I woke up this morning wishing I had woken up next to “him”. I’m not sure if “him” was date#7, a past lover, or a man I have never met. But as I rolled over beneath my sheets, I figuratively reached toward the empty space where “he” will someday be.
Date#7 is 27 years old. This is the first time in my life, I have even considered dating guys younger than me. I couldn't help but think about the age difference. I referred to myself as old numerous times. My hope is that what they lack in life experience, will be counterbalanced by a less jaded, more easy going outlook on life. We met at Lulus for “a drink”. He had tea, I had a cappuccino. I got the general impression from our email exchanges, that he was a laid back, relaxed kinda guy, he was. He seemed introverted, but I liked that he had a calm contemplative demeanor. He slightly resembled Prince William....he really did. He walked up to where I was sitting, in front of the coffee shop and I felt a rush of relief and excitement. I love that moment when I meet a date in person for the first time. He and I began with some small talk, and I learned that he is from the east coast, graduated with a degree in economics and has lived in Santa Cruz for about 2 years. He does really interesting work as a investigator for the public defenders office. He is passionate about his job and feels grateful for his position and a comfortable work environment. He conducts interviews and writes reports concerning evidence related to the people being represented. My first impression of him was that he had a great capacity for understanding people. He was sweet, yet very masculine in his posture. His gaze was slightly seductive. We started walking down Pacific Ave and I asked if he was hungry. He said just a little, but I was starving. So we agreed on sushi. It wan’t until after we sat down and started browsing the menu, that he reminded me he’s vegetarian. He has never eaten meat except for fish twice, which were both accidents. I felt a little sheepish for suggesting sushi, but I ate veggie sushi all throughout my pregnancy. Some of it is pretty good. There were some moments during dinner where the conversation waned. Leave it to me to bring up esoteric ideas on religion, math and spirituality to liven the conversation. He was well educated and we conversed a little about metaphysics. His mom is a 7th day Adventist, but he identifies as agnostic. After dinner he asked what we should do. I suggested going to play pool. He high-fived me and then said he doesn't high five often, only for really deserving occasions. We walked in and the bouncer sitting at the top of the stairs asked for our ID’s. I looked at him slightly flattered and said “really? You want to ID me?” He looked me over and was like, yeah. I gave him my ID and he said, “oh I was totally off”. Awesome. Date#7 basically kicked my ass at pool. I did win the first round though because he sank the 8 ball breaking. I warmed up the by the last game and redeemed myself a little. We agreed to play our final game and he exclaimed “winner takes all”. I won again because he scratched shooting the 8 ball. I told him it was only fair to give him half the wins. He said that was compassionate of me. I of course, was flattered. I found it very attractive that he could handle the table. He definitely played with a gentle sense of authority. I imagine he would be that way in bed. I have to admit I’m tempted to find out. We had fun we were goofy, silly and it was a lot of fun. There was a lot of witty energy. I made him laugh.
Here is an interesting observation: The more dates I go on, the more I can compare the different feelings I have around each of them. I’m finding that my criteria for how well a date goes is not only about who they present themselves to be, but also about how I feel in their presence. Its a very reality based gauge of liking. When I was on date#7 I felt, relaxed, heard, appreciated and sexy. I imagine if we go out again those feelings might intensify. Once again I have to consider the focus of my project. Is it about quantity or quality? I think in order to really have an appreciation for quality, I have to have a certain quantity of variables to compare. What I am getting at is; the qualities I am looking for are not only possessed by them (i.e. job, education,personality), but also the feelings I have inspired by them. Here are some questions I have concerning emotions generated by a man I would like to pursue a relationship with....
Do I feel at ease and relaxed? Do they laugh at my jokes? Can we communicate our ideas concerning intellectual matters that are important to me? When I reveal my true feelings are they handled with care or are they deflected? Do they regard me with respect and compassion or am I disposable to them? As I become more comfortable and open, do they as well? or do they begin to withdraw?
In the past, no matter how I answered theses questions, I could still find a reason to stay involved with someone who didn’t respect or care for me, and treated me like I was disposable.
Disposable. The definition of disposable is; intended to be used once and then thrown away. I want to examine this concept in terms of others treating me as disposable, and me treating others as disposable. I will start by saying I have spent a lifetime treating others as disposable objects. I have been afraid to be selfless. I have had a hard time functioning in the world without desperately seeking approval and someone to inflate my ego. I have not been very good historically at giving to others, emotionally or otherwise.
I spent my most of my adult life in a self-help group chalk full of self-centered, surface oriented, unhealthy persons with very little skill in personal connection. I was told that if I just reached out and asked for help, that I would receive it. I was told that this group was the best network of camaraderie in existence and how lucky we were to be supported by each other in light of our troubled past and previous, lonely and empty lives. Yet, I always felt disconnected. I would have glimpses of connection but they were fleeting. Often those moments of closeness themselves were disposable. I would feel a bond with someone once, but then found it difficult to maintain or have it repeated. These issues manifested in circumstances ranging from waiting for unreturned phone calls, not being invited to an event, hosting events where no one showed up, to being told by a fellow member how others within the group hurtfully judged me.
For many years I vacillated between extreme blame of myself and extreme blame of others for my inadequate skills concerning intimacy. However, one party is never fully at fault. I had a hard time reaching out, preemptively expecting rejection. I now practice reaching out despite the fear I have of rejection, and if rejection comes I let it go. I have the sense to move onto another potential connection. The connections I have with people close to me, themselves ebb and flow. There is not one person in my life that I say is 100% available for me all of the time. And that’s where my selflessness must play a part in relationships. It is not my friend’s responsibility to be my emotional crutch, but rather another individual to exchange ideas and foster intimacy with on a case by case basis. It takes some emotional strength and maturity on my part not to instantly write off people who don’t call me back right away. But over time there becomes a pattern. They are there for me, and I am there for them. As I mentioned last week, I must be vulnerable to hold the space of friendship in times of imbalance and unavailability. It is not black and white.
Generally speaking unhealthy relationships are unfulfiling. These days I can detect when the imbalance is too great. I no longer have to make hard and fast rules about staying out of those kinds of relationships, as they will extinguish on their own. The feeling is liberating. Will I go out with date#7 again? Yes. Will I begin to stager dates as needed, to allow for a possible building of a relationship? Yes. If this project is about intimacy and getting to know people, I can not treat them as disposable. This project is about internal searching and seeking out the the personal challenges that stand in the way of my giving and receiving love. As the project reveals such obstacles to me, I will follow the path where it leads.
“You don't get to cut that chain of evidence and start over. You're always going to be pursued by your data shadow, which is forming from thousands and thousands of little leaks and tributaries of information.”
I have the power to choose where and with whom I spend my time. As date#7 pointed out about me, I live my life by my own rules. This is what I’m made of.
Sounds like a fun date and great food for thought, too :) Thank you!
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