I received an e-mail in my okcupid mailbox the other day that left me speechless. Although I have been remaining open hearted and following the path of date#16 like a lovesick puppy dog, I have reservations concerning his emotional availability. Not to mention his evil cell phone service. I even started wondering the other day if I could just put him on my cell phone plan for an extra $10 a month, and then I remembered that the only reparative action I am allowed to act on when it comes to him, is giving him a haircut. If it does not fall in the category of hair maintenance than any attempts to change him are off limits. This email I received was a beautifully written, he described some of his core beliefs and the way he lives his life. He mentioned acting into the way he wanted to be, acknowledging that there are no unneeded parts of a flower or a tree. “I've realized being whole is not about shifting our burdens, but letting them go.” I will refer to him as date#18. At first I was blown away. His writing style was amazing and the content sounded like it came straight out of my head on one of my most spiritual days, except better. I sat there staring at my screen slightly in shock. I haven't really been putting a lot of effort into going out on dates with new from okcupid since meeting date#16, mostly because I already have a surplus of material. With the exception of going to play tennis with an anarchist Buddhist guy last week. I guess writing about that excursion just kinda fell to the wayside. I wasn’t sure what to make of the email. I mean I couldn’t help but notice that a man who could write such an opener, had to be pretty conscious, which is one of my most valued attributes. So my response was short but sweet.
Me: wow that was quite impressive. I’m almost speechless. hmmm. 555-1212. call me sometime.
I called Lylah and read her the email. She was pretty impressed too. He hadn’t called yet, but we both decided that he was worth looking into.
Date#18 and I talked on the phone while Lucy and I were cleaning her room. Ok, I was cleaning her room. I didn’t hide the fact that she was yelling mommy intermittently. I also didn’t hide my writing project. He asked me if I had met anyone I was attracted to since starting 52weeks52dates. I said yes, two. One I was currently seeing. But I explained that we were not committed or exclusively dating. He asked if we were to meet if he would be included in the writing? I laughed and said I couldn’t guarantee he wouldn't be. Anyone I go out with this year would be subject to scrutiny. Then he asked if I would like to meet, to see if there was any attraction there. I said that was a possibility, then corrected myself and said it was more than a possibility, it was a yes. He was going out of town the following day, so if we were going to meet before he left it would have to be in the morning. I asked him if he’d be willing to meet me in Scotts Valley at Starbucks before I started work. He said yes. Then I realized, I would be meeting up with date#16 later that night too. Two encounters in one day?
“That would be intense”, I said out loud, while laughing. My brain started to blur and began to feel like I was in over my head. I didn’t hide my combination of excitement and awe at how it felt things were unfolding. I was beginning to feel like the story was writing me. I started laughing nervously, as I do when I am overwhelmed by the seemingly calculated moments that reveal themselves to me almost as a bit of fore shadowing. He asked me more about what I was experiencing. I told him that I was experiencing the sensations I have felt momentous events occur in my life in the past. Like when I got married in Vegas, when I stopped drinking and when I met Lucy’s dad. I told him all of this. I also told him that he seemed pretty emotionally available. I asked him to correct me if I was wrong. He said, that he didn’t have any dramatic relationships in his life. Had he found my writing? I laughed and said that was the main issue with the guy I was seeing, that he had lots of dramatic relationships, I did not, and it was kind of a problem. I didn’t even have a dramatic relationship with date#16. I admitted that meeting him and then seeing date#16 in one day was going to make it impossible for me to be in denial about some of the glaring issues with date#16 that I have been trying not to focus on because I have been learning other things. Date#18, knew what I meant and he was impressed that I could see and admit it. My head was spinning just a little. I just had this feeling that some kind of shift or something different was about to happen. I had no idea what but I could tell the universe was guiding me on this one. When we said goodbye, I was sitting on Lucy’s bed feeling as if my words were not quite making sense anymore and felt a little funny, like the excited funny.
I immediately called Lylah and told her what happened.
She said “wow.”
I said “yeah”,
she said “yeah”,
I said,” yeah”,
she said “yeah”.
Date#18 and I were both in the unknown, and we knew it. Lylah told me to give her an update right after I met him. I said ok.
I began to mentally masturbate on what was going on. I was starting to get nervous, my instincts were telling me not look too good for my coffee date with date#18. I didn’t want him to be attracted to me. Actually I was scared that I would like and be attracted to him. I realize date#16 has some obvious differences from me that raise concerns, but I still really like him. But considering my history I have to wonder if it isn’t just the fact that he is unavailable that makes him so very irresistible to me. I also wondered if I was afraid of choosing to invest time in date#18 simply because he looked better on paper. I really like date#16 a lot and I don’t have a desire to cut it off with him. I had to live within the mystery of meeting someone new and predicting what would happen with date#18 was fruitless. I know I don’t have to give up date#16 if I don’t want to, although I am terrified that he is going to tell me he is back together with his ex tonight. It’s been a week since we have seen each other and I’m sure they have been spending a lot of time together. He’s going to bring over the painting we started on our first date and we are going to finish it. I cant’t help but see the symbolism there if that is indeed the news he is breaking tonight.
The morning of my date with date#18 was placing my emotions in the unknown and it was beginning to feel good. I was wading through the spot of mystery and knew I would find out where things were meant to go with him soon enough. I felt a shift. I became excited about not knowing how this was all going to unfold, but it was most certainly unfolding as it should.
I walked into Starbucks got a cup of coffee and took a seat, a few minutes later he walked in. Nothing, I felt nothing. I waved at him and he came over and he gave me a hug, one of those hugs where his back was arched and he kinda put his shoulder into it. When we let go it almost felt like repelling magnets. He got inline to go get coffee. I took out my cell, and texted Lylah, I told her he was here but didn’t get a good of at look at him, and now he was in line and I didn’t have my glasses on. She texted me back “put your glasses on”.
When he came back, I noticed he was wearing those water type shoes, that have the toes all separated. That could have been enough right there to know that he was not gonna do it for me. But I needed a few more minutes to gauge what was going on. His disposition was weird. I had assumed that since his email was so kind that he would exude that quality, but I didn't feel that coming through. What I felt was him trying to size me up. We talked about my writing. He told me about growing up in Hawaii and frequenting a certain beach path on Maui. All the tourist girls would hang out there and he and his friends would go try to pick up on them. He said that the great thing about that experience was that it got him used to rejection. Then he moved on to something else. I said wait you never finished that thought, what was so great about getting used to rejection? He said, “Out of the 20 times I asked I at least got one yes.......for that night”, I laughed. “For that night” , Those three little words changed the meaning of that sentence entirely. I started talking about how tenses and vocabulary can change the meaning of what is being said, and he looked at me lost and averted his eyes.
“Isn’t that so incredible” I said with enthusiasm.
He didn’t get it. I knew date#16 would have.
He said, if he could offer one piece of advice it was to not hold back the things that bothered me when in relationship. I agreed. I don’t mean to say that I should be trying to change and dictate anyones paths or behavior, but when something hurts my feelings I need to be able to communicate it. At this point I think it is important to communicate most everything as long as I am coming from a place of loving kindness, which means I am not being manipulative or just shifting my burden from myself to anyone else. He said he knew he had to walk away from his last three girlfriends because he knew they just weren't his future. He said he knew that there were certain things about their personalities that just weren't him. As I heard him describe what he meant, I started checking in with how I felt about date#16 and our compatibility. I think thats what date #18 was talking about compatibility. I was feeling it in my guts, I knew from the bottom of my heart that date#16 is me, we get each other and we make sense.
That night date#16 came over and he pointed out he was one minute early. I was prepared for him to be at least a half hour late, I gave him a big hug and a short kiss. We talked about his work and eventually I made dinner, a salad with strawberries and balsamic. We watched copious amounts of surf videos, and then eventually we kissed. The passion was ignited. We kissed and I felt drawn to be close to him, it filled my whole body, my back softens and I energetically nuzzle him, pressing my face close into his. But we had stuff to do. We needed to paint. I eventually pulled away and started setting up the paining supplies. And eventually She entered the conversation. We talked for a half hour at least about what was happening for him in relation to his relationship to Her. At first it was difficult for him to talk about his feelings. He told me that he was hoping that she wouldn’t come up. To be honest I wasn't sure if I really wanted to talk about her either but, I realized that I wasn't fooling myself into thinking I was going to get what I wanted, or get my needs met by involving myself in a half truth relationship with him. So I settled deeply into my care for him and his essence and prepared myself for the truth. I set my selfish motives on the shelf and picked up my paintbrush. He hesitated, he paused, I kept my mouth shut. I asked him what was really going on for him. I dropped down into my heart and I really wanted to know. I softened my gaze and I really listened. I didn’t interrupt, I didn’t judge and I didn’t take the bait when he tried to turn the focus onto what I felt. I told him to keep talking. I was listening. I could tell he wasn’t used to speaking his mind when it came to his less than comfortable emotions. I was up for the challenge too. I was ready to take what he said and really hear him. In the end it boiled down to the fact that he had to try to make it work with her, other wise he wouldn’t be being true to himself and he needed to be sure. I understood. I also knew that if I really wanted a real relationship with him, he would have to settle this conflict himself. Eventually he said, “I know I just need to make a decision”. I told him I didn’t think that was the case. I felt that everything would just work itself out and eventually it would get really obvious what felt right for him. I admitted I didn’t see it working out with her and that I was willing to stay to see what would happen if I just remained open and available. I avoided using the word wait because I felt that waiting conotated putting other things on hold. That is not the case. I will still be living my life business as usual and dating others if I feel like it. But my relationship with him won’t change anything about how I would normally be living. I was sitting on his lap by this point in the conversation and we both decided that it was a freebie night since boundaries were not clear yet as to where he actually was with his ex. Apparently she had decided that they would not be having sex unless they got married and he was allowed to sleep with anyone he wanted. Once again I furrowed. What the fuck? What the hell does that even mean? I wasn't sure I was on board with that arrangement as it seemed a little ridiculous. So I just noticed that was where she was coming from and I felt it spoke to her level of maturity. The closeness we felt as a result of that conversation overflowed into a physical manifestation. It was light, fun and loosely organized.
I swear I keep getting wafts of his scent even though I took as shower. This morning was pure heaven. Lucy came in to my room, came up to his side of the bed and smiled at him. I told her to come up and lay next to me. She snuggled me, I snuggled him, three human spoons cozied beneath my white cotton down comforter and grey fleece blanket. She was stroking my back and I had my nose pressed into his shoulder. I have never experienced that before. It’s interesting how the dynamic of the bed changes when she is in it. It feels strong. It felt like I was finally able to give her what she needed. Which turned out was also exactly what I needed. It was a feeling of wholeness and gratitude. It’s one of those moments where I realized in hindsight, having a supportive and healthy relationship is not a myth. Then I realized the implications of our conversation from the night before. I was laying next to the man who held my world and I had agreed to him trying to make it work with someone else, even saying was a good idea. What the fuck was I thinking? I don’t think I had even had coffee yet, I had to day something. “
“Are you awake enough for me to talk?” I asked
“Yes” he replied
“I’m starting to feel a little nervous about what is going to happen after you leave here”,
“How can I help you with that?” he said.
“I don’t know”, and I didn’t
“What if we make plans to hang out before I leave?” he said
“And I won’t worry between now and then, okay thats a good idea, that will help” I felt relieved.
He initiated making plans for Tuesday.
Our culture has perverted relationships to a point where nothing good can be seen. It reminds me a lot of what our culture has done to food. Genetically modified it, covered it in pesticides, added artificial ingredients and preservatives, and have stripped the natural and purity right out of it. So much so that when we are presented with the real thing, it feels so amazing and good. Yet culturally people don’t even recognize this pureness as something of value or necessary.
We have begun to treat relationships as a transaction, as the new commodity of capitalism. Generally in this culture, the dating/mating game is more of a shopping trip, and with online dating, okcupid has become the Amazon.com of relationships. I hate to say this but it’s relationship refurbishing and resale. We are out there online looking for the better, newer, a more improved version of the latest model, paying attention to facts and figures. We look at the numbers and the stats of a human being. We are not vulnerable in this process. We are detached. We are looking to acquire an item, and one that ships quickly satisfies every customer. Standard shipping can be as little as couple of days, and poof there you are in another “relationship”. Why don’t relationships last anymore, the way they did in the fifties? It’s not because people were in better relationships back then, it’s because cultural norms disapproved of single women, single moms and the status quo was to have everything look good on the outside. Our society was not any happier back then, as a whole. That is not the reason that people stuck together. Now the afore mentioned social norms have become more flexible and having children later in life is more acceptable, as is having children out of wedlock. The dating process, has gone from courting and dating to the t.v shows like The Bachelorette. We eat it up and in turn this television culture is poisoning our relationships. What is being modeled on tv is the epitome of unhealthy relationships. It takes time to get to know someone, it takes time to develop trust and it also takes time and guts, and personal accountability to be able to set boundaries, communicate feelings, needs and learn to understand each other. Conflict is based in a lack of understanding. Our culture believes in happily ever after, and to a certain existent I do too, but it would look totally different. Mainstream happily ever after has no conflict, perfectionism in all aspects of the relationship including sex life, finances and how the children are raised. So here is my proposal. What if we looked at healthy relationships in terms of what was happening on the inside instead of what was happening on the outside? Think about that for a second. What if relationships were about relating and not about appearances? What if relationships were not about houses, clean or dirty? Clean well dressed children or children going to the park in their pajamas? Dishes done, dishes not done? Employed husbands, unemployed husbands? Money in the bank, no money in the bank? Retirement funds, 401K’ or lack there of? What if the desirability of a relationship was about the degree of communication and vulnerability when it comes to all of theses issues that effect every marriage/relationship in our culture. What if our relationships had an open door policy and any topic could be discussed?
Then there is the issue of divorce, these days divorce is just another break up. There is often no titrating out of relationships. I wonder if there is such a thing as exit counseling. If it were up to me I would require evey person going through a divorce or breakup to participate in exit counseling. Get acquainted with what your issues are. If the compatibility isn't there then learn from it and move on. But if it has a fighting chance at happiness then breaking up is not the answer. I promise the next relationship will bear a striking resemblance. I think the main issue is that we have no training in how to get involved with someone we are compatible with in the first place. As a result of the shopping list analogy, we are ill equipped to know exactly what we are looking for or what we really want. Determining compatibility takes time and as mentioned earlier when acquisition is the goal, who has time for that?
It’s morning. I’ll see him date#16 again in two days. Last night went to Lylah’s birthday party. There were at least four couples there who were seemingly happily together. I missed him. I wished he could have been there. There were tons of kids and Lylah’s friends were so cool. I remembered her party last year. It was the first time Lucy had ever played with other kids while I was at a party in community. A few of the same people were at her party this year, and some new people as well. It felt so good to know that we had made it through the year.
She has a friend, Jane who is in the process of trying to adopt her 3 month old foster baby. She got a call, saying that there was a baby for her and her husband, if they wanted him. She went down to the hospital imediately. He was born six weeks early and his addicted birth mother was high when she came into give birth. The hospital staff could not allow his birth mother to take him home with her without seeing a social worker first. She left and never came back. Four days later Jane was standing there next to his bassinet in the NICU, knowing that he would be her baby. When she picked him up, she knew. She felt instant connection, he was hers. The baby’s birth mother and family have four months to take action to get him back. And there were already times were she had to physically hand him over to the his birth mother. She said her jealousy and fear arose like she had never felt before. Jane felt he was her baby regardless of where they were in the adoption process. I was so moved by her story. I mentioned how I understood how scary it can be to give your heart and love, when the stability and security aren’t there, not knowing what will happen. She is brave enough to love within the mystery. She has to trust that the universe is not just tempting her with goodness. I recently read something about finding it hard to believe that all of the good things on earth were simply placed in our path so that we could resist them. I say viva la vulnerability and in giving myself completely to someone, I am giving my heart away. I must let go of my heart and watch it float down the river, not knowing what will happen. I used to be so scared, that I would get hurt. I can’t even tell you how many times I have told my love stories and have been met with “I just don't want you to get hurt and be disappointed”. I find it curious that against a background of death, this is what most people are so afraid of. It might be true, that with the multiple rejections I have learned how to not to be afraid of it. Yesterday at that party, I had no need to prove myself, I felt no shame or need for people to like me, I knew they either would or they wouldn’t.
I spent some time talking to Lylah’s cousin, a local mural artist who is sweet as pie. We talked about the alternatives to fake surface oriented relationships an how deeper intimacy can be achieved. He lives downtown too, so I gave him a ride home. Before he got out of the car he said that he really liked talking to me and said we should hang out more often and that he enjoyed playing with Lucy too. This interaction was so different from the kind I was having not even two years ago, when I was told that no one wanted to hang out with me because of the position I had put myself in, choosing to be with my daughter’s dad and have a baby. I had so much shame brought on by that interaction with that particular person who initiated telling me what my peers at that time thought of me. And it wasn’t fucking true. My loneliness was not because I was paying penance for my bad decision. I had not yet learned how to let my vulnerability find my relationships for me. I was hanging around people who mirrored my family of origin. I was lonely and needed love desperately. I was trying to get it from people who could not give, because I didn’t know, loving is always something that is given freely and not a transaction for good behavior.
When I got home from Lylah’s party, I carried lucy, who was passed out up to her bed and began working on a painting I started a couple of nights ago when date#16 came over, since he didn’t bring over the painting we had started on our first date. This paining sprouted from the depths of my unconscious. A pear in the top left middle of the canvas. Next, a hand holding it from below. Most of what is seen is part of the shoulder and one quarter of the face. Above that figure’s head is another floating figure in jumping jack position, much smaller in scale his hand is outstretched holding an apple. In the lower left corner is a female figure hand outstretched holding nothing. After painting it I realized that it was indeed a manifestation of me, date#16 and his ex-girlfriend.
First of all let me just say that I am grimacing as I am writing this because to be honest
I’d rather not. I would rather write anything other that the fact that I met her today, with him. Ugg This is fucking awful. I don't know what is going to come of this, but I sure hope its something good cause I’m fucking feeling very small right now. Once again, I’m not totally sure what happened.
All I remember is saying is“It’s him”.
My friend Elijah saying “What?”
“It’s him” I said.
I waved. He waved back. They came up and he introduced her to me. I said hi, with my mouth half in the shape of a smile and half agape. Then I just stood there and stared in silence. looking at her, then looking at him. I had my sunglasses on thank god. In the past our meeting would have involved me being overly friendly and making unreasonably cheery small talk with someone I clearly had issues with. But today when he walked up with her, I didn’t fake it. I was was in shock. We were standing outside of the video store and Lucy was inside trying to pick a video that we were not going to rent while the introductions were taking place.
Lucy and I went into the ocean the other day, I was holding her and we stopped when the water got to be about about waist high. The waves were small and we were jumping over them. Then all of a sudden a big wave came and I realized the best thing for us to do was to dive underneath it. Unfortunately I didn’t think about the fact that she hates going underwater or that diving under a big wave holding a four year old might not have the same outcome as diving under a wave by myself. I told her “here we go”, and tried to jump under the wave, I got swept off my feet and got tossed underneath the water, and held on to her tight. We both swirled aimlessly under the slurry of white water and sand. Eventually I found the ground and I stood up. I knew we were going to be fine but she didn’t, she was really scared. I tried to reassure her by saying that we made it and sometimes that’s what you have to do in the ocean. Dive in head first, get tossed around and just know that you will make it out alive. Those moments underwater must have seemed like an eternity to her. Just like those moments standing outside of the video store opposite date#16 and his ex-girlfriend/girlfriend? felt like they were going in slow motion and lasted an eternity to me. I swear in hindsight I heard water gurgling using past my face as I stood out there on the sidewalk. I think date#16 lead her into the video store. I stood there paralyzed while Elijah coached me to get Lucy out of the store. I went in and date#16 came over and gave me a hug. I looked down and noticed that Lucy was standing in a huge puddle of smoothie, the bottle and rest of it were no where to be found. The guy working at the video store asked me if I had any paper towels and I ran out to the stroller to catch my breath, fully knowing that I didn't have any. I could barely see straight, I was on the verge of tears. I went back in and Lucy was setting off the security alarm, video in her hand trying to get back outside. It was quite the speckle I’m sure. The guy was wiping up the spill and as date#16 left, he said “See ya Tuesday”. I was like yeah. I’m also pretty sure they did not rent a movie either. Hmmm. Elijah says you can’t prepare for moments like that. I agreed.
I am terrified that I am wrong. I am terrified that I am going to lose to him, lose him to her. But if I really want to know, I must stay. I just get to sit and see how it will unfold. Am I that big of a person? I don’t know. I am praying. Praying that he will want me too. I don’t even want to keep my eyes open, my heart is heavy. I want him to be mine, all mine. I just want to love him so bad it scares me. I wanted a love that was real. I wanted a love that was romantic, that was sent from the heavens, something scary. Something that wasn’t so safe because I wanted to feel passion. Any other kind of love isn’t worth the risk. It’s not worth the commitment. This entanglement might be scary but it makes me feel alive. It hurts, I’m vulnerable but I know when I see his face it will all be worth it. I feel sick, in my stomach, my head hurts I feel like I’m on the verge of tears. I’m scared. But then there is another part of me that is crazy fearless as well. The irony being of course that my fearlessness scares me. It 2:00 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I have no idea what is going to happen on Tuesday. I am trying to decipher his email and read into what is coming my way.
When I got home I had an email from him stating that he guessed that our meeting was awkward and that he wanted to let me know that I didn’t need to stress about it. What the hell does that mean?, I thought. Does that mean don’t worry, I’m his, or don’t worry about it, cause he wouldn't. He did make reference to how perfect Lucy walking in her spilt juice was going to be for when they turn this story into a movie. I wondered, since he thought it would be made into a movie, was he also suggesting there was a happy ending in the works? Elijah and I went over the scene all the way down pacific. He reassured me that date#16 was into me and that he seemed very disconnected from her. He also pointed out that he touched me and not her. This is exactly the kind of shit I don't want to be participating in but if I want to ride this out it looks like I’m going to have to. The call to run is starting to whisper into my ear again.
This is romance. Romance is dangerous, it is messy and cannot be forced to fit and be kept in a perfect little, square box with a ribbon bow on top. Romance and love are not the same. I am talking about romance, a deep mystical intense form of emotion. It makes me feel gooey and mushy. Like cracking open an egg and not just any egg. A very special egg laid by a very special chicken whom I have raised since she was a baby chick. Everything is pure, everything is exciting and new. A new life and a new sweetness. The clear slippery substance makes me feel like a fool, but the yolk suspended and intact reminds me of the the alternate meaning of yoke, mystic union. Romance is the sweetness of spring, the smell of newly sprouted grass. The dance of letting go on the inside. I’m falling, succumbing to sweet, sensual passion and satiating desire. I envision pastel colors like an instagram photo, that gives a feeling of nostalgia, the kind that happens between two adults that have known each other since they were babies. There is a curiosity that blossoms into gentle love. A love that is unconditional, innocent and enduring. A kind fragile emotion that is soft and squishy. I don't need that hard outer shell to keep me safe, I know he would never hurt me on purpose and that is why I can trust him. I also want to protect him. There is a loyalty there that I have not felt before.
We are holding hands, walking side by side through a field of tall grass and yellow wild flowers. The air is warm, a slight breeze is blowing our hair. My skirt and his shirt ripple to one side and dance in the wind. This place is miles aways from anything, it is very hard to find. We look up to the sky, it is powder blue with the faintest wisps of white, fluffy vapor clouds. We are walking with purpose but I have no idea where we are going. His masculine strength flows down through his legs into the earth with every footstep. His feet walk in a rhythm. He is connected to everything. I can’t help but notice and feel his power, he smiles at me like he knows where we are going. He is a beautiful man. Sometimes he is shy and he wants me to take the lead, he hesitates, but underneath he embodies smoldering embers and the current of the ocean. I see it even when he can’t. We came here to honor life. We wanted to become conscious of where we are and where we are going. We keep walking, the grass is waving, tickling the backs of our arms, he stops. We pause and look into each others eyes. He takes notice of the way the colors are arranged in mine. I just want to be sure. I want to know. He says when we get where we are going he’ll have the answer. We keep walking. He holds my hand as I jump over some rocks that have been laid down in a pile. He gives me that look again. We keep walking. We don’t talk for a while. We are completely in our bodies and it seems as though our elbows are having a conversation. He doesn’t pull too far ahead of me and I don’t fall too far behind. We are magnetic. We love to be near each other. I know we will walk until we get there, wherever there is. We have been walking for hours. We are beginning to get sleepy. He finds a spot for us to lay down. As long as I am with him I can sleep anywhere, I know he has my back. We sleep for days. Neither one of us wants to admit that we might not know where we are going. The destination begins to drift, we have lost our way. Neither one of us has a plan, but we realize we have each other. We are on a journey, with no end. We keep on walking and find that no matter where we go, there we are, together. We climb mountains, cross rivers, swim in lakes, and follow streams back to the ocean. We found it, the ocean. We are home.
The ocean is what he knows, he is familiar with navigating the waves in the sea. He thinks he falls short when it comes to decision making and he feels wishy washy because he doesn't always know what to do. But when he is in the wide, open, Pacific Ocean he always knows. He knows when there are waves, even from the trees, like a sixth sense. Just knowing there are waves puts him in a good mood. He knows how to find that sweet spot where the wave magically forms and gains momentum, as if it was created just for him. Effortlessly he can be one with the ocean, they are not separate entities. If no where else, he has grown up here in the deep blue. He feels free in the water, when the land is off in the distance. He floats in the crisp, salty, water, beneath the shadows of the cliffs and he notices the land above him. It holds everything static and rushed with an amazing amount of stability. He talks to the earth as well. He feels most at ease in the fluid, blue-green, and white water. He appreciates the animals. His eyes pray for schools of dolphins to swim past. He loves watching them round half circles over and under the surface. He has seen sprays from a whale as as the sun went down, and silence fell upon him and the crowd cleared as dusk approached.
He is a simple kind of man. He appreciates beauty, listens closely and he takes his time. He lets his troubles come and knows they will pass. “He doesn't lust for rich mans gold he knows everything he has is in his soul”. He has passion. If he is not meant to be near to me forever, then nothing is right in this world. If I can’t see him for the rest of my life then this must all just be a dream. If I could only be so lucky to have him feel the same way. He is an acoustic guitar, a sweet melody, the roar of the ocean, the sound of a pencil solving a math problem. He is one sentence that says it all. He draws the love out of me. He inspires me. He makes me want to lay down, slow down, enjoy the present and be grateful for today. Is he looking for me in her eyes? Only time will tell.
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