romance can be dangerous.

I received an e-mail in my okcupid mailbox the other day that left me speechless.  Although I have been remaining open hearted and following the path of date#16 like a lovesick puppy dog, I have reservations concerning his emotional availability.  Not to mention his evil cell phone service.  I even started wondering the other day if I could just put him on my cell phone plan for an extra $10 a month, and then I remembered that the only reparative action I am allowed to act on when it comes to him, is giving him a haircut.  If it does not fall in the category of hair maintenance than any attempts to change him are off limits.  This email I received was a beautifully written, he described some of his core beliefs and the way he lives his life.  He mentioned acting into the way he wanted to be, acknowledging that there are no unneeded parts of a flower or a tree.  “I've realized being whole is not about shifting our burdens, but letting them go.”  I will refer to him as date#18.   At first I was blown away.  His writing style was amazing and the content sounded like it came straight out of my head on one of my most spiritual days, except better.  I sat there staring at my screen slightly in shock.  I haven't really been putting a lot of effort into going out on dates with new from okcupid since meeting date#16, mostly because I already have a surplus of material.  With the exception of  going to play tennis with an anarchist Buddhist guy last week.  I guess writing about that excursion just kinda fell to the wayside.  I wasn’t sure what to make of  the email.  I mean I couldn’t help but notice that a man who could write such an opener, had to be pretty conscious, which is one of my most valued attributes.  So my response was short but sweet.  

Me: wow that was quite impressive. I’m almost speechless. hmmm. 555-1212. call me sometime.

I called Lylah and read her the email.  She was pretty impressed too.  He hadn’t called yet, but we both decided that he was worth looking into.  

Date#18 and I talked on the phone while Lucy and I were cleaning her room.  Ok, I was cleaning her room.  I didn’t hide the fact that she was yelling mommy intermittently.  I also didn’t hide my writing project.  He asked me if I had met anyone I was attracted to since starting 52weeks52dates.  I said yes, two.  One I was currently seeing.  But I explained that we were not committed or exclusively dating.  He asked if we were to meet if he would be included in the writing?  I laughed and said I couldn’t guarantee he wouldn't be.  Anyone I go out with this year would be subject to scrutiny.  Then he asked if I would like to meet, to see if there was any attraction there.  I said that was a possibility, then corrected myself and said it was more than a possibility, it was a yes.  He was going out of town the following day, so if we were going to meet before he left it would have to be in the morning.  I asked him if he’d be willing to meet me in Scotts Valley at Starbucks before I started work.  He said yes.  Then I realized, I would be meeting up with date#16 later that night too.  Two encounters in one day?  “That would be intense”, I said out loud, while laughing.  My brain started to blur and began to feel like I was in over my head.  I didn’t hide my combination of excitement and awe at how it felt things were unfolding.  I was beginning to feel like the story was writing me.   I started laughing nervously, as I do when I am overwhelmed by the seemingly calculated moments that reveal themselves to me almost as a bit of fore shadowing.  He asked me more about what I was experiencing.  I told him that I was experiencing the sensations I have felt momentous events  occur in my life in the past.  Like when I got married in Vegas, when I stopped drinking and when I met Lucy’s dad.  I told him all of this.  I also told him that he seemed pretty emotionally available.  I asked him to correct me if I was wrong.  He said, that he didn’t have any dramatic relationships in his life.  Had he found my writing?  I laughed and said that was the main issue with the guy I was seeing, that he had lots of dramatic relationships, I did not, and it was kind of a problem.  I didn’t even have a dramatic relationship with date#16.  I admitted that meeting him and then seeing date#16 in one day was going to make it impossible for me to be in denial about some of the glaring issues with date#16 that I have been trying not to focus on because I have been learning other things.  Date#18, knew what I meant and he was impressed that I could see and admit it.  My head was spinning just a little.  I just had this feeling that some kind of shift or something different was about to happen.  I had no idea what but I could tell the universe was guiding me on this one.  When we said goodbye,  I was sitting on Lucy’s bed feeling as if my words were not quite making sense anymore and felt a little funny, like the excited funny.  

I immediately called Lylah and told her what happened.  

She said “wow.”  

I said “yeah”, 

she said “yeah”, 

I said,” yeah”, 

she said “yeah”.  

Date#18 and I were both in the unknown, and we knew it.  Lylah told me to give her an update right after I met him.  I said ok.  

I began to mentally masturbate on what was going on.  I was starting to get nervous, my instincts were telling me not look too good for my coffee date with date#18.  I didn’t want him to be attracted to me.  Actually I was scared that I would like and be attracted to him.  I realize date#16 has some obvious differences from me that raise concerns, but I still really like him.  But considering my history I have to wonder if it isn’t just the fact that he is unavailable that makes him so very irresistible to me.  I also wondered if I was afraid of choosing to invest time in date#18 simply because he looked better on paper.  I really like date#16 a lot and I don’t have a desire to cut it off with him.  I had to live within the mystery of meeting someone new and predicting what would happen with date#18 was fruitless.  I know I don’t have to give up date#16 if I don’t want to, although I am terrified that he is going to tell me he is back together with his ex tonight.  It’s been a week since we have seen each other and I’m sure they have been spending a lot of time together.  He’s going to bring over the painting we started on our first date and we are going to finish it.  I cant’t help but see the symbolism there if that is indeed the news he is breaking tonight.  

The morning of my date with date#18  was placing my emotions in the unknown and it was beginning to feel good.  I was wading through the spot of mystery and knew I would find out where things were meant to go with him soon enough.  I felt a shift.  I became excited about not knowing how this was all going to unfold, but it was most certainly unfolding as it should.  

I walked into Starbucks got a cup of coffee and took a seat, a few minutes later he walked in.  Nothing,  I felt nothing.  I waved at him and he came over and he gave me a hug, one of those hugs where his back was arched and he kinda put his shoulder into it.  When we let go it almost felt like repelling magnets.  He got inline to go get coffee.  I took out my cell, and texted Lylah, I told her he was here but didn’t get a good of at look at him, and now he was in line and I didn’t have my glasses on.  She texted me back “put your glasses on”.  

      When he came back, I noticed he was wearing those water type shoes, that have the toes all separated.  That could have been enough right there to know that he was not gonna do it for me.  But I needed a few more minutes to gauge what was going on.  His disposition was weird.  I had assumed that since his email was so kind that he would exude that quality, but I didn't feel that coming through.  What I felt was him trying to size me up.  We talked about my writing.  He told me about growing up in Hawaii and frequenting a certain beach path on Maui.  All the tourist girls would hang out there and he and his friends would go try to pick up on them.  He said that the great thing about that experience was that it got him used to rejection.  Then he moved on to something else.  I said wait you never finished that thought, what was so great about getting used to rejection?  He said, “Out of the 20 times I asked I at least got one yes.......for that night”,  I laughed.  “For that night” , Those three little words changed the meaning of that sentence entirely.  I started talking about how tenses and vocabulary can change the meaning of what is being said, and he looked at me lost and averted his eyes. 

“Isn’t that so incredible” I said with enthusiasm.  

He didn’t get it.  I knew date#16 would have.  

He said, if he could offer one piece of advice it was to not hold back the things that bothered me when in relationship. I agreed.  I don’t mean to say that I should be trying to change and dictate anyones paths or behavior, but when something hurts my feelings I need to be able to communicate it.  At this point I think it is important to communicate most everything as long as I am coming from a place of loving kindness, which means I am not being manipulative or just shifting my burden from myself to anyone else.  He said he knew he had to walk away from his last three girlfriends because he knew they just weren't his future.  He said he knew that there were certain things about their personalities that just weren't him.    As I heard him describe what he meant, I started checking in with how I felt about date#16 and our compatibility.  I think thats what date #18 was talking about compatibility.  I was feeling it in my guts, I knew from the bottom of my heart that date#16 is me, we get each other and we make sense. 

That night date#16 came over and he pointed out he was one minute early.  I was prepared for him to be at least a half hour late, I gave him a big hug and a short kiss.   We talked about his work and eventually I made dinner, a salad with strawberries and balsamic.  We watched copious amounts of surf videos, and then eventually we kissed.  The passion was ignited.  We kissed and I felt drawn to be close to him, it filled my whole body, my back softens and I energetically nuzzle him, pressing my face close into his. But we had stuff to do.  We needed to paint.  I eventually pulled away and started setting up the paining supplies.   And eventually She entered the conversation.  We talked for a half hour at least about what was happening for him in relation to his relationship to Her.  At first it was difficult for him to talk about his feelings.  He told me that he was hoping that she wouldn’t come up.  To be honest I wasn't sure if I really wanted to talk about her either but, I realized that I wasn't fooling myself into thinking I was going to get what I wanted, or get my needs met by involving myself in a half truth relationship with him.  So I settled deeply into my care for him and his essence and prepared myself for the truth.  I set my selfish motives on the shelf and picked up my paintbrush.  He hesitated, he paused,  I kept my mouth shut.  I asked him what was really going on for him.  I dropped down into my heart and I really wanted to know.  I softened my gaze and I really listened.  I didn’t interrupt, I didn’t judge and I didn’t take the bait when he tried to turn the focus onto what I felt.  I told him to keep talking.  I was listening.  I could tell he wasn’t used to speaking his mind when it came to his less than comfortable emotions.  I was up for the challenge too.  I was ready to take what he said and really hear him.  In the end it boiled down to the fact that he had to try to make it work with her, other wise he wouldn’t be being true to himself and he needed to be sure.  I understood.  I also knew that if I really wanted a real relationship with him, he would have to settle this conflict himself.  Eventually he said, “I know I just need to make a decision”.  I told him I didn’t think that was the case.  I felt that everything would just work itself  out and eventually it would get really obvious what felt right for him.  I admitted I didn’t see it working out with her and that I was willing to stay to see what would happen if I just remained open and available.   I avoided using the word wait because I felt that waiting conotated putting other things on hold.  That is not the case.   I will still be living my life business as usual and dating others if I feel like it.  But my relationship with him won’t change anything about how I would normally be living.  I was sitting on his lap by this point in the conversation and we both decided that it was a freebie night since boundaries were not clear yet as to where he actually was with his ex.  Apparently she had decided that they would not be having sex unless they got married and he was allowed to sleep with anyone he wanted.  Once again I furrowed.  What the fuck? What the hell does that even mean?  I wasn't sure I was on board with that arrangement as it seemed a little ridiculous.  So I just noticed that was where she was coming from and  I felt it spoke to her level of maturity.  The closeness we felt as a result of that conversation overflowed into a physical manifestation.  It was light, fun and loosely organized.  

I swear I keep getting wafts of his scent even though I took as shower.  This morning was pure heaven.  Lucy came in to my room, came up to his side of the bed and smiled at him.  I told her to come up and lay next to me.  She snuggled me, I snuggled him, three human spoons cozied beneath my white cotton down comforter and grey fleece blanket.  She was stroking my back and I had my nose pressed into his shoulder.  I have never experienced that before.  It’s interesting how the dynamic of the bed changes when she is in it.  It feels strong.  It felt like I was finally able to give her what she needed.  Which turned out was also exactly what I needed.   It was a feeling of wholeness and gratitude.  It’s one of those moments where I realized in hindsight, having a supportive and healthy relationship is not a myth.  Then I realized the implications of our conversation from the night before.  I was laying next to the man who held my world and I had agreed to him trying to make it work with someone else, even saying was a good idea.  What the fuck was I thinking?  I don’t think I had even had coffee yet, I had to day something.  “

“Are you awake enough for me to talk?” I asked

“Yes” he replied

“I’m starting to feel a little nervous about what is going to happen after you leave here”,

“How can I help you with that?” he said.

“I don’t know”, and I didn’t

“What if we make plans to hang out before I leave?” he said

“And I won’t worry between now and then, okay thats a good idea, that will help” I felt relieved.

He initiated making plans for Tuesday.

Our culture has perverted relationships to a point where nothing good can be seen.  It reminds me a lot of what our culture has done to food.  Genetically modified it, covered it in pesticides, added artificial ingredients and preservatives, and have stripped the natural and purity right out of it.  So much so that when we are presented with the real thing, it feels so amazing and good.   Yet culturally people don’t even recognize this pureness as something of value or necessary.

We have begun to treat relationships as a transaction, as the new commodity of capitalism.  Generally in this culture, the dating/mating game is more of a shopping trip, and with online dating,  okcupid has become the Amazon.com of relationships.  I hate to say this but it’s relationship refurbishing and resale.   We are out there online looking for the better, newer, a more improved version of the latest model, paying attention to facts and figures.  We look at the numbers and the stats of a human being.  We are not vulnerable in this process.  We are detached.  We are looking to acquire an item, and one that ships quickly satisfies every customer.  Standard shipping can be as little as couple of days, and poof there you are in another “relationship”.  Why don’t relationships last anymore, the way they did in the fifties?  It’s not because people were in better relationships back then, it’s because cultural norms disapproved of single women, single moms and the status quo was to have everything look good on the outside.  Our society was not any happier back then, as a whole.  That is not the reason that people stuck together.  Now the afore mentioned social norms have become more flexible and having children later in life is more acceptable, as is having children out of wedlock.  The dating process, has gone from courting and dating to the t.v shows like The Bachelorette.  We eat it up and in turn this television culture is poisoning our relationships.  What is being modeled on tv is the epitome of unhealthy relationships.  It takes time to get to know someone, it takes time to develop trust and it also takes time and guts, and personal accountability to be able to set boundaries, communicate feelings, needs and learn to understand each other.  Conflict is based in a lack of understanding.  Our culture believes in happily ever after, and to a certain existent I do too, but it would look totally different.  Mainstream happily ever after has no conflict, perfectionism in all aspects of the relationship including sex life, finances and how the children are raised.  So here is my proposal.  What if we looked at healthy relationships in terms of what was happening on the inside instead of what was happening on the outside?  Think about that for a second.  What if relationships were about relating and not about appearances?  What if relationships were not about houses, clean or dirty? Clean well dressed children or children going to the park in their pajamas? Dishes done, dishes not done? Employed husbands, unemployed husbands? Money in the bank, no money in the bank? Retirement funds, 401K’ or lack there of?  What if the desirability of a relationship was about the degree of communication and vulnerability when it comes to all of theses issues that effect every marriage/relationship in our culture.  What if our relationships had an open door policy and any topic could be discussed?  

Then there is the issue of divorce, these days divorce is just another break up.  There is often no titrating out of relationships.  I wonder if there is such a thing as exit counseling.  If it were up to me I would require evey person going through a divorce or breakup to participate in exit counseling.  Get acquainted with what your issues are.  If the compatibility isn't there then learn from it and move on.  But if it has a fighting chance at happiness then breaking up is not the answer.  I promise the next relationship will bear a striking resemblance.  I think the main issue is that we have no training in how to get involved with someone we are compatible with in the first place. As a result of the shopping list analogy, we are ill equipped to know exactly what we are looking for or what we really want.   Determining compatibility takes time and as mentioned earlier when acquisition is the goal, who has time for that?  

It’s morning.  I’ll see him date#16 again in two days.  Last night went to Lylah’s birthday party.  There were at least four couples there who were seemingly happily together.  I missed him.  I wished he could have been there.  There were tons of kids and Lylah’s friends were so cool.  I remembered her party last year.  It was the first time Lucy had ever played with other kids while I was at a party in community.  A few of the same people were at her party this year, and some new people as well.  It felt so good to know that we had made it through the year.  

She has a friend, Jane who is in the process of trying to adopt her 3 month old foster baby.  She got a call, saying that there was a baby for her and her husband, if they wanted him.  She went down to the hospital imediately.  He was born six weeks early and his addicted birth mother was high when she came into give birth.  The hospital staff could not allow his birth mother to take him home with her without seeing a social worker first.  She left and never came back.  Four days later Jane was standing there next to his bassinet in the NICU, knowing that he would be her baby.  When she picked him up, she knew.  She felt instant connection, he was hers.  The baby’s birth mother and family have four months to take action to get him back.  And there were already times were she had to physically hand him over to the his birth mother.  She said her jealousy and fear arose like she had never felt before.  Jane felt he was her baby regardless of where they were in the adoption process.  I was so moved by her story.  I mentioned how I understood how scary it can be to give your heart and love, when the stability and security aren’t there, not knowing what will happen. She is brave enough to love within the mystery.  She has to trust that the universe is not just tempting her with goodness.  I recently read something about finding it hard to believe that all of the good things on earth were simply placed in our path so that we could resist them.  I say viva la vulnerability and in giving myself completely to someone, I am giving my heart away.   I must let go of my heart and watch it float down the river, not knowing what will happen.  I used to be so scared, that I would get hurt.  I can’t even tell you how many times I have told my love stories and have been met with “I just don't want you to get hurt and be disappointed”.  I find it curious that against a background of death, this is what most people are so afraid of.  It might be true, that with the multiple rejections I have learned how to not to be afraid of it.  Yesterday at that party, I had no need to prove myself, I felt no shame or need for people to like me, I knew they either would or they wouldn’t.  

I spent some time talking to Lylah’s cousin, a local mural artist who is sweet as pie.  We talked about the alternatives to fake surface oriented relationships an how deeper intimacy can be achieved.  He lives downtown too, so I gave him a ride home.  Before he got out of the car he said that he really liked talking to me and said we should hang out more often and that he enjoyed playing with Lucy too.  This interaction was so different from the kind I was having not even two years ago, when I was told that no one wanted to hang out with me because of the position I had put myself in, choosing to be with my daughter’s dad and have a baby.  I had so much shame brought on by that interaction with that particular person who initiated telling me what my peers at that time thought of me.  And it wasn’t fucking true.  My loneliness was not because I was paying penance for my bad decision.  I had not yet learned how to let my vulnerability find my relationships for me.  I was hanging around people who mirrored my family of origin.  I was lonely and needed love desperately.  I was trying to get it from people who could not give, because I didn’t know, loving is always something that is given freely and not a transaction for good behavior.    

When I got home from Lylah’s party, I carried lucy, who was passed out up to her bed and began working on a painting I started a couple of nights ago when date#16 came over, since he didn’t bring over the painting we had started on our first date.  This paining sprouted from the depths of my unconscious.   A pear in the top left middle of the canvas.  Next, a hand holding it from below.  Most of what is seen is part of the shoulder and one quarter of the face.  Above that figure’s head is another floating figure in jumping jack position, much smaller in scale his hand is outstretched holding an apple.  In the lower left corner is a female figure hand outstretched holding nothing.  After painting it I realized that it was indeed a manifestation of me, date#16 and his ex-girlfriend.  

First of all let me just say that I am grimacing as I am writing this because to be honest 

I’d rather not.  I would rather write anything other that the fact that I met her today, with him.  Ugg This is fucking awful.  I don't know what is going to come of this, but I sure hope its something good cause I’m fucking feeling very small right now.  Once again, I’m not totally sure what happened. 

All I remember is saying is“It’s him”. 

 My friend Elijah saying “What?”

“It’s him” I said.  

I waved.  He waved back.  They came up and he introduced her to me.  I said hi, with my mouth half in the shape of a smile and half agape.  Then I just stood there and stared in silence.  looking at her, then looking at him.  I had my sunglasses on thank god.   In the past our meeting would have involved me being overly friendly and making unreasonably cheery small talk with someone I clearly had issues with.  But today when he walked up with her, I didn’t fake it.  I was was in shock.  We were standing outside of the video store and Lucy was inside trying to pick a video that we were not going to rent while the introductions were taking place. 

Lucy and I went into the ocean the other day, I was holding her and we stopped when the water got to be about about waist high.  The waves were small and we were jumping over them.  Then all of a sudden a big wave came and I realized the best thing for us to do was to dive underneath it.  Unfortunately I didn’t think about the fact that she hates going underwater or that diving under a big wave holding a four year old might not have the same outcome as diving under a wave by myself.  I told her “here we go”, and tried to jump under the wave, I got swept off my feet and got tossed underneath the water, and held on to her tight.  We both swirled aimlessly under the slurry of white water and sand.  Eventually I found the ground and I stood up.  I knew we were going to be fine but she didn’t, she was really scared.  I tried to reassure her by saying that we made it and sometimes that’s what you have to do in the ocean.  Dive in head first, get tossed around and just know that you will make it out alive.  Those moments underwater must have seemed like an eternity to her.  Just like those moments standing outside of the video store opposite date#16 and his ex-girlfriend/girlfriend? felt like they were going in slow motion and lasted an eternity to me.  I swear in hindsight I heard water gurgling using past my face as I stood out there on the sidewalk.   I think date#16 lead her into the video store.  I stood there paralyzed while Elijah coached me to get Lucy out of the store.  I went in and date#16 came over and  gave me a hug.  I looked down and noticed that Lucy was standing in a huge puddle of smoothie, the bottle and rest of it were no where to be found.  The guy working at the video store asked me if I had any paper towels and I ran out to the stroller to catch my breath, fully knowing that I didn't have any.  I could barely see straight, I was on the verge of tears.  I went back in and Lucy was setting off the security alarm, video in her hand trying to get back outside.  It was quite the speckle I’m sure.  The guy was wiping up the spill and as date#16 left, he said “See ya Tuesday”.  I was like yeah.   I’m also pretty sure they did not rent a movie either.  Hmmm.  Elijah says you can’t prepare for moments like that.  I agreed. 

I am terrified that I am wrong.  I am terrified that I am going to lose to him, lose him to her.  But if I really want to know, I must stay.  I just get to sit and see how it will unfold.  Am I that big of a person?  I don’t know.  I am praying.  Praying that he will want me too.  I don’t even want to keep my eyes open,  my heart is heavy.  I want him to be mine, all mine.  I just want to love him so bad it scares me.  I wanted a love that was real.  I wanted a love that was romantic, that was sent from the heavens, something scary.  Something that wasn’t so safe because I wanted to feel passion.  Any other kind of love isn’t worth the risk.  It’s not worth the commitment.  This entanglement might be scary but it makes me feel alive.  It hurts, I’m vulnerable but I know when I see his face it will all be worth it.  I feel sick, in my stomach, my head hurts I feel like I’m on the verge of tears.  I’m scared.  But then there is another part of me that is crazy fearless as well.   The irony being of course that my fearlessness scares me.  It 2:00 in the morning and I can’t sleep.  I  have  no idea what is going to happen on Tuesday.  I am trying to decipher his email and read into what is coming my way.  

When I got home I had an email from him stating that he guessed that our meeting was awkward and that he wanted to let me know that I didn’t need to stress about it.  What the hell does that mean?,  I thought.  Does that mean don’t worry, I’m his, or don’t worry about it, cause he wouldn't.  He did make reference to how perfect Lucy walking in her spilt juice was going to be for when they turn this story into a movie.  I wondered, since he thought it would be made into a movie, was he also suggesting there was a happy ending in the works?  Elijah and I went over the scene all the way down pacific.  He reassured me that date#16 was into me and that he seemed very disconnected from her.  He also pointed out that he touched me and not her.  This is exactly the kind of shit I don't want to be participating in but if I want to ride this out it looks like I’m going to have to.  The call to run is starting to whisper into my ear again.  

This is romance.  Romance is dangerous, it is messy and cannot be forced to fit and be kept in a perfect little, square box with a ribbon bow on top.  Romance and love are not the same.  I am talking about romance, a deep mystical intense form of emotion.  It makes me feel gooey and mushy.  Like cracking open an egg and not just any egg.  A very special egg laid by a very special chicken whom I have raised since she was a baby chick.  Everything is pure, everything is exciting and new.  A new life and a new sweetness.  The clear slippery substance makes me feel like a fool, but the yolk suspended and intact reminds me of the the alternate meaning of yoke, mystic union. Romance is the sweetness of spring, the smell of newly sprouted grass.  The dance of letting go on the inside.  I’m falling, succumbing to sweet, sensual passion and satiating desire.  I envision pastel colors like an instagram photo, that gives a feeling of nostalgia, the kind that happens between two adults that have known each other since they were babies.  There is a curiosity that blossoms into gentle love.  A love that is unconditional, innocent and enduring.  A kind fragile emotion that is soft and squishy.  I don't need that hard outer shell to keep me safe, I know he would never hurt me on purpose and that is why I can trust him.  I also want to protect him.  There is a loyalty there that I have not felt before.  

We are holding hands, walking side by side through a field of tall grass and yellow wild flowers.  The air is warm, a slight breeze is blowing our hair.  My skirt and his shirt ripple to one side and dance in the wind. This place is miles aways from anything, it is very hard to find.  We look up to the sky, it is powder blue with the faintest wisps of white, fluffy vapor clouds.  We are walking with purpose but I have no idea where we are going.  His masculine strength flows down through his legs into the earth with every footstep.  His feet walk in a rhythm.  He is connected to everything.  I can’t help but notice and feel his power, he smiles at me like he knows where we are going.  He is a beautiful man.  Sometimes he is shy and he wants me to take the lead, he hesitates, but underneath he embodies smoldering embers and the current of the ocean.  I see it even when he can’t.  We came here to honor life.  We wanted to become conscious of where we are and where we are going.  We keep walking, the grass is waving, tickling the backs of our arms, he stops.  We pause and look into each others eyes.  He takes notice of the way the colors are arranged in mine.  I just want to be sure.  I want to know.  He says when we get where we are going he’ll have the answer.  We keep walking.  He holds my hand as I jump over some rocks that have been laid down in a pile.  He gives me that look again.  We keep walking.  We don’t talk for a while.  We are completely in our bodies and it seems as though our elbows are having a conversation.  He doesn’t pull too far ahead of me and I don’t fall too far behind.  We are magnetic.  We love to be near each other.  I know we will walk until we get there, wherever there is.  We have been walking for hours.  We are beginning to get sleepy.  He finds a spot for us to lay down.  As long as I am with him I can sleep anywhere, I know he has my back.  We sleep for days.  Neither one of us wants to admit that we might not know where we are going.  The destination begins to drift, we have lost our way.  Neither one of us has a plan, but we realize we have each other.  We are on a journey, with no end.  We keep on walking and find that no matter where we go, there we are, together.  We climb mountains, cross rivers, swim in lakes, and follow streams back to the ocean.  We found it,  the ocean.  We are home.  

The ocean is what he knows, he is familiar with navigating the waves in the sea.  He thinks he falls short when it comes to decision making and he feels wishy washy because he doesn't always know what to do.  But when he is in the wide, open, Pacific Ocean he always knows.   He knows when there are waves, even from the trees, like a sixth sense.  Just knowing there are waves puts him in a good mood.  He knows how to find that sweet spot where the wave magically forms and gains momentum, as if it was created just for him.  Effortlessly he can be one with the ocean, they are not separate entities.   If no where else, he has grown up here in the deep blue.   He feels free in the water,  when the land is off in the distance.  He floats in the crisp, salty, water, beneath the shadows of the cliffs and he notices the land above him.   It holds everything static and rushed with an amazing amount of stability.  He talks to the earth as well.  He feels most at ease in the fluid, blue-green, and white water.  He appreciates the animals.  His eyes pray for schools of dolphins to swim past.  He loves watching them round half circles over and under the surface.  He has seen sprays from a whale as as the sun went down, and silence fell upon him and the crowd cleared as dusk approached.  

He is a simple kind of man.  He appreciates beauty, listens closely and he takes his time.  He lets his troubles come and knows they will pass.  “He doesn't lust for rich mans gold he knows everything he has is in his soul”.  He has passion.  If he is not meant to be near to me forever, then nothing is right in this world.  If I can’t see him for the rest of my life then this must all just be a dream.  If I could only be so lucky to have him feel the same way.  He is an acoustic guitar, a sweet melody, the roar of the ocean, the sound of a pencil solving a math problem.  He is one sentence that says it all.  He draws the love out of me.  He inspires me.  He makes me want to lay down, slow down, enjoy the present and be grateful for today.  Is he looking for me in her eyes?  Only time will tell.  

love within the mystery

     He came over and made a suggestion. We would have baseline of friendship and then the rest would be icing on the cake.  I felt great about that.  A friend of mine asked me how many times we have had conversations like this.  I got defensive.  I said this is how I do relationships.  I am insecure when it comes to interacting with people, so having these conversations regularly and simply allows me to get the information I need to grow and fosters intimacy.  I think the fact that he committed to the friendship actually did the trick as far as a little security is concerned.  I can remind myself of  this when I get scared and think he is going to run away.  I believe we are spiritual beings and our purpose of being on this planet, is working out our lessons with others.  We are surrounded by people who have been cast to act accordingly in the lessons we are in the process of learning.  

Last night I watched a movie about a man and a woman who are “just friends” they decide to have a kid together because neither the woman who is approaching her later 30’s, or her male friend has found “the one” yet.  They count on avoiding all of the trials and tribulations that usually occur for married couples when raising a child because they are not romantically involved.  They intend to resume their pursuits of  life long romantic partners after putting the business of  “having a baby” behind them.  I have to admit, I related.  I have noticed that dating without having experienced the trauma of the first years of childrearing with someone, does makes the romance a little easier to come by.  It’s hardly a secret that sleep deprivation is miserable and misery loves company.  I mentioned to Lylah, a while back,  that although she has her husband and all the joys of parenting with her child’s father, there were also benefits to starting from scratch as well.  Even if only because of not having to race against the ticking of my biological clock.  I often wonder if I would be willing to have another child if I thought we were in a healthy and truly happy committed relationship.  She has experienced troubled times with her husband and they are still together.  They almost broke up around the time that I met her.  To be honest there were times when I thought that course of action made the most sense, but she stuck it out.  She is my rock and role model when it comes to not running away.  It has become increasingly clear that I have tried to compulsively run away from my relationship with date#16 at least 3 times in the last month.  I find it interesting that he knew Lylah’s sister.  They went to high school and made art together.  She died by her own hands when she was in her early twenties, as a result of schizophrenia.  Lylah has been advising me how to stick it out and not run away from date#16, which I’m certain is giving her the confidence to do the same when she has doubts concerning her own relationship.  I can’t help but wonder if the spirit of  Lylah’s sister has a hand in all of this.  Sometimes I think spiritual beings are privy to synchronicities and perhaps help guide them along.  Lylah is one of the friends that I have found is worth sticking around for.  We have had disagreements, we have forgotten to show up to each others important events, there have been times where I couldn't reach her and there have been times when I was too busy to respond.  Yet I am still grateful for her friendship.  In fact she was there when no one else was, right after Lucy’s dad left.  I am abolishing my previous ideal that relationships should be stagnant and fixed all the time. How boring.  There are so many different analogies I could come up with when it comes to flexibility within relationships, riding a wave, falling down, dancing even skateboarding.  All of these things involve a relationship to gravity and what’s awaits below.   

I’d like to focus on trust.  I used to be more trusting, I also used to be gullible.  So whats the difference?  

“Gullibility is a failure of social intelligence in which a person is easily tricked or manipulated into an ill-advised course of action. It is closely related to credulity, which is the tendency to believe unlikely propositions that are unsupported by evidence.” (wikipedia)

“Trust: In a social context, trust has several connotations.  Definitions of trust typically refer to a situation characterized by the following aspects: One party (trustor) is willing to rely on the actions of another party (trustee); the situation is directed to the future. In addition, the trustor (voluntarily or forcedly) abandons control over the actions performed by the trustee. As a consequence, the trustor is uncertain about the outcome of the other's actions; he can only develop and evaluate expectations. The uncertainty involves the risk of failure or harm to the trustor if the trustee will not behave as desired.” (wikipedia)

    Yep that pretty much sums it up.  It seems so obvious why I would have a hard time with trusting.  Yet, so far the only thing date#16 has done that would be considered untrustworthy (not able to be relied on as honest or truthful) is well, ......nothing.  Hmmm.  

In my mind what challenges my trust is the belief that if an individual doesn't do what I want them to, then I can’t trust them.  Which actually is not breaking trust at all, and is more accurately described as disappointment and attempts at manipulation, control, seduction, formulation and scheming.  Oh boy, I am constantly in shock at how the behaviors I have displayed because I have been afraid, are so blazingly un-fulfilling and unhealthy.  I am truly amazed that it is indeed ME that has been the one displaying the behaviors perpetuating my own cycle.  It is very tricky to convince myself that my own story isn’t true.  

If I were to say that date#16 and I were well on our way to getting married and flying to the moon, that might be labeled as gullible,  but if I said we are working on a friendship and seeing where that takes us I’d say that is more an example of trust.  

I had a question to ask him.  I wanted to ask, but I was sure even I wasn't that brave.   I had great visions of him teaching Lucy how to surf and play guitar.  The way he played with her, was so great.  It was so nice to have him there to bring out the best in her.  When he suggested the baseline of friendship I was finally willing to take that risk.  I asked him if he would be willing to hang out with me and Lucy together.  He said yes.  It’s a start.  I think it will be good for both of us, Lucy and I.  She has only seen me as a sterile mommy.  I think she would benefit from my role modeling of how to have a relationship or love a man.  Once again I can do that for her.  I can show her how to be fearless, mature and loving in a relationship.  I can show her how friendship is important.  I can teach her to accept things as they are and be grateful for the pure experience of someone I admire.  I can show her it’s ok to receive love.  She can learn that trust is a normal way of life, not a novelty that is reserved for people who are perfect.  I can’t help but think of  “The Aristocats”.  I’m serious.

I think it might be helpful for me to remember learning something new is sometimes difficult at first. but practice and perseverance make sustainable behaviors possible.  I am stumbling though, I am communicating my feelings even when I feel silly and lost.  But so far the returns I have received surpass anything I have experienced in any relationship before.  Here are the facts.  I have asked him specific questions and have been able to get answers.  I know he is physically attracted to me, as I am to him.  I know he is being honest with me, as I am honest with him.  I know he is intelligent.  I know we both love the ocean.  I know he is not running away even though he is in over his head.  I know I respect him and want to do my best to honor the feelings he is experiencing on his path.  I know that we are bonding and we are learning things together.  

    Here is what I want.  I want to know his fears.  I want to know what makes him happy.  I want to know his position on things, the experience of getting to know him and his essence.  I want to have fun with him.  I want him to be comfortable, to be heard and to feel safe.    I want to let go of control, so I can allow myself to trust him.   I want him to thrive, whatever that means to him.  I want to love him, as love is a verb.  I want to focus on my life and remember that this is a holistic approach.  A healthy relationship means I have my own hula hoop, and he has his.  We can come very close together hooping side by side but we will never be inside one hoop.  I am performing my own dance, my own goals, my own trajectory of life.  I will put my best foot forward in school and let my codependent obsessive thinking will dissolve as I know that I am secure in my relationship to him, whatever that looks like.  I am fumbling.  I am not perfect and I don't want to be.  I want to be real, gritty and a little dirty.  I want to stay.  I want to stay all of the time.  That’s right I said it,  all of the time.  Not just when I feel like it, not just when my ego is being satiated, but all of the time.  That’s why our friendship is so important.  It’s a commitment that seems significantly less intimidating.  I want him to know that I will be here, and I need to know that he will be there for me too.  I want to live my life as an available friend, lover and mother.   I want to be available when he is happy, when he is hurting, when he is confused, when he is looking for a partner who he can rely on.  When he is changing, when he is afraid, when he is moving forward.  And equally important, all those things must be reciprocated.  I must remember that a healthy relationship is equal.  I can give to that beautiful man exactly what is right, an I can be open to accepting it as well.  As I learned with mr.ten, a big part of changing my previous relationship dynamic is letting someone want me.  I welcome the kind of love that feels good, where actions taken are fulfilling and they inspire my heart to soar.  The more content and fulfilled I am in my own life, the more I have to give away and the more I can help others.  I believe in the power of healing and I believe that it is exciting to lift others up.  I am excited to give love, to receive love and to be love.   

    Our interaction is in progress.  The fact that he has not found a resolution with his ex may mean my struggle with the mystery will continue to be geared in that direction.  But I know that loving within the mystery is all inclusive.  Whether it is an unresolved relationship or a change in life’s path, people by nature live in the space of mystery, and always will.  I will never have the security I was once looking for.  What I thought I was looking for was security and a cemented relationship, but what I needed was trust.  That is what I have been missing all along.  At this very moment I can feel it.  I feel secure.  I feel content in the unknown.  This feeling will hide and I won’t remember having ever felt like this within the next 12 hours, I’m sure.  But I know that healthy behaviors grow, when they are exposed to the light.  I know that I will experience this faith and trust more regularly as long as I keep practicing the behaviors that lead me to feeling like this in the first place.  There is more to learn here and I am not a psychic, I can only be responsible for my actions and how I relate to the situation.  Each relationship is a case of trial and error.  I am learning more about myself and him everyday and more will be revealed as our relationship evolves.  Either way I am grateful for the opportunity to know him.  We all have issues, we all have behaviors we are ashamed of.  I never have to force myself to do anything anymore, I just pay attention to what comes naturally and I do it with loving kindness.

I had a dream.  I dreamt all men and women were together in a rose garden.  Some of them had been sad for so long, they had become disoriented and didn’t even know where they were.  Some of them wandered around numb.  The deeply wounded behaved like skittish small animals, they were panicked and could’t find a place to hide.  They felt overexposed and trapped by a large circle of  people holding hands surrounding the garden.  The wounded felt the urge to run, they longed to get out.  The wanted to be alone to find refuge within their solitude.  But the perimeter of people holding hands were nurturing, gentle and kind and this softened their desire.  At first they were scared and uncomfortable, they were unsure of what to expect and questioned whether or not they could trust.  They walked toward the outer circle with thoughts of escape, uncertain if they would be brutally forced to stay. They have been hit before, they have been coerced into doing things they didn't want to do and it hurt.  The wounded learned not to trust,.  They learned that trusting was not safe because the adults were sick.  But the adults in this circle looked different.  They were smiling, they were relaxed and seemed to have no vested interest in forcing the wounded to stay.  They invited them to do what made them feel comfortable.  I had never seen that before.  I thought that helping meant forcing someone to get better, to be better.  I thought that if a person admitted to needing help that their power was taken away from them.  But that’s not what was happening there.  In the garden the adults were holding hands and the wounded weren't trying to escape.  The wounded were still, they were staring blankly yet they were not running away.  They were paralyzed but in their stillness, they realized they weren't getting hurt and slowly began to feel to a sense of peace.  They imagined that was how trust might feel if they had it.  Still they couldn’t move.  They looked toward the center of the garden and noticed the joyous people resting peacefully or dancing with passion and laughter.  The wounded use to resent those who danced their joy because they couldn't figure out how it was possible.  They were dumbfounded by how the joyous felt so free.  But when the wounded came back to the feeling of trust, which they had felt just moments before, it drew them to dance.   Their limbs begged to sway and wanted to reach out.  Their feet began to lift slowly off the ground and shuffle.  They were being pulled from the inside to connect with those joyful people.  People who didn’t look so scary or so intimidating anymore.  The wounded began to feel like they weren't so different after all.  They realized that the only thing separating them from the joyous was their location in the circle.  They took a step toward the center of the garden, and immediately fear and hesitation flushed their cheeks.  They thought,  What if they judge me?  What if they can tell that I am not one of them?  What if they don't like me?  What if they know all the things that have happened to me?  What if they know that I feel sorry for myself and I’m not perfect?  As the negative thoughts came, the wounded began to glide backward toward the edge of the circle.  They were not walking backward, just gliding back; being automatically propelled by their negative thoughts.  But as they slid further toward the edge of the garden they never actually extended beyond the perimeter of the circle, because the circle just kept growing.  One by one the people who were dancing their joy in middle, seamlessly filed into the perimeter, joining hands.  The circle surrounding the garden became bigger still.  Some of the wounded were gliding backward without even knowing it, some were aware of their gliding, but did not know why, and then there were those who knew why, but still couldn’t stop they're backsliding.  The circle continued to grow bigger.   From above, it appeared the wounded were in the center of the garden.  The circle grew faster than the wounded moved backward.  Gradually the wounded no longer felt separate.  They felt heard, not dragged into the middle, they just magically found themselves there.  They had begun to heal, they began to reach out and touch one another, they began to thaw out emotionally.  They were no longer the wounded, they were now the healing.   The healing began to move as a group like an amoeba, slowly and little unsure.  The members holding hands began to to include themselves in the center once again and dance their joy.  It became difficult to differentiate between the two once segregated groups.  In their minds the healing were temped to run back to the outside, when they got nervous or self-conscious.  However the temptation always fell short of how good it felt to dance in the middle of the beautiful rose garden.  It felt healthy, real, it felt like love.  Over time that feeling grew, and grew and grew.  The healing  forgot why they ever felt like being on the outside in the first place.  They were fulfilled, supported and free.  Free to give to the next group of wounded individuals who found themselves edging toward outside of the circle. The healed surrounded them, wandered to the perimeter and held space and modeled how to dance their joy and the circle was complete.   

ummm it's almost the same except i don't have a key to his cob

Can I trust that the universe has my best interest in mind even though I can’t see it right now?   What if I didn't base my entire concept of a relationship on text messages?  Hmmm seems like an obvious way of living as I write it, and read the words.  What if I based relationships on what happens in the time we spend together?  That would probably lessen my anxiety by at least 50%.  I could focus on what is in front of me like, being a mom, dealing with school and maintaining order in my house.  I could stay in reality.  

He came over they other night and our plan was to once again discuss where we were going.  Originally, I thought our fling would be over by the third date at most.  Neither one of us really expected to like each other so much, it didn’t really fall into our pre-conceived plan.  He was just trying to get back out on the dating scene and have detached fun, and I was just adding another segment to my writing.  I told him I wanted to get a little more clarity on where we were headed, since we had had sex and once again I was confused.  My intention was not to back him into a corner but to listen to him and find out how he was feeling.  I have a tendency to vomit my process and feelings all over other people and I wanted this to go differently.  He was late a third time, by a half hour.  I called Lylah and told her I was about ready to call it quits again.  I felt like he didn't really want to see me since he was so late.  Right as she was explaining how she is also struggles with being punctual and stated “their problem not mine”,  advising me to not take it personally, he rode up on his bike in a bright pink t-shirt.  He gave me a short kiss, one that wreaked of nerves.  So I wasn’t too surprised when he said that he still didn’t know how he felt.  I told him I would rather he think about it some more and take his time, rather than just saying something to fill the space. He came straight over from the beach and was covered in sand.  I suggested he could take a shower, he said that was a good idea.  He thought it might give him some time to gain insight into how he felt and what he wanted to say.  

He got out of the shower and still was clammed up tight.  I said I had an idea, but felt like he would think I was crazy for suggesting it. And I felt a little crazy for thinking it too.  I swallowed my pride and told him to start leaning into me.  We began to dance, it was clearly more disconnected than the first time we danced together.  Eventually I told him it would only work if he stopped thinking.  We carried on for a little while.  It might have helped.  I sat and held him, his back to mine, my hand on his chest, my back against the wall.  We sat there in silence until, eventually he began to speak.  He talked about her and there strange interactions.  He asked me if it was ok for him to say what he was disclosing.  I said yes, and surprisingly I meant it.  He said he didn’t want to make me sad.  I have had conversations like this before when the news was disappointing and I felt my heartbreaking as they spoke.  This was different, for some reason I was just listening as a friend and I appreciated his honesty.  If we were going to have a relationship of the caliber I wanted, it was essential that he tell me the truth and not be afraid of my reaction.  When he was finished he asked me how I was feeling.  I expressed my gratitude and shock for the change in my perception and behavior.  I couldn’t believe that I was capable of being so open, and how thankful I was for being able to interact with him in a healthy manor. 

I was enlightened by my interaction with mr.ten, not to mention that Lylah has remind me on numerous occasions, that I can be somewhat skittish in the face of conflict.  I have acknowledged that what I had perviously labeled as being abandoned was actually my lack of willingness to communicate and stay engaged in the relationship.  It has become my new variable.  What would happen if I didn’t decide I never wanted to talk to him again, or felt badly about myself when when he doesn't return a text right away or when he is just being honest about some of the relations between him and his ex.  After all, I could walk away if I didn’t feel like he was worth the friendship.   I now know that people are special and valuable.  It wasn't until recently that I could really care about another human being at all.  When I interact with people sometimes I just feel so grateful to be witness to them and their existence.  And some of those people really stand out to me.   Now that I have been exposed to people who are loving and vulnerable, I am in awe and aspire to posses those qualities to.  They are so radically different from my family of origin.  

Growing up, there was no sign of selflessness to be found.  I realized yesterday that I never had friends over as a kid.  There was only one time someone came over to my house because her mom had set it up, and I didn’t particularly like the girl, she ate all the cherries and stole my candy from a special tin under my bed.  Both of the other girls I would hang out with, both used me as outlets to perpetuate their sexual abuse.  I grew up in a place that was not safe emotionally.   I could not count on anyone for support, love or safety.  I spent a lot of time hiding in my closet.  My parents fought constantly.  There was screaming name calling, pushing, violence and it was pretty obvious that they had no clue of how it was effecting my brother and I.  A few years ago, when I first started to realize that I was consistently having problems with attachment and relationships due to my upbringing,  I was pretty sure I was doomed.  I felt like I was sentenced to a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships and loneliness.  It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I always reverted back to the same survival skills, automatically.  A friend of mine told me that the defenses I had acquired were as a result of poor attachment to both of my parents.  I had no idea how to over come such a deeply ingrained problem.  But the pain of my loneliness and constant confusion concerning how other people had seemed to have figured it out, kept me searching for a solution.   As I watch Lucy grow up the influence I have over her and that of her environment becomes so obvious.  I wondered how on earth could I rewind the damage acquired during my childhood?   

This is how.  By trusting in the universe as a guide for me to do things differently.  I have told date#16 some version of this.  I am called to different behaviors than I was a few years ago.  My willingness to tell him how I feel no matter what and staying even when I’m scared, is quite literally re-routing neuro pathways in my brain.  I am keenly aware of what I want.  I want connection and I want the feeling of giving and receiving love.  Instinctually, telling him that he is not over his ex-girlfriend enough for me to connect with him, when I really feel drawn to him feels so wrong.  To be honest the fact that I can even deduct this after believing the opposite for so long, pretty much blows my mind.  My job is to stay engaged with him and pay attention to what happens in reality.  I am working on finding a balance during the physical space between us.  I often struggle the day after we hang out. I feel pangs of abandonment and fear he is spending time with me against his will.  When this happens I just notice  how I am feeling and sometimes I will send him a text just saying I had a good time or sending him a hug.  It’s a way for me to counter act my impulse to withdrawal and hold back emotionally, which just intensifies the loneliness.  I choose to love within myself, and to love within the mystery of not knowing how he will act.  I would like to let go a little bit more so that I could let him contact me to make plans.  My threshold for space is pretty low, so I am usually the first to contact him.  But I realize that a healthy relationship is equal, which would require me to trust that he will respond.  I must let him show me that he is interested and then, the hardest part, believe him.  He has shown me in a variety of ways.  But I think my favorite was when we were having a discussion about how I believed the only person who can make me happy is me.  He said people can make each other happy.

Me: “No, I am the only person who can make me happy”

Him: “People can make other people happy,”

Me:  “No, they can’t”

Him:  “Yes, they can,”

Me:  “No, they cant”

Him:  “I know they can”

Me:  “How do you know that?”

Him:  “Because you make me happy”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  My guts fell like they have been hung out to dry.  I’m in that place of sadness where it almost feels good, like some sort of release.  I am trying to take care of my heart.  I thought it was so great.  He was different.  I am different.  Nothing can prevent the pain of heartache, and unpredictability.  “Love all, trust a few, and do wrong to none” is the tattoo on the woman's arm sitting next to me.  I have decided to treat myself to my favorite pizza and it happens to be a Friday night.  I’ll probably go see a dance performance after this, as I am too tired to dance.  I called Mark and he said it helps to give myself permission to get angry.  The funny thing is I’m not angry at all, not even a little bit.  I am sad.  Sad for him sad for me, sad for us.  I keep checking my phone to see if he wants to continue the dialogue.  But sure enough nothing.  I am at the bar in front of the cooks.  I am watching a woman pour cream into some frying pans.  Everything looks so innocent and un affected by my change of heart.  I feel like life is happening without me, like how the tv show continues even after you turn it off.  I am an outsider looking into what happy people are doing.  I’m kinda forcing myself to eat, it’s a good thing.  I have been more honest with him than anyone in probably my whole life, or at least it’s more noticeable because the depth of feelings.  I read him his segment, the last one.  It was a risk.  There are feather boas hanging near the back of the bar for the crazy show this restaurant does on Friday and Saturday nights.  I am mesmerized by the guy tossing the pizza.  My stomach is starting to get hungry, which is good.  The food will make me feel better if I’m hungry.  I could't tell this is how it would go, with him.  I couldn't tell that I would continue to open up to him, the way I did.  I am not protecting myself the way I used to.  But if I really think about it, was that protection working very well anyway?  Not really, I was just feeling the pain of withholding and fear.  I’m pretty sure this feels better than that.  So did I run away?  No, I just sent him a text saying he could call me when he was emotionally available, I was beginning to feel like I wanted more than he could give.  

They’re about to dance.  They keep calling out to each other in passing “two minutes guys, two minutes”.  He keeps changing his mind back and forth concerning his place with her. 

“I’m ready” one of the waiters says.  “Were starting in like one minute”.  

The guy behind the counter begins warming up tossing the pizza dough, it’s a pizza dough spinning dance extravaganza.  I want to convince myself that our lifestyle differences would get in the way, but I’m not really buying it.  The restaurant starts howling.  The waitress’s are putting on their feather boas.  The pizza dough tossing star of the show is stretching out.  It’s hard to feel shitty when seven mexican male cooks are dancing synchronized with yellow feather boas to dancing queen.  Everybody is clapping and dancing and singing, taking pictures, moving their bodies freely.  Now they are dancing to the song footloose.  I just felt a gust of air on my face from the pizza dough being thrown.  The music gets louder, the clapping intensifies.  They are crouching behind the wall to throw the dough at the right time, in synch with the music.  I probably look ridiculous with my eyes swelling up with tears as a result of their cheese ball performance.  But I have to admit I feel better.  Then back to business as usual.  I can’t help but relate it to romance.  They are doing their job.  Sometimes it’s exiting and fun, sometimes it’s work and sometimes, it’s family.  Yeah my heart is breaking but, I still like the guy.