what kind of love do you want from a man?

He was better looking than 98% of the guys I’ve seen on OKCupid, so I clicked on his picture and perused his profile. Under the “Things I’m Doing With My Life” category, he listed “fucking”.  Since I’m not in the market to fuck for sport, I moved on.  That would have been the end of it, except OKCupid allows it’s members to see each person who has visited their profile. So when he was notified of my visit, he messaged me saying he was happy to see that I was checking him out, and invited me to engage in an online conversation. 

“I only want to fuck guys who want to be fucking only me”, I replied. Now granted the verbiage was a little intense and perhaps a little presumptuous, however I wanted to be clear that I wasn’t into polyamory. He asked me, “Why? Does it feel different?”  I was stumped.  Did it feel different?  How was I sure that I had ever slept with a guy who wanted to be fucking only me? And If I was really being honest with myself, was my statement even true? What is the difference?  So I told him that was a good question and I’d have to get back to him on that.  

The further I get into this project the clearer it gets, that monogamy is a result of love, trust, liking, passion, attraction and friendship not the birthplace of it.  So to answer part of that question, no I do not want to be monogamous (at least not yet).  I don’t care to be in a committed monogamous relationship until I have some return on the aforementioned qualities. 

I am reading a 500 page book entitled “SEX” by Joann Ellison Rodgers.  I stumbled upon it the other day at the library.  It is a fascinating expose, a journey through sexuality.  It touches upon everything and anything researched concerning the subject.  I am starting to learn about sex in terms of a biological function.  I am getting some insight from this book, as well as from other sources, as to why men behave the way they do.  A large portion of human behavior begins in the brain, which has been evolving for over millions of years.  The evolution of the male brain is responsible for producing male specific behaviors and directly influencing their physiology as well.  I was astonished to learn that men will  produce approximately two trillion sperm in their lifetime.  Where as women will produce a grand total of 500 eggs during her 40 year reproductive life span! (Counterbalance: gendered perspectives for writing and language By Carolyn Logan) Millions of years ago when the desired goal was merely to reproduce, and there was less emphasis on the dilemmas of modern day parenting,  (such as will mom be able to stay home?, the cost of childcare and overpopulation) men were simply carrying out their biological imperative to procreate for survival of the species.  This was before science could predict ovulation, or perhaps before any human animal was even aware of exactly how sexual reproduction worked. This obvious imbalance in the number of “materials” required for reproduction lead to a simple solution for maximizing probability of success.  Men had to mate in high volume with women and consider the fierce competition of other males for the female egg.  And how would all of this be possible? A high sex drive.  On the contrary, it is the woman  who does most of the work in the reproductive cycle.   She is the host.  I jokingly named myself “hostess-with-the-mostess” while I was pregnant.  My body was working 24 hours a day, for approximately 38 grueling weeks straight, to provide a comfortable and productive living room for my baby girl, who following her birth would still be completely helpless for many, many years to come.  That by nature puts females out of prime sexual commission for a while.  If the female sex drive was equally as aggressive as our male counterparts, who would care for the children?  This is exactly the kind of scrutiny women like the octomom and Michelle Dugger are under.  If you are a constant baby making machine who the hell is going to do the even more challenging work of parenting, and actually raise these life sucking, sleep depriving, little darlings?  Meanwhile, figuratively the male is on his merry way just following natures orders.  That being said, this is what females are up against when it comes to the biology of the male brain as it relates to, well...their other male brains.  This information is helping me to demystify men and cease seeing them as predators.  Now I see them more as Neanderthals.  At least its a step in the right direction.  As it turns out all this thinking has led me to confront some of my sex issues as well as my behavior and relationship patterns.  

So after some long and wordy emails with date#4, trying to back pedal a little bit from my overly sexualized comment, I said I’d be willing to meet with him (in a public place).  He participates in a group forum that focusses on openness and communication, affiliated with a Sangha Buddhist community and I was intrigued.  Not only do I love mental foreplay but I am also deeply interested in the concept of human connectedness.  So I put him on the back burner to meet up with later, as we had conflicting schedules and I had been a bit busy. 

Two days ago he sent me a message saying he would like to take me out to lunch and I said that would be fine.  We met on my lunch hour and I was flattered that he drove all the way from the westside to meet me in Scotts Valley, especially on his birthday.  He sat down across the table and stared at me so intensely that I had to look away. He must have been doing some mental voodoo on me, or at least that’s what it felt like at the time. Until I discovered this in one of my research books.  As it turns out sex scientists have learned “that if you stare intensely into the eyes of an attractive girl you have just met, she’ll likely avert her gaze because it’s physically uncomfortable to do other wise; they have also learned that if you become her lover, she’ll stare back.” (SEX, xix)  Anyway we chatted at lunch and I showed him the books I was reading.  I told him about the blog mostly because I knew he would be interested and non-judgmental.  I felt a sort of comfortableness with him.  As I continue to go out on dates with strangers I am noticing a pattern. I feel continually more comfortable with observing them.  I more easily acknowledge the person they present at our first encounter (let alone the next few dates) is not the whole picture of who they are. I have to pay attention.  I liked his energy even though it was pretty intense.  I said I would like to see him again, and he said the same, and I dashed back to work.  I realized I was attracted to him.  Yes sexually.  He had a great body, he was a great height, and he was complexly alluring.  I began to wonder if my body was reacting more biologically and less emotionally.  In other words, he seemed like the kind of guy that casual sex would be fun with.   It got my wheels turning.  Is it appropriate to have sex for fun?  Outside of a possible committed relationship?  And what about when you are pretty certain it will not lead to a committed relationship? We try so hard to predict and avoid heartbreak but is the goal of life and romance 1+1=2? Or as the sex scientist’s might say 1+1=3? 

(mom+dad= mom,dad,baby?) Does the ultimate goal always have to be, becoming paired and creating families happily ever after?  I think the truth is,  this linear equation is possible for some, but perhaps not for everyone. The time frame in which this fairytale ending happens is part of why women are labeled as obsessive about love and romance.  They call them biological clocks for a reason. When it comes to child bearing, it is clear that women are especially vulnerable once engaged in the mating game.  She wants to be sure her mate will not abandon her and leave her with full responsibility.  So the dream of the man who will standby his mate’s side is not only emotional, but practical as well.  However we all know that is not where the path leads a vast number of women and their children, myself included.  Having overcome such an obstacle, have I lowered my standard for a man in terms of partnership, because I know I can physically take care of myself and my child?  Do I look at men as being just play things, that are fun but unnecessary objects?  No, absolutely not.  I am curious to find a man with an open heart.  I want a man who can filter his natural aggression and passion into productive work. I want a man who can accept who he is, and not run from his nature yet resist being unmercifully controlled by it.  I want him to value being understood.  I want a man who can think with his male brain and be capable of loving and accepting love.  For now, that is all.

So far I am delving deeper that I ever thought I would as a result of 52weeks52dates. I am throughly enjoying this project and all that it is teaching me. I find the process of writing and feeling with this immense clarity and vigor to be a bit overwhelming.  I am being challenged in ways I was not expecting, namely to be present with my actions and intentions. As a result I am experiencing changes in perception that bring me closer to whole.