What is it I really want? Since I don’t know when I am going to die and I may not get the luxury of a death bed, I want to know that at any given moment I could say that I loved. I want to know that before I die, I lived. I want to feel like my time was worth while. Here is how I do that.
Yesterday date#16 was the sweetest man alive in my bed eating chicken soup and today I am convinced he is trying to cause me to have an aneurism. Last night, he came down with a cold and I was more than happy to play nurse. I made him chicken soup from scratch and kept his mug full of tea with lemon and honey. He wasn’t feeling great the next morning but his friends were in from out of town, whom we had stayed with. I said I would be able to hang out with them after I finished work, he said that sounded great. In the middle of the day I began feeling a little under the weather and when I got out of work I sent a text and waited for his phone call.
At 7:30 p.m. he called me to tell me he was in an awkward situation and she was at his house. My first instinct of course was to say “What the fuck?”. But since my goal is to understand where he is coming from, these are the types of situations in which I must remain calm and not run away. I told him how I felt. I said because he broke plans with me to hang out with her, I felt like I wasn’t important to him and that I felt like an idiot. There were long silences on his part. I told him I wasn’t going to call him an asshole and hang up, I refused to do it. I know what your thinking, why are you putting up with this? Because my focus is no longer inflating ego, my purpose is no longer creating enemies. I no longer expect everyone around me to read my mind. In the face of conflict I can drop down into my heart and see the person with whom I have conflict with compassion. I no longer desperately use anger to control situations. They unfold as they will and I witness my emotions ebb and flow. I repeatedly asked him in a calm voice, “How did this happen?”, there were some awkward periods of silence. This is very important. I gave him space to answer the question. I didn’t lose my temper. Eventually he said that he neglected to speak up and she ended up over there. His friends from out of town wanted to see her and he was not able to peak up and say that he has already invited me to come over that night. We had already been on the phone for 10 minutes and it kept cutting in and out. He said he felt like, the conversation wasn’t over but he also felt like he needed to get back to the food he was cooking and should get off the phone. I emphatically said, “I am all for finishing the conversation later but you need to say something to make this better, because I am not going to spend the next 24 hours feeling like this!” He said that he didn’t mean to imply that she was more important than me. But he realized how I would interpret that way. I stayed calm. He apologized and said that he looked forward to talking more about it later. He offered to come over and make me soup and tea the next day day. I agreed and said I felt good enough to table the conversation until tomorrow. We very clearly said he was to come over at 1:00 p.m. I reiterated that meant he wasn’t supposed to make plans with anyone else for that time. We both laughed and agreed. We made it through.
In the morning:
I’m seriously at a loss for what to do, which means I should not decide anything and I most certainly shouldn’t run away. I think one thing that not running away has taught me is that I can state my needs and stand my ground instead of withdrawing. Sure sometimes I feel like I am being squashed like a bug but I think a little deflating of my ego could’t hurt. The truth is I am not really afraid of running away. I think its to late for that, what I am more afraid of is feeling bad and worthless based on the fact that he has a lot of growing up to do. I guess I have to weigh my options. Does what I feel for him make putting my pride aside and knowing that his lack of communication up front and planning have nothing to do with me? I can allow space. More than anything he is a sweet man that I can talk about all of this with. We have productive conversations. He does things that piss me off. He can be irresponsible. He makes decisions without considering the consequences. I get my feelings hurt. He’s coming over today to watch movies.
In the afternoon:
I’m sick and I am waiting for him to come over. He said he would be here at 1:00. It is now 1:01. I feel my stomach tense, I feel the fear rise into my body and my head calm it back down, I wait to hear the knock on the door. I take a deep breath, I know if he doesn’t show up now I am going to be faced with a serious dilemma of having to acknowledge that this relationship is not fulfilling. I have certain bottom lines and following through with your word is one of them. I am not willing to compromise trust and or following through. Where the hell is he? What the fuck am I doing, oh for god sake. With every minute that goes by I feel more and more stupid. He better show up soon. Is he testing me? That whats it feels like. I feel like he’s testing me to see how far he can push before I break.
conversation#1
“I’m an asshole and I suck at life”. I told him he must be getting some sick pleasure out of saying that because he wasn't really taking responsibility for what he had done or how it would be different next time. He said “And you want rob me of that pleasure?”, I burst out laughing. “Yes, yes I do” I said. I brought up seeing other people and how I was considering going out with other guys again. He said that he thought that was a good idea, I said that I didn’t want him to think it was a good idea. I confessed I was tempted to skew it into making him feel jealous. It started to become clear that he was not thinking in terms of where we were going. This was very difficult to hear. Sounds of shattering glass fell upon my ears. He just said he was not looking for a relationship. I told him I wanted to pick apart everything he had ever said and try to prove him wrong. He said that seemed the expected logical thing to do. I said I wasn’t going to do that. I asked if he had slept with her, last night. He said yes. I felt enraged, I said I was getting too upset and suggested we take a break and go for a walk and go rent a few movies. In hind sight, as I am remembering how that happened it feels so good, almost like I want to do it again. It’s like coming to the edge of orgasm and then backing away from it. Anyway we walked to the store and rented some movies.
conversation#2
We came back to my house and started the conversation again. We must have come to some satisfactory resolution, because we had sex. I walked him over in front of the mirror while he held me by all of my hair, performance oriented, but that is where we are right now. He is leading the dance right now. I wanted to ask him at some point if I still make him feel stuff, like he had said in the beginning. I felt him withdrawing. Him withdrawing is new, he feels me becoming attached. He has fear that being in a relationship leads him to not having freedom, like certain avenues are closed. He is not talking about just freedom to have sex with other women. He is talking about feeling emotionally responsible for them. I said I understood his point of view, and until now I didn’t know that a healthy relationship meant that no one felt trapped. We don’t make eye contact much during sex anymore, we stopped having slow passionate sex weeks ago. We are meeting each other where we are at. He is pulling away and I am letting out the line. I find I am still able to put my passion into sex if my mouth is doing the work. He can’t really feel the intensity in my heart when it’s in his lap. It’s a compromise. I tell him to come right away and I have some control over this sex that is only partially satisfying. He always gets me there, and can get me there fast because I am so attracted to him and I feel safe with him regardless of his guarded disposition. If we do make it through this period of separation, we will eventually be closer together again. This is why space is important. He said the other day that you can have a ton of space and not a lot of distance. Two houses can be on 50 acres of land each but they might be 10 feet from each other over the property line. He is telling me with his sex what he needs. I believe men speak with their bodies first. Their bodies are in tune with what they feel before the word form in their minds. By the time it occurs to them to use words to describe how they feel, it’s to late, they already feel in over their heads. Knowing this, I interpret body language to represent talking in a whisper, a warning sign. The first sign of a need being stated. I don’t believe that body language should be interpreted as permanent statement. I can look at it as his subconscious asking for what he needs. The way to make this work in a healthy way is to not predict his need but to be in-tune with my intuition and be aware that his needs are being communicated in a non- verbal way.
conversation#3
In the middle of the movie right at the part when they had agreed to be open free lovers, I had to say something. I couldn’t get around the fact that I saw us headed toward a relationship and he was so clearly saying that wasn’t what he wanted or where he thought we were headed. We had talk number three. Somehow we came to the conclusion that it might just have to be ok like that for a while. I was allowed to have my feelings and he was allowed to have his. We continued to watch the movie.
conversation#4
I just couldn’t stand it. I told him I wished there was an alternate universe I where I could say what I needed to say to him and then come back like it never happened. What was about to come out of my mouth wasn’t going to be peaceful, loving, or sane, I was erupting. I didn’t have to yell, but I felt like I had been pushed over my edge. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and his ex having sex. I tried to fight it, but against my better judgment I asked him who was better in bed. He said he didn’t really think about it in those terms. I gave him a “This hurts me more than it hurts you” look and said “Lie to me”. He said she smelled funny. It helped. I laughed and couldn’t help but notice, how he came up with an insult rather quickly. I adored the fact that he knew exactly what I was asking for, without me having to spell it out. Of course I wondered if he would say the same about me, if she had asked. but I don’t think she’s that smart. Yet, there was no escaping her, she was keeping me trapped between hell and and a hard place. Him being the hard place that I wish I was between and underneath.
My hurting head was spinning, words were flying out of my mouth. I didn’t even knowing what I was saying. Out of panic and despair I said “We can’t see each other anymore”. I felt my heart attack, then I said, “I can't survive that I’ll be crying for days”. Fuck, Fuck, I must love this suffering, or love him. I must why else would I keep doing it. Ok I’ll just stay and be humiliated by her on a weekly basis. What the fuck am I going to do? He said I don’t have to make a decision right now. He said that if we didn’t see each other then he would be ok with that. I said I didn’t want him to be ok with that. He said that If I changed my mind, he wouldn’t hold me to it. That’s when I felt it, I felt a strange and peculiar shift. I felt like my insanity was accepted. I let my guard down a little. I went off on a tangent concerning my distaste for her. He just sat there listening to me as I continued to rant from the bathroom. I exclaimed a number of reasons why I didn’t like her and why I thought he shouldn’t either. After my tantrum, I came back out and took a seat in front of my computer. He looked like he was falling a sleep, I fooled around online for a little while and then joined him in bed.
He’s has changed my values. I was thinking about sex and what it means. I used to think that being a sex goddess was the final destination and as long as I had them interested in sex, then I had them wrapped around my little finger, but the thing here is, he is getting sex from someone else so I’m left with what? On the third day that we had known each other we were laying in my bed and with tears in my eyes I acknowledged what was really important to me was his interest in me as a person. He said that he could see us being friends for a very long time.
Then today, he asked me if I’d be interested in a platonic friendship only? I said no. Thinking that it would be too hard but maybe that wasn’t what he was asking. After thinking about it for a while, I retracted my earlier statement and told him I was willing to be just friends. I guess I just got lost in the jealousy and the track and I wanted expected to go down. Did I forget my resolve to be his friend no matter what? Apparently I did. I got caught up in my desire, yet the desire is also so important. It is what fuels this fire. If what I am going for is equality in my relationship, then there is way more to intimacy than my using sex for power. My desire for an equal and fulfilling relationship leaves me feeling inadequate since I have always used sex to have the upper hand. Once again he breaks me down. We should work on the friendship it’s where I need work, in big way and where he is getting his needs met. Seems like a nice compromise to me.
What the fuck? What the hell am I doing? Everyone is going to think I am an idiot. Everyone will think I should have walked along time ago, everyone including me. I feel small and unimportant. I keep practicing trust but then inevitably I come back around to distrust. The disgusting details, of how I feel are something I wish I could keep off the record. I even thought about taking date#16 out of the writing completely. But Lylah insisted I keep on writing, and telling the truth so here goes. My head tells me I am stupid, my desire for peace is causing me to feel like a doormat. My desiring of him and not wanting to part ways is pummeling my ego and pride. I look pathetic. I have come so far, and what I really think is that at this point is I know absolutely nothing.
Dear Date#16,
I’m considering not putting you my blog/book from this point forward. The reason being that in the beginning my intention was to navigate the crazy world of dating, which turned into the crazy world of me, which turned into the crazy world of us. I feel on some level I was trying to demonstrate how open and honest communication and sustainable relationships can never fail. Now I am pretty convinced that I have no idea what I am talking about. All of my rules and lessons learned are irrelevant, each situation with you morphs and mutates depending on where you are and where I am emotionally. I like that you said that you wouldn’t be the one to say that you didn’t want to hang out with me. You have to understand that I am being as real as I can be and am trying to be happy. In one of my writings I say the lesson is in the mess. Well things between us certainly feel messy. Thank you for not becoming angry and freaking out last night when I was having a really hard time. Your baseline of friendship is really proving to me that it is ok to be myself around you. I hope you can feel the same. I love our conversations and how we try to stay calm and connected even when I slip and freak out every now and then. I love how you get along with Lucy and I enjoy when we all hang out together.
ME
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