin tugging, hair falling, I became absorbed by his momentum.  Green light.  I moved toward his drawstring.  I paused, met his eyes and asked if he wanted me to stop, he pushed my head into him, I took him in.  He is so safe for me, I loved it.  I was in a pretty deep sleep when I woke up to him so the whole thing kind of feels like a dream,  he pushed me from underneath.  

Her competition and my stone face, he wants everyone to be happy, but when feelings like this are involved, how? Our arms and legs moved in support,  gliding over each others surfaces.  We tumbled, rolling over each other.  We exchanged looks, a look of scarcity,  a look of seriousness.  How can the dimension of strong emotions be subsided when no one is denying how they feel?  He resisted kissing me earlier in the night because he thought it was right, but his instincts told him to keep taking me, over and over again.  He was positioning me with his emotion, his breath, and with his lust.  It was lust, pure lust. He and I came and went in waves.  I walked out of the bed.  I needed some air.  I grabbed some music and ate some chocolate on the front porch, the street lights were shining, the air was cold, it was quiet.  Still out of breath, my bricks were stacked atop one another, but I left before the motor was spread between them.  I was on my way to inner peace.  I felt my insides settle.  It was intense.  

I came back inside, I avoided eye contact with him, I wasn’t mad, I was emotionally shaken.  I had fallen asleep with a deep sadness and pain because I had to keep my lips away from his, and was awakened by a collision of desire, it was confusing.  I pulled out some paper, charcoal and pastels.  I drew bold shapes, silhouettes and drew them by candle light, my facing away from him.  When the feelings had subsided, I turned around.  He was on the edge of the bed facing me asleep.  I had the feeling he might have been watching me for a while.  I wanted to bring the candle over to the night table and just stare at his beautiful face, but I didn’t, I watched from a distance.  I was still hiding a little.  I got a little closer.  Eventually I kissed him, he opened his eyes, looking scared.  I smiled at him and his face relaxed and matched mine.  I think he thought I was mad at him.  It was a crescendo of strong emotions.  I came back to bed and we held each other close all night.  I just kept breathing.  

I am not afraid of melancholy.  I don’t fear my intensity anymore.  I am the kind of person, who stays up all night because the ideas just won’t stop.  I am the person who shuts down and opens back up in a matter of 5 minutes.  I am the woman who used to get drunk on a daily basis and smoke cigarettes until my fingernails were yellow just so I could carry on a conversation.  I have been apologizing for my melancholy my whole life.  I am deep, passionate, I want what I want and I want to create.  I want to be heard, I want to be seen, and I can love because I am raw, exposed, and things that stand in my way, get moved.  I am the type who gives second chances.  I am easily influenced by people who inspire me.  I like to talk things around in circles until the make sense.  I am a writer, not a wronger.

I feel better,  better than I ever have.  There is a completeness that resides in me.  He feels like family.  I am vacillating between pure peace and ease and anger.  I am angry because I don’t want to look like a fool.  I don’t want anyone to pity me.  I feel that when I am vulnerable inevitably I am pitied.  I so badly wish that being open was a trait that our culture revered,  but instead it is equated to weakness.  I will no longer look at kindness and patience as a liability.  I will embrace my sensitive nature and love myself for it.  I don’t need to feel shame for liking him so much.  He even said so himself, he said I don’t need to feel bad about anything.  My mind is a powerful place, if I let go more, is it possible that I could also enjoy my vulnerability more? Since I wont be so worried about what people think of me and allow myself to just be?  I am aware of my breathing.  I    imagine myself holding a bucket full of warm soapy water, the pane of glass in front of me is so dirty it is casting a shadow,  light can barely shine through.  The shadow, wants to keep me dark hidden away from love and hidden from people.  I l%^e him. I *#e him, I #@ve his eyes, I lo*^ his body and I lo^# his heart.  I can’t quite use that word yet because it doesn’t fit any other description of love that I have known before meeting him.  I want to know more. I want to know all about him.  I want to be free.  I want to be free to do whatever feels right.  I have spent so long holding back.  My whole life could be defined by things I didn’t do.  I do believe that life is precious and not to be wasted.  I must be patient, I must be kind and everything I do can be a conscious endeavor.