people: not intended for single use only

I woke up this morning wishing I had woken up next to “him”.  I’m not sure if “him” was date#7, a past lover, or a man I have never met.  But as I rolled over beneath my sheets, I figuratively reached toward the empty space where “he” will someday be.  

Date#7 is 27 years old. This is the first time in my life, I have even considered dating guys younger than me. I couldn't help but think about the age difference.  I referred to myself as old numerous times.  My hope is that what they lack in life experience, will be counterbalanced by a less jaded, more easy going outlook on life.  We met at Lulus for “a drink”.  He had tea, I had a cappuccino.  I got the general impression from our email exchanges, that he was a laid back, relaxed kinda guy, he was.  He seemed introverted, but I liked that he had a calm contemplative demeanor.  He slightly resembled Prince William....he really did.  He walked up to where I was sitting, in front of the coffee shop and I felt a rush of relief and excitement.  I love that moment when I meet a date in person for the first time. He and I began with some small talk, and I learned that he is from the east coast, graduated with a degree in economics and has lived in Santa Cruz for about 2 years.  He does really interesting work as a investigator for the public defenders office.  He is passionate about his job and feels grateful for his position and a comfortable work environment.  He conducts interviews and writes reports concerning evidence related to the people being represented.  My first impression of him was that he had a great capacity for understanding people.  He was sweet, yet very masculine in his posture.  His gaze was slightly seductive.  We started walking down Pacific Ave and I asked if he was hungry. He said just a little, but I was starving.   So we agreed on sushi.  It wan’t until after we sat down and started browsing the menu, that he reminded me he’s vegetarian. He has never eaten meat except for fish twice, which were both accidents.  I felt a little sheepish for suggesting sushi, but I ate veggie sushi all throughout my pregnancy. Some of it is pretty good.  There were some moments during dinner where the conversation waned.  Leave it to me to bring up esoteric ideas on religion, math and spirituality to liven the conversation.  He was well educated and we conversed a little about metaphysics.   His mom is a 7th day Adventist, but he identifies as agnostic.  After dinner he asked what we should do.  I suggested going to play pool.  He high-fived me and then said he doesn't high five often, only for really deserving occasions.  We walked in and the bouncer sitting at the top of the stairs asked for our ID’s.  I looked at him slightly flattered and said “really?  You want to ID me?”  He looked me over and was like, yeah.  I gave him my ID and he said, “oh I was totally off”.  Awesome. Date#7 basically kicked my ass at pool.  I did win the first round though because he sank the 8 ball breaking. I warmed up the by the last game and redeemed myself a little. We agreed to play our final game and he exclaimed “winner takes all”. I won again because he scratched shooting the 8 ball.  I told him it was only fair to give him half the wins.  He said that was compassionate of me.  I of course, was flattered.   I found it very attractive that he could handle the table.  He definitely played with a gentle sense of authority.  I imagine he would be that way in bed.  I have to admit I’m tempted to find out.  We had fun we were goofy, silly and it was a lot of fun.  There was a lot of witty energy.  I made him laugh.  

Here is an interesting observation: The more dates I go on, the more I can compare the different feelings I have around each of them.  I’m finding that my criteria for how well a date goes is not only about who they present themselves to be, but also about how I feel in their presence.   Its a very reality based gauge of liking.  When I was on date#7 I felt, relaxed, heard, appreciated and sexy.  I imagine if we go out again those feelings might intensify.  Once again I have to consider the focus of my project.  Is it about quantity or quality?  I think in order to really have an appreciation for quality, I have to have a certain quantity of variables to compare.  What I am getting at is; the qualities I am looking for are not only possessed by them (i.e. job, education,personality), but also the feelings I have inspired by them.  Here are some questions I have concerning emotions generated by a man I would like to pursue a relationship with....

Do I feel at ease and relaxed? Do they laugh at my jokes? Can we communicate our ideas concerning intellectual matters that are important to me?  When I reveal my true feelings are they handled with care or are they deflected? Do they regard me with respect and compassion or am I disposable to them?  As I become more comfortable and open, do they as well? or do they begin to withdraw?

In the past, no matter how I answered theses questions, I could still find a reason to stay involved with someone who didn’t respect or care for me, and treated me like I was disposable.  

Disposable. The definition of disposable is;  intended to be used once and then thrown away.  I want to examine this concept in terms of others treating me as disposable, and me treating others as disposable.  I will start by saying I have spent a lifetime treating others as disposable objects.  I have been afraid to be selfless.  I have had a hard time functioning in the world without desperately seeking approval and someone to inflate my ego.  I have not been very good historically at giving to others, emotionally or otherwise.  

I spent my most of my adult life in a self-help group chalk full of self-centered, surface oriented, unhealthy persons with very little skill in personal connection.  I was told that if I just reached out and asked for help, that I would receive it.  I was told that this group was the best network of camaraderie in existence and how lucky we were to be supported by each other in light of our troubled past and previous, lonely and empty lives.  Yet, I always felt disconnected.  I would have glimpses of connection but they were fleeting.  Often those moments of closeness themselves were disposable.  I would feel a bond with someone once, but then found it difficult to maintain or have it repeated.  These issues manifested in circumstances ranging from waiting for unreturned phone calls, not being invited to an event,  hosting events where no one showed up, to being told by a fellow member how others within the group hurtfully judged me.   

For many years I vacillated between extreme blame of myself and extreme blame of others for my inadequate skills concerning intimacy.  However, one party is never fully at fault. I had a hard time reaching out, preemptively expecting rejection.  I now practice reaching out despite the fear I have of rejection, and if rejection comes I let it go.  I have the sense to move onto another potential connection.  The connections I have with people close to me, themselves ebb and flow.   There is not one person in my life that I say is 100% available for me all of the time.  And that’s where my selflessness must play a part in relationships.  It is not my friend’s responsibility to be my emotional crutch, but rather another individual to exchange ideas and foster intimacy with on a case by case basis.  It takes some emotional strength and maturity on my part not to instantly write off people who don’t call me back right away.   But over time there becomes a pattern.  They are there for me, and I am there for them.  As I mentioned last week, I must be vulnerable to hold the space of friendship in times of imbalance and unavailability.  It is not black and white.

     

Generally speaking unhealthy relationships are unfulfiling. These days I can detect when the imbalance is too great.  I no longer have to make hard and fast rules about staying out of those kinds of relationships, as they will extinguish on their own.  The feeling is liberating.  Will I go out with date#7 again?  Yes.  Will I begin to stager dates as needed, to allow for a possible building of a relationship?  Yes.  If this project is about intimacy and getting to know people, I can not treat them as disposable. This project is about internal searching and seeking out the the personal challenges that stand in the way of my giving and receiving love.  As the project reveals such obstacles to me, I will follow the path where it leads.

“You don't get to cut that chain of evidence and start over. You're always going to be pursued by your data shadow, which is forming from thousands and thousands of little leaks and tributaries of information.” 

Bruce Sterling 

I have the power to choose where and with whom I spend my time.   As date#7 pointed out about me, I live my life by my own rules.  This is what I’m made of.  

i think tonight i just might have made my peace with him. it is very surreal.

it's the end of an era.

still don't know what love is

I used to think that having a soulmate meant something, but now I am beginning to think it means neurosis. The romantic notion of a miraculous, kinetic bond between two souls is intoxicating.  I know what that feels like. There was a time in my life when I was passionately in love.  I abandoned myself to an exhilarating romance that for some reason made me look over my shoulder.  It induced a certain paranoia, like I was participating in something criminal.  To be consumed in awe and wonderment of another human being felt dangerous.  Over the years I have played it off as "love addiction", but now coming from a place of authenticity and curiosity, I ask what exactly was so wrong with that "I got your back" kinda love anyway?  Other than that kind of vulnerability can leave me sobbing on the floor, wishing I could somehow trade that pain for something more tolerable. Say, a heard of elephants stampeding across my back.

Today felt like a endless match of emotional rugby.  My whole day was saturated with reverberations of signs and signals in relation to last night’s date.  I’m finding it hard to be objective.  I feel the emotional love crazies bubbling up in my brain.  They’re just festering, plotting and contemplating which absurd I idea I will act on next.

Date #6 and I met at a nice restaurant downtown. The caliber of his choice of where we should go for dinner definitely spoke to the fact that he was taking the date seriously. I on the other hand, was preparing for the worst.  But date#6 was a truly interesting, solid, upstanding member of society.   He’s 36 years old.  He is an Ayurvedic Practitioner and and has been living in Santa Cruz for 12 years. He was born in Nepal and practices yoga.  He has a masters degree in economics and he is thinking about going back to school to get a Masters in Business Administration.  He loves school. I was pleasantly surprised.  The conversation was engaging and we connected on some level. We enjoyed our meal and each others company.  He asked what I wanted to do after dinner.  I suggested walking around downtown. He gave me a surprised look and said, “I walk around San Francisco, but not Santa Cruz, it’s always the same.”  Anyone that knows me, would understand that his remark was an affront to my city.  It reminded me of an episode of “Sex and The City”, where Carrie sets Miranda up on a blind date with with a man obsessed with Manhattan. He makes a point to never leave the city and Miranda considered that freakish, New Yorker pride.  Granted I am not against exploring and leaving Santa Cruz, but the affection I have for downtown is similar to what the episode was parodying.  I asked him if he ever watched Sex and the City.  To my surprise he had seen every single episode and owns them all  on dvd.  We walked outside and headed toward the wharf.  What happened next challenges my temptation to believe in supernatural explanations conjured up in my mind. Even though part of me thinks I should treat every instance like an experiment stringently following the scientific method.  

A few blocks into the walk he asked “Do you think Big was the right man for Carrie?. I was awestruck by the question because, lately (and for the last 10 years) I have considered whether the pain and struggle of romance will ever payoff in the end, or if it could be avoided all together by picking a healthy individual to participate with from the very begining.  I paused, and with 100 percent certainty I said “yes”.  He asked why?  I said “because she was completely in love with him.”  Every fiber of her being loved that man.  She could never shake it.  Their relationship was tumultuous, painful, pathetic at times but it was what pulled at her heartstrings. And in the end, I think we all found out that the feeling was mutual, even though it manifested in ways that often seemed to prove the contrary.  Date#6 agreed, then concluded that they we destined to be married.  

I said that marriage was just a piece of paper.  That there were no guarantees.  People change, their feelings fluctuate, and I couldn’t see how marriage was a anything more than a guaranteed opportunity for divorce.  He made mention of soulmates.  He said, “When you meet your soulmate, the next step is to move toward surrender.  A full surrender.”   I shuttered at the thought.  What would that look like? To put trust and love into someone with blind faith.  Especially since my experience with attraction has lead me to people who are labeled “unhealthy”. 

My first soulmate was the man who evoked my passionate nature as I mentioned earlier.  He brought out my best and  my worst.  On some level I felt that he loved me, whether he was willing to admit it or not.  His name was Garp.  At that time, I thought I could drag his true feelings for me out to the surface.  I have this mental picture of trying to physically stretch the love right out of him, like silly putty.  I thought if I pulled slow he would surrender and give in to my careful yet forceful drawing of his love toward me, without a snap.  That was my hook. I had an uncanny ability to be attracted to men who could love me on the inside, but could never expose that love in a way that convinced me I was worth it.  My question is, was that experience just carrying out the pattern of the neglect and abuse that infected me as a child? or was that connection between us something that could have been fostered if we were willing to be more present and vulnerable? Could I have waited longer until he came around?  Would he ever have come around?  I often wonder if I could have saved myself a lot of pain and strife by perhaps letting go entirely and chosen a different person to begin with.  

“At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice.” 

Maya Angelou 

The thing is, I was powerless over the events that transpired between Garp and I.  Regardless of the reason I was in love with him, the power it had over me was unstoppable.  I would do anything for him.  Including letting him go, even though the pain was excruciating.  If what we had was true love, could I have behaved in any other way? It didn’t matter how much I intellectualized the relationship.  In the end, I surrendered to the fact that I was head over heals in love with him.  It made me do crazy things.  I danced for him and his friends, we had sex in bar bathrooms, I married him in Vegas. I have contemplated the loss of that relationship for over a decade.  My one regret was that I couldn’t find a way to stay in his life.  The sense of loss and sadness I felt was insurmountable .  

My therapist alludes to the existence of “healthy” relationships that might lead to a different outcome, but at this point I thinks she’s pulling my leg.  I have suspicions that the individuals who would participate in such relationships are the Lochness Monsters of human emotional availability.   In effort to steer myself toward discovering these believed mythical creatures, I have been trying to control where my desires lead me. Sometimes I just get so tired of calculating my motives.   Deep down I don't believe in free will.  I have trouble managing my impulses.  I am pursuing a career in psychology and yet, I seem to be progressively falling victim to irrational thinking.  Simply for the sake of romance.  I have spent so many years trying to undo the hurt and learn ways to behave in a healthier manner.  However the calling to read superstitiously into patterns and random events is so strong.  I want control.  I want to be safe.  

They say love is a universal truth.  So how come I feel so uncomfortable right now, my world feels upside down.  I’m lonely.  I want things to go the way I want them to.   How can I love in a way that doesn't hurt?  I slide down a scale of contrasting emotions; feeling scared, jaded, trusting, hopeless and unselfishly loving.  I have no right answers.  It has to exist, true love,  it must.  I feel like a little girl wondering if god will answer my prayers.  I don’t believe in god, but I believe in love; at least I want to.  

My heart is open right now but I’m feeling so much pain, it’s all consuming.  I can’t think, I can’t concentrate.  I feel overwhelmed.  I feel vulnerable, fragile and scared that I’ll always be alone.  All I crave is that connection.  A true connection of wholeness and comfort.  Where I can say I love you and have it said back.  And I don’t want it from just anyone, I want if from my soulmate.  I believe there is more than one.  Even as I’m writing this I feel like I have entered some ridiculous loveless vortex of women in their thirties who become obsessed with being in the perfect relationship.  Is that a myth?  I’m so sad.  No matter how I set it up, inevitably I come back to loneliness.  I can’t let go.  I cant let go of control.  

“All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling.” 

Blaise Pascal 

This date triggered so many thoughts, concepts and emotions that the morning after, I was still in a haze of confusion inspired by our conversation concerning, marriage, commitment, true love, soulmates, surrender and vulnerability.  I began writing about our date and visions of graphs, pictures and possibilities of how to organize my feelings came flooding into my consciousness.  Our conversation challenged my fears and exposed how terrifying it is to admit that I am yearning for stable, secure, committed relationship. That morning I felt like I had cracked the code.  I found a visual analogy, a logical explanation as to how a permanent commitment was possible.  I even jumped up down and did a little victory dance in celebration of my new found hypothesis.  

When the connection between two people is strong, 

(a strong connection is defined as an eternal, mutual kinetic bond that is not dependent on life's circumstances) 

A strong connection is represented by a clothesline secured between two points 

(a point is defined as each person or each person’s soul) 

A heavy blanket is folded in half over the clothesline. 

Each person is designated one half of the blanket.

(The heavy blanket is defined as  the “amount of surrender” by each person)

The bigger the blanket, the bigger the representation of vulnerability and surrender.  

If the blanket is big enough, wide enough and long enough, at some point the proportion of the blanket (vulnerability and surrender) to the speed of the wind and gravity (challenges to the commitment and relationship), will reach a point where it is no longer physically possible for the wind to ever blow the blanket off the clothes line. 

(i.e secure commitment) 

size of blanket (width,height)   = depth of each persons vulnerability and surrender

rate of the wind                        challenges to the commitment and relationship

In other words the greater the capacity for vulnerability in each person, the greater the chance of their marriage remaining intact. The two essential conditions are that 1) there must be a strong mutual connection and 2) they must at their core have willingness to change and evolve (this increases each persons own vulnerability and surrender and deepens their commitment).  

Now granted that does not guarantee an outcome of “married forever” for everyone always. As the outcome is deprndent on the level of each persons capability of surrender.  However it does allow for the possibility of plasticity, increasing the chances of physical presence in each others lives.  

I keep looking over the picture of Garp and I on our wedding night standing in front of the counter, waiting for our marriage license in Las vegas.  We will always have a connection.  We were both too young and alcoholic to be capable of that kind of surrender, but the connection will never be severed.  

I would like to thank all of my friends who helped me process this week’s date and material.  I couldn't have done without your love and support.  Your love, kindness and understanding always makes this work worth it, I love you.  

only a struggle twists sentimentality and lust together into love

I wish I were writing about something exciting.   Unfortunately I am doomed to the happenings of reality, a very boring run of the mill first date.  Dinner, ice cream, talking.  We sat there spewing useless information back and forth at each others faces, as I cried inside that he was not the one.  Ok so maybe that was a little dramatic.  It wasn’t that bad.  I just wanted to feel some gravitational pull toward him.   What I find so intriguing about personality, is how some people evoke a connection so vivid, while others seem just like another grain of sand completely indecipherable from the next.  It’s really quite wild that attraction is beyond our will and ideas (Juliette Binoche). It is so unpredictable and exciting.  It’s the kinda stuff I live for.  Anyway, this was not that.  

The morning of date#5, after getting out of the shower,  I stood there looking at a closet full of naked hangers and a mountain of dirty laundry.  I pulled together a passable outfit for work, a little cotton dress and some tights.  I wore a pair of cotton shorts over the tights, under the dress, as I was out of underwear and the skirt was rather short.

One of the problems I am having since this influx of evening outings, is my wardrobe.  First of all, let me say that I often refer to myself as the anti-fashionista.  I don’t consider myself a frills and ribbons feminine type, after all I used to be a lesbian.  I generally wear “comfortable” loose fitting clothes and I hate synthetic fabrics.   I have a shortage of outfits appropriate for alluring men on first dates.  According to my boss, the last pair of jeans I wore to work should be burned and I should never wear them again!  She on the contrary is the Santa Cruz incarnation of Carrie Bradshaw.  

I knew what I was wearing was the garment equivalent of the last scrape of peanut butter, the last possible squeeze of the toothpaste, the very last bit of toilet paper couture, so to speak.  I had to do something to revive and refresh my look before my date.  Since I got held up at work, I had 45 minutes to get home from Scotts Valley, transform myself into a presentable date and meet him at the restaurant “I Love Sushi” at 7:00.  I stopped by the Goodwill on the way home.  I quickly found a new shirt, a new green, knee length pea coat and raced back to my house so I could jump in the shower and throw on my new ensemble.  I zoomed into my parking space, sprinted up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment, fumbled with the keys to open the door.  When I got inside, I turned on the shower and ripped off the price tags.  I jumped in the shower, washed the important parts, jumped out, put on two mis-matched socks with one hand while brushing my teeth with the other and re-curled my eyelashes.  I put on some leggings with a small hole in the knee (which is why I didn’t wear them to work), zipped up my boots and scampered out the door.  I let him know I was going to be ten minutes late and was going to be wearing a very green coat.  I walked up the sidewalk toward the restaurant feeling a bit frazzled, but content that I at least felt presentable.  I knew who I was looking for because I actually had met him once before, but in a completely different context.  He works for child support services.  He had taken my paper work when I filed last year and had even been in court during some of our child support hearings.  We set up the date online and I was pretty sure he didn’t recognize me.  I approached him and said hello.  He pretty much skipped the introductions part altogether, and he asked me how work was and how school was going all in the same breath.  He actually warned me that this might happen, saying when he’s nervous he gets caught up in whirlwind of his own words.   We sat down and the conversation was on fast forward.  I felt comfortable with him but I was having a hard time evaluating my surroundings.  Meanwhile the waitress was delivering miso soup, a two piece sushi roll, and a cucumber salad before even saying hello (apparently that’s their schtick).  I have always wanted to try speed dating, but this felt a little like the “dating Indy 500”.  Once I had a chance to look at the menu, he asked me what I liked.  I said I like everything spicy, but was hesitant to order anything with too much kick as I was getting over a cold and my throat was a little raw.  The waitress came by and he asked what they had that was spicy and I caved and ordered what she suggested.  He was genuinely interested in me.  He asked me about what I wanted to research and he was a very good listener.  I enjoyed talking to him and he was a goofy kind of sweet, almost puppy like.  Can you imagine me with a puppy? Don’t get me wrong he was very nice.  And he asked if I wanted to get ice cream after dinner.   We walked over to Coldstone, we ate our ice cream and talked some more.  I was getting tired and I was definitely felling under the weather still. 

brain wandering: 

I want to be able to sit in bed writing and feel equal to the man sitting next to me.  I want him to understand what it feels like to put my heart and soul into my work.  I want him to love the wrinkles (just a few) that I will surely have acquired by the time I meet him or he finds me.  I want his scratchy stubble to prick me and show me that our differences make us more strongly attracted.  I want him to adore my sense of humor.  I want him to stare at me when I’m concentrated on something else.  But most of all I want there to be passion.  The kind that sends my heart plunging just at the thought of his weight near me.  I want him to be independent, creative and kind.  I want to feel safe with him, not because he is protecting me, but because I can tell him my secrets.  Because he doesn’t judge me,  he knows my past is my past and it’s where I came from.  I have this picture in my head of what that will look like, what that will feel like.  Love sweet love.  

He walked me back to my car and of course we had to show each other our tattoos.  He had a full sleeve, chest panels, and some back pieces, all very lovely and tasteful.  They, as he put it, were a Tex-Mex theme, Dia de los Muertos mariachi band and such.  He is originally from Houston, Texas.  I had good time with him.  I was not attracted to him.  However, there was still that little voice inside my head that says, I should be.  He was nice, good looking, tattooed and that somehow I will “come around”.  I know that is not true.  There has to be magic, a spark. 

I still have trouble with the awkwardness  of not wanting to see  the date# again.  I know deep down inside (or maybe not so deep) they are not looking for new friends of the opposite sex.  Upon parting, date #5 said, “go out, have fun, meet new people and see where that takes you”.  I appreciated the sentiment.  He made it clear that he was interested and wanted to go out again.  I beat around the bush by saying I didn’t have a lot of free time, but perhaps we could meet for coffee.  

Writing about this date has triggered some frustration in me. Although I am conducting this project for knowledge sake and not seeking a specific outcome,  I cant help but romanticize the feeling of love and lust.  I don’t know if it’s because I am in my thirties, (dirty thirties, which I’m beginning to see as an accurate description) or if it’s because I am healing in the way I wasn't expecting concerning my sexuality.  I am finally becoming comfortable with being a sexual entity.  I have been practicing mindfulness for the past couple of years.  This practice is often associated with Buddhist teachings.  I observe the feelings and emotions I have and do not judge them or assign labels of good or bad.  Doing so allows me to be aware of different sensations in my mind and body.  I no longer believe that my feelings will take over and last forever.  I can be present and experience less anxiety when concerning my emotions. 

I used to think that the term “recovering catholic” was cliche and an obvious over generalization, but now I’m starting to wonder.  Did being brought up with strong religious overtones and religious dogmas lead me to have a negatively skewed view of sex?  Is that one of the reasons I carry unnecessary guilt when I have intense desire for someone?  I’m beginning to see that my sexual desires are natural.  What to do with them is a question I have yet to answer.  

"The heart has reasons that reason cannot know." - Blaise Pascal

what kind of love do you want from a man?

He was better looking than 98% of the guys I’ve seen on OKCupid, so I clicked on his picture and perused his profile. Under the “Things I’m Doing With My Life” category, he listed “fucking”.  Since I’m not in the market to fuck for sport, I moved on.  That would have been the end of it, except OKCupid allows it’s members to see each person who has visited their profile. So when he was notified of my visit, he messaged me saying he was happy to see that I was checking him out, and invited me to engage in an online conversation. 

“I only want to fuck guys who want to be fucking only me”, I replied. Now granted the verbiage was a little intense and perhaps a little presumptuous, however I wanted to be clear that I wasn’t into polyamory. He asked me, “Why? Does it feel different?”  I was stumped.  Did it feel different?  How was I sure that I had ever slept with a guy who wanted to be fucking only me? And If I was really being honest with myself, was my statement even true? What is the difference?  So I told him that was a good question and I’d have to get back to him on that.  

The further I get into this project the clearer it gets, that monogamy is a result of love, trust, liking, passion, attraction and friendship not the birthplace of it.  So to answer part of that question, no I do not want to be monogamous (at least not yet).  I don’t care to be in a committed monogamous relationship until I have some return on the aforementioned qualities. 

I am reading a 500 page book entitled “SEX” by Joann Ellison Rodgers.  I stumbled upon it the other day at the library.  It is a fascinating expose, a journey through sexuality.  It touches upon everything and anything researched concerning the subject.  I am starting to learn about sex in terms of a biological function.  I am getting some insight from this book, as well as from other sources, as to why men behave the way they do.  A large portion of human behavior begins in the brain, which has been evolving for over millions of years.  The evolution of the male brain is responsible for producing male specific behaviors and directly influencing their physiology as well.  I was astonished to learn that men will  produce approximately two trillion sperm in their lifetime.  Where as women will produce a grand total of 500 eggs during her 40 year reproductive life span! (Counterbalance: gendered perspectives for writing and language By Carolyn Logan) Millions of years ago when the desired goal was merely to reproduce, and there was less emphasis on the dilemmas of modern day parenting,  (such as will mom be able to stay home?, the cost of childcare and overpopulation) men were simply carrying out their biological imperative to procreate for survival of the species.  This was before science could predict ovulation, or perhaps before any human animal was even aware of exactly how sexual reproduction worked. This obvious imbalance in the number of “materials” required for reproduction lead to a simple solution for maximizing probability of success.  Men had to mate in high volume with women and consider the fierce competition of other males for the female egg.  And how would all of this be possible? A high sex drive.  On the contrary, it is the woman  who does most of the work in the reproductive cycle.   She is the host.  I jokingly named myself “hostess-with-the-mostess” while I was pregnant.  My body was working 24 hours a day, for approximately 38 grueling weeks straight, to provide a comfortable and productive living room for my baby girl, who following her birth would still be completely helpless for many, many years to come.  That by nature puts females out of prime sexual commission for a while.  If the female sex drive was equally as aggressive as our male counterparts, who would care for the children?  This is exactly the kind of scrutiny women like the octomom and Michelle Dugger are under.  If you are a constant baby making machine who the hell is going to do the even more challenging work of parenting, and actually raise these life sucking, sleep depriving, little darlings?  Meanwhile, figuratively the male is on his merry way just following natures orders.  That being said, this is what females are up against when it comes to the biology of the male brain as it relates to, well...their other male brains.  This information is helping me to demystify men and cease seeing them as predators.  Now I see them more as Neanderthals.  At least its a step in the right direction.  As it turns out all this thinking has led me to confront some of my sex issues as well as my behavior and relationship patterns.  

So after some long and wordy emails with date#4, trying to back pedal a little bit from my overly sexualized comment, I said I’d be willing to meet with him (in a public place).  He participates in a group forum that focusses on openness and communication, affiliated with a Sangha Buddhist community and I was intrigued.  Not only do I love mental foreplay but I am also deeply interested in the concept of human connectedness.  So I put him on the back burner to meet up with later, as we had conflicting schedules and I had been a bit busy. 

Two days ago he sent me a message saying he would like to take me out to lunch and I said that would be fine.  We met on my lunch hour and I was flattered that he drove all the way from the westside to meet me in Scotts Valley, especially on his birthday.  He sat down across the table and stared at me so intensely that I had to look away. He must have been doing some mental voodoo on me, or at least that’s what it felt like at the time. Until I discovered this in one of my research books.  As it turns out sex scientists have learned “that if you stare intensely into the eyes of an attractive girl you have just met, she’ll likely avert her gaze because it’s physically uncomfortable to do other wise; they have also learned that if you become her lover, she’ll stare back.” (SEX, xix)  Anyway we chatted at lunch and I showed him the books I was reading.  I told him about the blog mostly because I knew he would be interested and non-judgmental.  I felt a sort of comfortableness with him.  As I continue to go out on dates with strangers I am noticing a pattern. I feel continually more comfortable with observing them.  I more easily acknowledge the person they present at our first encounter (let alone the next few dates) is not the whole picture of who they are. I have to pay attention.  I liked his energy even though it was pretty intense.  I said I would like to see him again, and he said the same, and I dashed back to work.  I realized I was attracted to him.  Yes sexually.  He had a great body, he was a great height, and he was complexly alluring.  I began to wonder if my body was reacting more biologically and less emotionally.  In other words, he seemed like the kind of guy that casual sex would be fun with.   It got my wheels turning.  Is it appropriate to have sex for fun?  Outside of a possible committed relationship?  And what about when you are pretty certain it will not lead to a committed relationship? We try so hard to predict and avoid heartbreak but is the goal of life and romance 1+1=2? Or as the sex scientist’s might say 1+1=3? 

(mom+dad= mom,dad,baby?) Does the ultimate goal always have to be, becoming paired and creating families happily ever after?  I think the truth is,  this linear equation is possible for some, but perhaps not for everyone. The time frame in which this fairytale ending happens is part of why women are labeled as obsessive about love and romance.  They call them biological clocks for a reason. When it comes to child bearing, it is clear that women are especially vulnerable once engaged in the mating game.  She wants to be sure her mate will not abandon her and leave her with full responsibility.  So the dream of the man who will standby his mate’s side is not only emotional, but practical as well.  However we all know that is not where the path leads a vast number of women and their children, myself included.  Having overcome such an obstacle, have I lowered my standard for a man in terms of partnership, because I know I can physically take care of myself and my child?  Do I look at men as being just play things, that are fun but unnecessary objects?  No, absolutely not.  I am curious to find a man with an open heart.  I want a man who can filter his natural aggression and passion into productive work. I want a man who can accept who he is, and not run from his nature yet resist being unmercifully controlled by it.  I want him to value being understood.  I want a man who can think with his male brain and be capable of loving and accepting love.  For now, that is all.

So far I am delving deeper that I ever thought I would as a result of 52weeks52dates. I am throughly enjoying this project and all that it is teaching me. I find the process of writing and feeling with this immense clarity and vigor to be a bit overwhelming.  I am being challenged in ways I was not expecting, namely to be present with my actions and intentions. As a result I am experiencing changes in perception that bring me closer to whole.