i don't judge my thoughts. i don't judge my actions. i am here to learn.

him: sex definitely strikes a chord with you. me: yes it does.

So when I tell people about my dates and how lately it seems I am not finding the qualities I am looking for, I am often asked the question:

“How old are they?”  

“29? oh, well their just too, young.” 

“32? oh, their still immature”  

“36? oh, well there not old enough”  

How old to do they have to be before their mature? 

“Some of them never mature”  

Jesus.  So then what’s the point of basing anything on age at all?  I realize I am fighting a losing battle, but in some ways it like gaming logic. If I don’t play the game, I can’t ever win.  Part of this experiment is to help narrow my focus as to what I want to attract, but the other part of me feels that this is just some kind of karmic chutes and ladders. The main point is that inevitably my process will lead to learning something that will help me feel more content in a way I can’t foresee right now. 

I have to make an amendment to my code of ethics.   If I go out on a second date with a man and I tell them about the blog and project 52weeks52dates, and they like they idea and are willing to have me continue writing about them, then I can go ahead and write followups.  

So my repeat date with date#2 was the first date I told.  He was enthusiastic about my idea and began  culminating all the possible ways he could make it work to his benefit.  Such as, being privy to inside information about himself and as he put it “his competition”.  He even began to try and solve my obvious time management issues if I intend to double dip on a regular basis.  I was very thrilled to receive his encouragement and appreciated his willingness to communicate about my newly revealed motives.  We went out for dinner at a mexican restaurant resembling a castle of sorts in Campbell (everything seems so huge when I leave Santa Cruz).  We went to dinner at my request, because his first suggestion was movie night at his house and I felt that was a little to forward for our second date.  I assume he is not a foodie as the food was mediocre but the conversation was stimulating.  After I told him about the blog I and my project, I felt a huge sense of relief wash over me and I felt quite validated and relieved.  Then just as I was about to bask in the glow of my artistic freedom and excitement of beginning on a clean slate, I remembered.....Lucy.  My face went limp, my eyes fixated on a point of nothingness in space.  Quickly I assessed whether I thought I would be seeing him again, and when my answer was yes, I knew I was not off the hook quite yet. He noticed my cosmic crash and said “I just watched you completely space out, that was so cool”.  So I figured now was a better time to tell him then later.  “I have a three year old”, I said.  He was not put off by that and he was completely open to my having a child (as I am writing this I can’t help but wonder if his lack of negative  judgment was related to the possibility that I was just another prospective fuck buddy).

Then we laughed and laughed and laughed.  And then I laughed some more.  I felt truly appreciated for who I was.  I was being myself completely.  I was able to let loose and show my wacky zany side that is always doubting its acceptance. Yet there was no doubt.  I was confident in myself.  Did I mention he is hysterical?  This man is definitely one of the two funniest people I have ever met.   I had to get up early the next morning for my marathon training, so I felt it necessary to be back at my house by midnight.  But I didn’t want to go home, it was only 9:00 when we finished dinner.  So he asked me if I would like to continue to hang out longer, and I said we could go to his house.  I grabbed my leftovers and we went to his place to watch a movie.  As I mentioned earlier I was very consciously aware that by going to his house I was playing with fire.  Impulsive sex was not an option, but I was enjoying his company.His owns is a three story townhouse.  He gave me the tour and asked me to pick a movie.    He presented to me, his bachelor fridge.   Inside were some sports drinks and condiments which lined the vast abyss of the interior that held only shelves.  Very clean and very San Jose.  No incense, no tapestries, no antiques, just new polished out of the box furniture and a big screen T.V.    He showed me the other two levels and we went into his home office and I asked him if he wanted to read his segment.  He liked it.  He also showed me his online writing of “How To Write a Good Online Dating Profile”.  It was pretty good.  We went back downstairs and I chose to watch “He’s Just Not That Into You”. We got close on the couch and I felt that the magnetism between us was changing polarity intermittently.  At one moment he was drawing closer to me and I pulled in closer to him, and the next, he pulled in and I pulled away.  I was playing with the line of my comfort level being this close to a stranger.  Nonetheless I was attracted to him in a questionable sort of way.  It wasn’t a clear passionate draw like it has been with other lovers.  Something felt slightly wrong about it.  Was it his cologne? His obvious attempt to get close too quickly? So I just regulated what I was comfortable with and acknowledged my own boundaries.  

Despite the indeterminate level of attraction, I wanted to kiss him.  Not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to.  His humor resonated in me like the sound of a gong. It was so powerful that it in itself made my heart flutter.  It was like my brain was so stimulated by him, that it was in control of my heart. About half way through the movie our kiss was implemented quickly. I have had first kisses in the past where the air and space between us was so heavy, my heart was swollen and the nonphysical contact was electric.  It was lost on us.  There was no pause.  It felt like it happened with no static.  We kissed and watched the movie intermittently, and took what he jokingly called “make-out breaks”   During these breaks I was able to get my wits about me.  He liked to talk through movies, as do I.  We finished the movie (it was ridiculous, and yes per usual, my reaction to movies with terrible, unrealistic endings, I was outraged) and I was late for my projected time of getting home.  It was midnight.  He drove me back to my car and I tried to access his motives.  After all the sexual advances I began to wonder if this was something I was willing to dedicate some of my very sparse free time to.  He had some expectations that he communicated concerning sex.  Basically he was willing to wait but not too long,  and even put a rough time limit on it.  He also said “Just because you wont have sex with me tonight does’t mean I am looking at you negatively”.  Which is when I had, had it.  I said “Did I just hear that correctly?” Now maybe he was just preemptively trying to squelch my revealed codependent issues, but thats not how I took it.  It made him seem like he thought he was entitled.  But even though my reaction was heated, he could handle it. I really liked that he  was able to talk through my excited response and we were able to communicate about what I thought was going on.  Eventually we were parked next to my car and I explained that I didn’t see us going out again because it seemed the like there was too much emphasis on sex.  He suggested we didn't make any hard and fast decisions, as it was late and perhaps I was little riled up from my reaction to the conclusion of the movie.  I agreed, and he said “I’m going to get out of the car...”  I said, “NNOOOOOOO....I have to get out first!”.  Somehow I felt that if I had a repeat of the form of date#1 I would have lost my pride. I scrambled to try and get out of the car first, but I could’t find the door handle.  As I was pawing, reaching desperately, he turned on the interior light and calmly grabbed the handle for me.  I got out of the car and felt like I caught my first breath after coming up from the bottom of the pool. HahHa, my dignity still intact, I thought. He was still sitting in the car. He leaned toward the open door, looked up at me and said “Can I get out of the car now?” Regaining my composure, I said “Yes.... yes now you can get out”.  We hugged and held each other and kissed.  He made me laugh more as we embraced in the best proportion, as he is two inches taller than me (my favorite).  I got into my car and drove back over the hill feeling pretty good about finding the balance of having fun and keeping myself safe.  He told me to text him when I got home, so he knew I made it home safely.  I texted him when I got back and he reiterated he wanted to see me again.  I said that was most likely.  

Then he sent me another text saying:

 “I read the first couple installments of the blog, and rule#1 and rule#2 are out of the bag”

I texted back:

“Fuck” 

“Shit”

He replied:

“Hey only one of us can have Tourettes, ok?

I lay there in my bed and I laughed myself to sleep.

am i the only one who takes notes on a date?

my OKCupid profile

Last Online:

Online now!

Ethnicity:

White

Height:

5′ 7″ (1.70m).

Body Type:

Fit

Diet:

Mostly anything

Smokes:

No

Drinks:

Not at all

Drugs:

Never

Religion:

Buddhism

Sign:

Scorpio

Education:

Working on college/university

Job:

Student

Income:

$20,000–$30,000

Offspring:

—

Pets:

—

Speaks:

English (Fluently), French (Okay), Spanish (Poorly)

My self-summary

I have a strong pull to continually evolve, learn and grow. I like to experience life through all my senses, and like being in the barrel of the wave. I don't sit on the side lines of life anymore, and am finding out who I really am. I am pursuing a bachelors in Psychology, with the intention of earning a PhD. I am a sensitive, creative hippie spliced with a slightly cynical, smarty pants who loves a little adrenaline. I love learning...Im trying to learn spanish.

What I’m doing with my life

I am a full time student, performing a math-a-thon until I transfer to UCSC next fall in Psychology. I am a great student and I like writing. Which is funny because wring this profile is seemingly corny and slightly silly. I am a hairstylist and have been in the industry for 6 years. I live downtown, which is the thing that completes me. I plan on someday buying a house down here, even if I will be 60 when that happens.

I just started training for a half marathon, the route is basically the wharf to wharf, back and forth. I love to run. I love that I can run without feeling like I'm going to die now.

I’m really good at

being myself. i absolutely cannot help it.

cutting and coloring hair

being empathetic

school

laughing at myself

learning

The first things people usually notice about me

tattoos, unless I'm wearing long sleeves. I have been told on occasion I have nice teeth.

The six things I could never do without

ipod

computer

spaghetti

music

downtown santa cruz

bed

On a typical Friday night I am

doing whatever I want AHAHAAAAA!!!!!!

I’m looking for

• Guys who like girls
• Ages 27-35
• Near me
• Who are single
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

You should message me if

1. you can make me laugh.

2. you don't have serious risk assessment issues.

3. you love academia.

4. you have enough self confidence to do so.

5. you are into living in the moment and reality, and are willing to see where those moments take you.

Date#3 is a chemistry PhD candidate at the university.  He likes guinea pigs.  In our first email he asked for clarification regarding my request to contact me only if “you don't have risk assessment issues”. He said that he was a into rock climbing and was wondering if that was too risky for my taste.  I explained that I meant unprotected sex, participating in behaviors that would put your job at risk and not wearing a seatbelt, stuff like that. I want someone who values themselves.  I am more or less describing chronic self destructive behavior.  He mentioned he had tickets to a concert, on Friday and suggested we meet for coffee first. I recommended Verve, the ultra hipster young person coffee shop in town (very Portlandia).  We exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone the following night.  He asked how long I had been on OKCupid.  I said I had been on one other date (which was true at the time). He asked me how it went.  I said it was fine except I was confronted by the fact that I don’t reject others very easily.  “You mean you have never rejected a guy before?” he exclaimed.  “Well it’s just a little hard for me”,  I explained. With a blind date scenario there is an expectation to asses where you want to take the relationship without a lot of background information. The question of attraction that is just hanging there like one of those sticky a fly strip traps. I at least am up for the challenge, since according to my therapist, I process things at the speed of a Intel Pentium Processor.  He was meeting me after teaching a lab up at school.  We had agreed to meet at 9:30 pm which is very close to my bedtime.  He was a little late but that was excusable because he was coming from class, and I know how difficult it can be to get out the door promptly.  My waiting for him triggered this paranoid voice that whispers,  we wont recognize each other and I’ll be stood up by accident.  I got up to look around around the shop to just make sure he hadn’t missed me.  Just then he walked in the back door. When our eyes met, I looked happy to see him and he looked well..nervous.  His social interactions were abrupt and rough around the edges.  He quickly went to order coffee and I pointed to where I was sitting.  When he came back I tried having a conversation about life and was met with surprising signals of disinterest. I tried to get the conversation going in a direction that would more interesting to him.  It’s a good thing that I spent so much time in the Math Learning Center at Cabrillo College last summer (math summer session hell) otherwise I probably would feel like we had absolutely nothing to talk about at all.  

My impression of people with a deep affinity for the sciences and math, is that they have a very different way of seeing the world. They usually take a more analytic and “zoomed in”  approach to the happenings around them.  We talked about what it feels like to be so deeply focused on solving a problem, that you fee like you might lose your mind.  He explained the concept of entropy, which I found fascinating (probable organization of things and atoms).  At this point I grabbed a pen and starting jotting down some of the things he was telling me.  I wanted to be able to look into some of the topics we were discussing when I got home, and I knew there was no way I would remember them........what? Is that weird? What can I say, my brain is a sponge and I'm not your average bear.  In his opinion, entomologists, people who study bugs, are the weirdest of all the fields of interest. I told him I thought it was philosophy, and he partially agreed.  I noticed a similarity to what I found over the summer (when I was getting to know some of the, what I like to call “math oriented” people). I could tell he looked at me in a slightly distrusting way, knowing I was not cut from the same cloth.  There were moments when I saw glimpses of him letting his guard down. I could see it in his eyes,  they became softer, gentler.  He seemed genuinely surprised that I was interested in anything he was saying.  We talked about color.  About how and why a  color can change tonal value, and be visually cool and then appear warm, within moments, when there is no change in the lighting.  It was getting late and we were both getting very tired.  He was probably going to go back up to the lab to finish his homework.  He asked me if I wanted a ride back to my house and I declined. I will try to avoid that what I will call "car paralyzation" if at all possible.  We continued to talk when he reached his car, and I figured if he wanted to ask me to that concert here was his opportunity.  He didn’t.  I left feeling very good about our interaction I have him to thank, for showing me how to be right sized when it comes to meeting and parting for the first time.   

ummm do i need a lawyer?

It has the capacity to ruin us, to tear us apart. It can make us feel like we are nothing but a salable good.  It can separate us.  It destroys marriages, families and sibling relationships.  It can cause people to walk away from religion and spirituality.  It has been used to torture women, men, and children.  It can arouse jealousy.  It is used to demonstrate power, abuse power and to take power away.  It is used to re-live trauma. It can induce shame and guilt. It is used to hurt oneself and to hurt others.  

and...

It can begin life. It can create a feeling of wholeness.  It can be a physical incarnation of true passionate love.  It can take you places you never knew you could go.  It makes you feel alive.  It connects you to your animal urges.  It can reveal the truth about someone.  It can connect two souls who have been longing to meet again.  It can bring you closer to God.  It can bring pleasure to two people simultaneously with no effort at all. It creates a space for you to roll out of your consciousness and into each others.  It gives you permission to occupy someone else's space and feel their essence dance with yours.  It can fill your heart and insides with the warmest glow and comfort. It can fill that hole in your stomach. It is very important, because it connects.

It can bring you to your knees, it can make you feel like you’ll never be normal again, it can bring back memories of trauma that you wish never existed in the first place. It can make you feel like you want to die.  It can make you long for more.  It can inspire you to love again.  It can create a longing for what once was.  It can be an amazing way to get lost in their eyes.  It can make you realize that when you love someone, and you are really attracted to them, that nothing in the world is better.  It can break your heart.   It can be repeated over and over and over in your mind. It can take your breath away. 

“Do you want to watch a movie,” 

translation: “I want to get close to you”, 

“and snuggle?”.

translation: “so that we can have sex?”.   

See the problem is, women always fall for this one because it appeals to their sense of nurturing and companionship.  So let me clarify the confusion. Men are designed by nature, no matter how delusional they may be, to have sex.  For most of my conscious life I have judged the aforementioned statement to be unforgivable.  I now see that men are at the mercy of their biology.   For the first time in my life, I see men as gentle creatures despite the fact that they are called to mating rituals not much more evolved than dogs.  It’s a matter of how willing they are to rein in those urges in order to be present in the relationship at hand. Their desire to maintain interest and love in one woman regardless of nature pulling them in other directions, is not an impossible feat.  We all have choices. As adults we all choose to participate in the situations we are experiencing.  It is our responsibility to keep ourselves safe (and of course I am not referring to instances of rape/abuse).  We must find our own boundaries and respect them. It goes back to personal accountability.  If we were taught as children to respect ourselves and our bodies and this was reinforced by our culture, (men and women) I am sure taking care of ourselves when it comes to sex would not be be such a challenge.   This change in my perception of men and their sexual orientation is so revolutionary to me, that even those letters that make up the word look a little less threatening. Sex. Sex. Sex.

The questions and answers concerning my moral obligations to the men I am dating are not cut and dried. One of the ways I have been fooling myself when it comes to relationships, is the belief that if I can predict how a person will act and brace myself for the impact, it might prevent me from getting hurt. When in fact it manifests the exact opposite outcome.  I learned how to create my own fantasy and disregard reality.  In examining my motives for 52weeks52dates, I realized that part of what makes this project so relevant, is that it requires not engaging in predictive decision making.

I am willing to create a general outline of ethical guidelines concerning my project, however I must remain open to what unfolds on a day to day basis.  Here are some ideas I am playing with for initial ground rules.  I think it seems appropriate to cut a man out of the blog after the first date.  If I end up continuing to pursue an intrigue with such a man, they have a right to know that I will be writing about my other meetings with men by our third date (how optimistic of me, to think that I will actually make it to the third date with any of them).  I will explain that I will be dating and pursuing this project for the next year.  If hearing this information is misaligned with what is acceptable to them, then they have the choice not to see me again.  If they are willing to cultivate a relationship with me knowing what I have laid out in front of them, then we have a deal.  

So what about sex?  I will not, I repeat will not have impulsive sex (not even a little).  I obviously can’t make hard and fast rules as to if I will ever have sex with anyone I meet this year.  However, in order to keep my wits about me, I need to be clear headed during this process and sex messes with my brain. In addition to these loose guidelines I will also be running these ideas and the weekly happenings, by my therapist on a regular basis, to keep my self on the level.  I realize I’m playing with fire, and she can bring some much needed sane perspective to this circus.  I was thinking this morning that I’m just being efficient.  I’m 31 years old.  I don't have that kinda time, to slowly develop relationships at a snails pace; one person at a time.  My 20’s were useless as far as intimate relationships go.  So, I’m just making up for lost time. 

So what happens if I start to like someone?  Well let me tell you why that is an irrelevant question at this stage in the process.  Because of my attachment issues, I have a hard time not becoming attached quickly, and this usually happens with the people who mimic my very neurotic primary caregivers as a child.  My friend Margaret suggested the possibility of getting to know people in the context of a relationship.  I said “that’s impossible”. So far for at least 17 years I have been getting enmeshed too quickly and easily. I have a hard time staying in my solid self.  This gets in the way of my getting to know someone clearly. I need some incentive to keep me from jumping in with both feet before I have any clue who they are, because as previous experience has taught me, sometimes getting out is not as easy as I think it will be.   

My FIRST dates are encounters lasting all of 2 hours or so. Having never met them before, this is our very first interaction ever.  I am not obligated to tell them anything about my self. PERIOD!  What I have and who I am inside is sacred. I don’t owe them anything. I’m to old to not be skeptical.  I think that to judge and hold others accountable for hurting my feelings, is an example of flawed logic as obvious as religious dogma.  I want to touch on the fact that I now understand, that my feeling of over responsibility when it comes to turning men down is really an over inflated sense of importance.  I have no reason to feel guilty about saying, “your fine and I’m not feeling it” and move on.  The real issue is fine tuning what I feel.  And I think that takes time, even when deciphering feelings about just one person.  I think it’s important to remind myself that I have the freedom to take as long as I want to decide whether I’m feeling chemistry or not.  I  never have to rush into explaining my feelings....ever.

date#2 the ethics of dating

Ooh that wasn't so bad.  In fact it was quite good, a little too good.  I’m not actually supposed to like anyone during this experiment.  Hmm seems as though “date#2” went better then expected.  But there’s still hope, after all it was only our first encounter. Next time could be much worse.  Last night as I was perusing OkCupid for potential future disasters, I was messaged by a fellow who described himself as being funny, not living with his parents and by all appearances seemed like he was worth a shot.  After messaging back and forth for a little while he said, “If you ever I ever find yourself in my neck of the woods, maybe we can meet up”.  Well as it turned out, I was going to be in his neck of the woods the next day for a work training. I suggested we could meet up  after my class.  Our original plan was to meet at a Starbucks, right down the street from where my class was being held, and also a 5 minute walk from his office (I went on a date with a guy who works in an office! Ha!) I assumed my training would get a break for lunch, but we didn't so I decided to text him and suggest food instead.  I appreciated the clarity in which he responded and made plans.  I didn’t get that “I’m going to play aloof and keep her guessing” feeling from him.  I liked that he was flexible and communicative.  I told him I would find where I wanted to go to eat, and then let him know so he could meet me.  I wandered around the shopping complex looking for a suitable restaurant. Just as I began to wonder if there were any indian establishments near by I caught a whiff of curry. (I  forgot to mention this in my last post, but I have had four first dates at indian restaurants, two of them resulting in a significant relationships)  I peered through the window and noticed one of my daughter’s friend’s fathers sitting eating lunch.  I fast forwarded to the moment where we would recognize each-other and introductions would come and I would say “oh and this is “date #2”.  We just met on OKCupid... yes just now”.  So to avoid any foreseen awkwardness, I decided to leave my comfort zone and made my way back to the brewery that was recommended by someone I met in class. In the mean time we were in communication by text concerning location and my estimated time of arrival. I told him I was wearing a black and white scarf.  I went in and was seated.  I started to feel like a boat lost at sea. In a place I had never been, having lunch with a man I had never met. About 60 seconds after I the sent a text very specific to where I was sitting, he appeared from around the corner.  I got the feeling that he was punctual (bonus).  He was wearing a blue cotton button down shirt and nice suit jacket.  Which was seemingly appropriate attire for a technical marketing job at a startup company.   My first impression: endearing, sweet and confident.  We talked about his job and my love/hate relationship with math.  I noticed he kept blinking and flinching, like he was adjusting his collar.  I scanned my memory bank for possible reasons to explain this behavior.  Eye floaters? No that was the strange philosophy major I was chatting with on Instant Message.  Possible drug user.....? Then I remembered. He did mention it, he has Tourrettes, not the swearing-yelling kind, but the ticks and stuff.  Once I remembered, I found it made him seem down to earth.  I liked the way he was comfortable in his own skin. His comfort with it made me feel more comfortable about spitting salad in his direction twice. On a couple of occasions he made some impressive clever connections.  When I told him my name meant an infinite om, he looked slightly excited and said “like ohm, the measurement of electricity?”  I burst out laughing. No, and I had never thought of it that way.  Obvious train of thought for a science nerd.  I could tell he wasn’t holding back his smarts. Which of course was very attractive.  He was willing to explain things to me in a way I could understand, things about hard drives, recovering data and the frustrations of an FBI IT person.  He talked about his love of “The Breakfast Club” and I mentioned my love for the Ally Sheddy movie, “I’ll take you there”.  He suggested we get together and watch them some time.  Hmmmmm. Second date, movie night.......?  May bring up the issues of ...well you know.  So what I’m really thinking about is how am I going to realistically go out with 52 guys in a year if I actually want to see any of them twice!!!  I’m running into moral and logistical issues straight away.  He told me that his boss has a 11 year old daughter whose hacking skills are comparable to that of an adult, and that we will be training our teens to brake down firewalls just the simple  nature of teenage rebellion.  And that is why he said he would never want a daughter.  I averted my eyes and said “yep”, nodding my head in an understanding, yet guilt stricken way.  At which point he asked me “so what are you looking for?” I said "to be honest I don’t know".  Here's what has stated to float around in my mind as I formulate what my intentions actually are.  I guess part of me really wants to just write about the hilarity of online dating.  Meet new people. But actually get involved?   That might ruin my project. Crap. Moral dilemma.  I guess I could say that I’m not interested in a commitment or anything serious for at least a year (enough time to complete my project). But what I also said was that I wasn't into guys who practiced life long polyamory.  Then we discussed the terms of and how that differs from polygamy.  So my explanation was that I didn't want to be having sex with, or having feelings for someone who was also having sex and feelings for someone else. 

So here are the questions I have for myself:

1. Do I intend to sleep with any of these men outside of a committed relationship?
2. If  I am going to be dating multiple people, am I ok with them dating others as well?
3. If they are dating others am I ok with the wide variety of intentions that come along with that? (having sex with other women?, falling for other women?, casual attachment to other women?)
4. Why didn’t I take Ethics instead of Philosophy of Religion last semester? 

disclosure

My first blind date was with a man who recently moved here from Brooklyn, New York  (no accent though).  He's originally from Boston (still no accent).  I met him on OKCupid a free online dating website.  I have set my online search preferences to show me only men who have a PhD, or are in the process of obtaining one.  So "date#1" is working up at the university doing  research having to do with bio-technical stuff.  Smarty pants men really do it for me. And to clarify, by smart I mean educated.  As of late I have realized that "smart potential" is not enough.  I value education deeply, and I am starting to see the benefit of being more specific about what I really want when putting it out into the universe.  To be honest I like the idea of them teaching me a thing or two.  One of the first things we discussed by email was the culture shock he was experiencing.  I started to realize how fully saturated in Santa Cruz culture I am.   I couldn't adequately justify why people from the "valley"(San Jose) are poo-pooed by Santa Cruz locals.  I can't really explain localism, but I get it.  I can't explain why I love walking downtown; being surrounded by zany artists and crazy waco-a-doos, who may have over shot the mark tripping on psychedelics.  I can’t explain why all of this makes me feel all snug and cozy inside.  I like the feeling of not sticking out.  Being that I am the black sheep of my family, I love how this city is very accepting of the bold, brazen and those who are a little mentally unstable.  Anyway the "do's and don'ts" of Santa Cruz seemed to be lost on him.  We talked on the phone for an hour previous to our date the following night.  I was getting the impression that he may have been a little to uptight for my taste, and he was a little older than my age preference, but like I told him, even I'm a little older than I would like to be these days, so I guess I can be a little flexible on that one.  So we made plans to meet at an indian restaurant 7:00,  then 7:30, then 7:45.  Seems he was having a bit of time management issues straight out the gate.  

I arrived at 7:44 thinking, “perfect”, expecting to see him.  At 7:55 when I was waiting for him out in the cold and had received neither a text nor a phone call, I was beginning to get a bit perturbed. I decided not to go into the restaurant and wait because I have seen one to many scenes on t.v. where the girl gets stood up at the restaurant, and I was not about to be that girl.  As I vacillated in and out of the Goodwill Thrift store, next door trying to stay warm and kill time, I wondered what would I do if he didn’t show up?  How long am I supposed to wait?  Just as I was about ready to call it quits he called saying that his gauge of time was all wrong and he had parked on the wrong end of town, but he was walking in my direction.  So there he was; black suit jacket, jeans, black leather shoes and headed straight for me.  He looked exactly like his picture.  We walked back to the restaurant and sat down.  As I took off my jacket I saw his eyeballs scan me like a xerox machine.  But I could tell he wasn't conscious of what his brain was just naturally telling him to do.  I could also see him eyeballing my tattoos but similarly to what happened with my body, he quickly pretended like they weren't there.  Now what I'm about to say may sound a bit, well.. contradictory but I have a few things I am going to keep secret on FIRST dates:

1) I will not tell them I used to be a stripper. 

2) I will not tell them I have been with women most of my adult life. 

3) I will not tell them I am a mom.

I know what your thinking (and I cant help but agree with you a little), if I'm so concerned with my privacy, why am I willing to write my deepest inner thoughts and have them exposed on the internet?  Well, its my art.  There is a certain amount of anonymity when blogging and I will not be actively building a romantic relationship with the people reading this. 

So anyway, that being said, one of the things that I am working on is cultivating new relationships and building them slowly on solid emotional ground.  So when things get shaky the triggers are less likely, to be that of the “hair” variety (i.e hair trigger).  I will tell you the truth.  I have done some things in my life that many find shocking, entertaining, tragic, exciting and exploitive.  I have told people these stories nonchalantly and although I do enjoy the attention, I end up feeling overexposed.  I have found that once a man knows I used to be a stripper I can kiss the possibility of them ever really seeing me for who I am now goodbye.  The questions of what, when, where, and how start pouring out of their mouths like an overflowing bathtub and I can’t help but answer them.  Then I end up feeling like a Sunday newspaper at the breakfast cafe, on a Monday morning.  I feel tattered, disposable and my insides feel like crinkled up pieces of yesterday’s news.  I have spent my lifetime trying to be understood.  I have over identified with my own story and what I have done.  For years I have been convinced that I was my past.  Which by the way, I am not.  I have come up with an acronym for what I like to call our CRAP.  "Conditioned Responses Acquired for Protection".  There is a certain amount of CRAP that is inevitable as we wade through life on our way to getting more closely acquainted with our true essence.   

Once date#1 and I sat down, he and I small talked about bikes and such and pretty soon, he was telling me about things that I was not particularly interested in on a first date.  Things like A.A, death and dying, addiction and family issues.  On a couple of occasions I had to simply state I wasn't comfortable talking about that yet.  I did not reveal anything too personal and kept my boundaries and still oddly enough the date was turning into a little bit of a therapy session (me being the therapist).  Now don't get me wrong.  There was nothing bad about where this conversation was going..its just that I am now living in the present.  I have many things to talk about that don't include my painful and dysfunctional past.  I'm not saying I will never talk about it, or that I think it doesn't influence the way I am now, but I want there to be more of a foundation of trust before I go exposing all my inner demons.  Actually part of the reason I think that I make exceptions for this in my writing is because, I am able to build up to and explain some of those less than perfect parts of me.  They are stated within context and are less likely to be misunderstood, or misread.  We left the restaurant  and I was still relatively indifferent about how I felt about him.  I was open to seeing what would unfolded so we went and had coffee.  At around 10:00 I stared to get weary eyed, I agreed to have him drive me home.  As we approached my building he whipped out a pack of gum....asking if I would like some.  I declined.  In my mind I had this visualization of him wearing one of those seventies jogging suits, a head band and doing calisthenics warming up for the big event.  I could tell I was beginning to make that face.  The one where I clench my teeth,  squint my eyes and brace myself for what is about to be a very awkward moment. He parked the car.  Here is how I wish the story ended.  I say “thank you I had a nice time” and swiftly step out of the car and make my way up to my apartment, feeling confident that it wasn't a match, but I had fun.  Unfortunately, that is not what happened, and I take full responsibly for the nauseating events that followed.  

Codependence is something that I struggle with in my romantic relationships.  Ever heard of the phrase “people-pleasing”?, well I have an issue with “man-pleasing”, and its not as fun as it sounds.  Somewhere along the line I developed difficulty setting boundaries when it comes to mens affections toward me.  I have come along way, and yet I still feel the need to coddle them if I reject their advances.  So here’s what really happened.  Car stops.  He asks if I had fun, I say, “yeah”.  He asks if I would like to go out again, I say “yeah probably”.  I sensed his disappointment, with my use of the word probably.  Mostly because he blurted out, “probably?!”  And there I was deer in the head lights, frozen to make any adult-like logical and sound response.  I froze.  Then I tried to explain, then I tried to defend that I had just met him.  Then probably confused by the fact that I was still in his car and not being tuned in too well to reality himself, he reached over to kiss me.  I was able to defend my position and say I’m not ready for that but then I still COULDN'T GET OUT OF THE CAR.  Not because I was being held hostage, but because I felt it was my responsibility to either wait there until I did feel like kissing him, (which would have meant we would die in that car) or I was at least supposed to somehow stroke his ego so that he wouldn't be hurt by my saying no, and not being especially thrilled about the prospect of a second date.  I was in a sheer fuge state clamoring for something to say.  So what I said made things worse.  “You see,” I said, “I used to be a lesbian....so I’m just new to this whole guy thing again” (ACK broke rule #2)  This seemed to agitate him even more and began pointing out how I had just dropped a huge verbal bomb on him.  My head was spinning. All I could see was the dashboard of the car wondering how the hell I would ever get my legs to move, when all of a sudden he got out of the car, which then made it possible for me to get out and we performed an obligatory hug, and I went up stairs wondering what the hell just happened.  Clearly if I was going to continue going out with strangers I would have to come up with some better exit strategies.    

going out with complete strangers

A creative and inspired friend of mine has decided that every week for the entire year of 2012 he will make a new dance inspired video and post it on youtube.  I was in awe of his passion and willingness to the call of creativity.  He said that he hoped to inspire others to follow their passion as well.  And so the idea of 52 weeks52dates was born.  I thought, what if I went on one blind date every week for all of 2012 and told the story weekly of how it goes in the form of a blog.  At first it seemed a daunting task, as I am already overcommitted,  but I  cant help but take advantage of such a pioneering experiment when it comes to my personal connectedness and relationship patterns.  At this time in my life I am on the brink of significant changes in the kind of relationships I want and want to attract.  So without further a-dew, let the writing begin.