I met date#15 two years ago, when I first interviewed for the job at the museum. I met him in passing, he worked in the accounting department. He is in his late forties, salt and pepper hair and very smart. Over the next couple of years while I was working there I didn’t see him very often but when I did, I definitely got the feeling he found me attractive. Sometimes I would be sitting at a table finishing up some paperwork and I would catch him staring at me. I thought he was married. I would flirt with him but I tried to keep it light, since I had already dipped my toes into dating David and didn’t think it was too smart to get involved with another co-worker, even though they worked in entirely separate departments. I had been working up there, once a month for the last 2 years and I finally decided that the drive to the city was too much, and resigned from my position. Last week the museum was having an opening for an exhibit and I decided to attend. Maybe I wanted attention or maybe I did find date#15 attractive, I wan’t sure. I believe ending it with mr.ten intensified my curiosity. I went to the opening aware of the intention I had to explore my options with him.
I saw date#15 enter from across the room and I noticed he had gotten his haircut. It looked nice. I of course couldn’t help but wonder if he and I were on the same wavelength. I mingled around the party and midway through he walked over to where I was standing and asked if anyone wanted to go look at the pieces in the left wing with him. I said sure and we walked over there together, just he and I. As we walked down the hall I noticed the rumbling of chattering voices become softer, fainter and then by the time we turned the corner into the exhibit, they were gone. We stood there in the hollow room. Our energy echoed before our voices even made a sound. Seeing him like this felt slightly out of context and I flirted with my edge of exploring my feelings about him. On the walls were a series of vintage black and white photographs of old time baseball players. I asked him if he liked baseball, he said not really. He admitted he wan’t much of an athlete but, there was one thing he really loved. He made me promise not to laugh, I obliged. he revealed to me that he loves playing putt putt golf. I didn’t laugh, and I was feeling gutsy so I asked him if he would like to play sometime.
We agreed before we left the party to keep in touch and make a date to play. I went back home and in my heart of hearts I knew I was not attracted to this man. But I figured it would be fun to play mini golf with him. We chatted online a bit over the next week and scheduled a time to meet. The communication was slightly unclear and I was a bit concerned that he was going to stand me up. I finally called him to tell him I was there waiting and he said he was on his way. I was a little nervous. There is something about hiding the truth that makes me uncomfortable. I knew he had been checking me out for the last couple of years but he was reigning it in. I guess I was nervous that all of a sudden now that I was opening the door a little, that I might be flooded by him. It seemed as though he felt tentative about his attraction to me.
This date ended up being a test of my boundaries. My conviction, my self-esteem and morals. There was a time in my life when I believed that it was impossible for a man to love me, if they thought that having sex with me was out of the question.
The thing about this guy was that he has heart. He too has a story, metal illness has deeply demolished his family, and my perception of him is that he tries his best everyday to do the right thing despite his painful experiences and history. I have to admit that the extent of mental illness in his family scares me just a little. He said he thought I was beautiful, and there is a little hook. Hearing that felt really good. So good that I can’t get it out of my head.
I’m not sure what else to say. Other than is it worth going out with guys just for fun? It’s such a tricky area for me because, sometimes it doesn't feel safe. I don’t trust my motives with this guy. I hate admitting that. There was something that was happening while we were talking that made me feel uneasy. It’s strange because, just when it seems like I could have a connection with anyone, little red flags pop up and I start to second guess whether that is true or not. I had a good time playing with him but, when I compare it to how I feel when I am dancing with some of the guy friend dancers, or dance#13 it seems pretty clear that comparatively, I feel much safer with them. I guess what I am running into is the fact that I can choose the dynamics I want in my life. We all have outer struggles and inner demons to deal with. I think we attract others who share similar characteristics of our own struggle. We meet each other all along various points on the spectrum of our healing or where we want our healing to be. I can a take steps back and see what people I surround myself with are really contributing to my life.
I think relationships are a lot like a dinner party, a potluck. Sometimes a certain food is really good and I eat it up fast and revel in the pleasure of the flavor. Other times it is so rich I can only take it in small doses, and others I simply don’t care for. Then there are those that taste good at first, but leave me feeling a little queasy and bloated afterwards, or maybe I’m allergic. Then there is junk food. That’s usually a red flag. I have a specific type of relationship, resembling the effects of junk food that produce a numbing effect on me. These are at best taken in small doses, and I need to take extra precautions when partaking in such exchanges. Usually these numbing effect relationships occur with a male, who pays sexual attention to me, yet I am not particularly attracted to them. It’s about control. I feel in control because I can tease them, set the pace of the intrigue and it gives me a false sense of worth. This is a pattern with men that has been especially hard for me to break. I find difficulty in not using sex as a form of currency, which I use to purchase their liking me. I have trouble separating sex from friendship whether I am attracted to them or not. As I explore this frustrating aspect of my dynamic with men I ask myself this, am I practicing this sexual flirting behavior with men I am not attracted to, because, I think thats all they are worth too? That is dangerous. Dropping boundaries with guys that I really have no interest in at all period, but because they are paying attention to me sexually I maintain an intrigue with them. I would like to stop doing that. I also feel like they're advances can’t be stopped, so I have to respond or I’m left with confrontation and exhausted from blocking their unrequited energy. How can stop doing this? Stop hanging around guys who do not respect my boundaries, that helps. Yet the truth is this is more an issue of me maintaining my own solid boundaries. These “junk food relationships” don’t happen for me that often anymore. These types of relationships set off a trigger in me to act out, instead of bringing the reality of each others true beings closer together. Danger, danger, danger. #15 is one of those people. It satiates the loneliness.
Why don’t I respect myself? It it because my parents didn’t respect me ? or because they didn’t respect themselves? Why don’t I discern my sexuality or who I like or even fall in love with? If I really think about what I want, none of the men I have ever been with have been have possessed those qualities. I don’t believe it’s because of scarcity. I believe that men who have the qualities I am looking for are scarce, is a myth.
STOP
I’m going to stop digging right there. I am not going to find problems where none exist. This was a date, just a mediocre date. The behavior I am talking about is really old. I don’t have to choose this path anymore. I will not choose this path. I will make decisions about whether continue relationships based on my feelings in the moment and by having good boundaries. I do not need to sleep with everyman that is attracted to me. In turn, I can also wait to sleep with men I am attracted to. I am excited to know what lies in store sexually for me now, and I do not have to be in a rush. I think now would be an appropriate time to check in with what I want in a partner.
It would start similarly how I felt when I met David except with a different outcome. When I met David, I was motivated and energetic about my education. I was thrilled to be in school and pursuing my life dream. I knew nothing was going to stand in my way. I had confidence, I was working so hard and I was opening up to the possibility of finding sustainable intimate relationships.
All this doubt and beating myself up for not acting perfect and over analyzing why I behave in such ways is completely pointless. What I need to remember that I am equal to everyone else. I am here to give not to receive. When I receive it is just the completion of the circle. I seek someone open mined, safe, honest and soft hearted. Someone who thinks I am the moon. Not because of my unique qualities, but because they love everyone open heartedly. I won’t have to be, do or say anything special to win their love and affection because it will be available to anyone who is willing to receive it. But the thing that will make the love between us special will be that we can deepen our love, by focusing it onto each other deeply and on purpose. He will have the desire to be there. He will want to stay. He will want me by his side. He will know how much there is to be gained by allowing somebody to love him. He will be sensitive. He will be strong. He will love, he will be love.
My heart aches for him. I know he is out there. He is waiting for me to run to him too. In this moment my heart is breaking in loneliness. This is just part of the process. It’s dark nights of the soul like this that will make our sweet time together even sweeter. I have always had this fantasy since I was a little kid that my husband would come home after I had already gone to bed. I could go to bed before he got home because I trust him completely. I am sleeping and I feel him come into the room. I hear him take off his shirt and his pants. He goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth and the fait light from underneath the door is peaking though. He turns off the light before opening the bathroom door, he put on a clean t-shirt in the dark. He slowly and quietly lifts the sheet on his side of the bed and gently lays down next to me. At first slowly as not to wake me, and he softly snuggles up behind me. He hugs me deeply, warmly and passionately because he knows the kind of woman I am. The kind of woman who put her child first, the woman who survived, and made it through. His wife, whose strength will be passed down through generations. The woman who made it all those years on her own and didn't settle so she could finally give him the love that he deserved, and he never wants to let her go. He appreciates her warmth, in fact he needs it. In addition to her depth and her heart. He doesn’t get scared by her openness and vulnerability, it turns him on. He never thought he would find her either. As he is a warrior as well. He had to learn so many lessons before he was ready for a miracle like her, and he is so grateful that he did.
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