The next morning we woke up and carried on as usual. I was content to let things be. A few days went by, I was working on giving him space. But then Friday morning I realized that there was a voice inside me that was no longer in denial anymore. I knew what I wanted, and what I wanted was him.
“To compromise is to make a deal between different parties where each party gives up part of their demand. In arguments, a compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance of terms—often involving variations from an original goal or desire. Extremism is often considered as antonym to compromise, which, depending on context, may be associated with concepts of balance and tolerance.”
How did you know he is the one worth staying for? Why do you stay? When is it time to move on?
Elijah’s friend who is in her thirties, motto is “never be the one who loves more”, but he says she’s bat shit crazy and single. So I started to wonder what if date#16 wasn’t willing to commit because he could tell I wasn’t either?
Here is what I’m not going to do, I will not write him a message right now saying that I’m over it and I deserve better, or am I? Well maybe I’ll write it, but I wont send it.
Dear Date #16,
As you know I have been torn between hanging in there with you or walking away. I realized I want something more consistent. I feel this is important and have decided to move on. I hope that you continue to find yourself and I hope I can stay open as I continue to find myself as well. You have taught me so much about staying present, communication, space, distance, sex and honesty. You are a wonderful man. I wish we could have continued to grow closer and perhaps turn that into a steady love and companionship. I see this is not what you want. After thinking about it, that is something that I am not willing to compromise. I know that I am very desirable, I am capable of a healthy relationship that feels good. If I’m not what you want, then there is no reason for me to wait outside your door. I know you said that you wouldn’t hold me to this if I changed my mind, but the thing is, I want my man to want me. I want to know that he adores me. I am not willing to participate in a one-sided relationship, friendship or other wise. I wish you the best with all of your projects and I am sure your beautiful light will shine through as you come deeper into yourself.
Peace, Love, Dove,
ME
Except I just did, I just sent it.
I called Lylah, and told her that I sent him that email. She stopped me from going into blaming him and I cried in the shower. All I could focus on was “Don’t lose it, hold it together” I knew if I really began to feel the implications of my actions I would be as good as stampeded. I had to focus on taking care of myself and getting support.
an hour later:
Oddly enough I feel fine. I feel right, just and good. This is what I have been waiting for, this feeling. This feeling of stoic uprising of power that know that I cant’t lose. I have reached my limit and he has said the magic words. He doesn’t want a relationship. I’m out. Ok I wont lie, it kinda hurts but that doesn’t mean I can’t handle it. I just do what I can to be true to myself and at the very least I know I want a relationship, I want a partner, someone to share my life with. I want a man who wants to be there in a romantic relationship, this is not something I can compromise.
I called Mark and he was available to have breakfast so we met at Zachary's. I was excited to share with him my perfect solution to my seemingly recurrent problem. Upon meeting a new guy in my future, I would broach the issue head on and ask “Are you interested in a relationship ever, at some point, with anyone?” It seemed logical to me. I was so tired of crashing and burning during the lift off period.
In the afternoon I went for a walk on West Cliff with a new dancer friend. I was especially grateful to have friends keep me company. I felt like I was on the verge of heartbreak catastrophe. After my friend and I parted ways, I walked over to the Lane to watch the surf competition for a little while before meeting up with Elijah, later in the evening. Some part of me was thinking a hot surfer boy would hit on me and get my mind off of date#16. As I approached the fence I noticed Ted standing there. The friend who had chosen to walk away from me because I wasn’t going to sleep with him. I was feeling so emotionally vulnerable and tender I really didn’t feel like telling him anything that was going on with me, but figured I could say hi. I was curious about what I might learn from this coincidence. I stood next to him and said hello, he said hi back. He asked me how I was. I answered “Crazy day but don’t really feel like talking about it”. It was awkward. I tried asking him about his life but he gave short answers. I asked him to tell me something enlightening. He said he had a girlfriend. I was surprised, as he struggles with commitment and I was curious what changed for him, maybe I was being too nosey. He told me they had been together for eight months, I asked if they said, I love you to eachother, he said no. I was surprised, and maybe a little judgmental. I said “How did you do it? commit?” He said that he would be fine if they broke up. I was confused. They were in a monogamous relationship, but didn’t say I love you and seemed that he could take it or leave it. So I opened my big mouth and said, “So does that mean you don’t care if you are with or without her?”. He got mad and snapped “How do we get always get into conversations like this?” he said. I was caught off guard by his anger and I quickly responed, “Oh, I forgot you don’t like talking, I’m going to go sit over here”, and moved down the cliff and sat on some ice plant. Eventually he left, then I left and went home.
Processing my grief around my distancing myself from date#16, was feeling oddly familiar. I have experienced it so many times with him before. It’s a very odd sensation. Yet, in the forefront of my mind I still can’t imagine my life without him. But I can’t even think about being just friends at this point, I need to put some distance between us. It funny because in the past this is what would lead to one of those back and forth break up get back together relationships. But somehow through this process I made sure of what I wanted, and was very clear about the fact that if our status was going to change, it must be completely initiated by him. I have an odd sense of joy and hurt and something like he is still with me in my heart. I would be lying if I said I don’t expect a miracle to happen and that we will still be together somehow, someday. But once again I know this about me, not about him. He is an awesome person and he did not abandon me. I know he would be willing to go to dinner with me if I asked. He liked me, it wasn’t about that. Right now my job is to take care of myself, surround myself with loving friends, and stay open to letting the surprise stuff happen. I can redefine this loss. I can look at it as a break, he’s still here and I will love him from a distance. I truly have no idea what the future will bring. I can love within this mystery too. The mystery of not knowing where his story will lead him and where my story will lead me. I have this sense of peace that all is not lost. He showed me what love is. I never would have admitted this yesterday, but I loved him. My fortune cookie after dinner tonight at Little Shanghai said, “Everyone has the right to choose ones own lifestyle” Well off to a bonfire on the beach with friends.
Elijah met me at my house and we drove over to Mark’s beach party. I told Elijah the whole story and he listened intently, as he always does, with amazing supportive intention. He listened with out blaming. We stayed back from the group so that we could talk privately. We walked down onto the sand. Mark seemed gruff and admitted he was grumpy. I leaned on him. I asked him if he wanted to dance it out. We walked a few feet away from the group and began throwing each other around, down onto the sand. We were blurting out words of frustration. The physical push and resistance was therapeutic. We kept wrestling until we felt a shift. We slowly tapered down and rejoined the group. The moon was yellow, enormous and headed toward the horizon. I stood there with two men who loved me even in my weakest moments. They are not waiting for their turn to sleep with me, they care about me as a person. Night fell and the bonfire grew, and Mark arranged for us to burn a woman figure as an offering, representing what we wanted to be rid of. We sang together accompanied by drums, the voices of community helped us let go of our fears. I let go of my fear of rejection.
Elijah and I went to Kiva for a hot tub and sauna. Elijah listened and validated my feelings. He did not attack date#16. Over the next few hours I let myself feel my feelings and I shared my grief. I cried in the sauna emptying my sadness, I liked date#16 so much we just wanted different things. I went back and forth from the hot sauna to the cold shower. I revealed a secret to Elijah, one which I had never said out loud before. I told him one of the ways in which I cope with extreme bursts of pain such as ripping off a bandaid, jumping into cold water or getting a shot is to convince myself that if I experience this short moment of extreme pain, I will get the love I wanted from my soulmate. I was sweating, my skin was hot and sadness traveled through my body. I stood under the shower waiting to pull the handle to release freezing cold water to pour over my head and flow down my body. I thought of him, I thought of how if he would only say he loved me back that I would endure all the pain in the world. The shock of the cold water, brought me back to reality and refreshed my senses.
By midnight I had determined that there was no way I was going to be strong enough to follow through with my plan of never seeing him again. Anytime I heard people talking about politics or heard a pun I cried. I had no idea how separating from him could be the right thing. I realized that all I wanted to do was tell him about it. I wanted to tell him that was having a hard time with my decision. By 1:00 a.m. I was sure the solution to the extreme pain I was feeling was was to tell him about it, after all telling him about what’s bothering me always makes me feel better. By 2:00 a.m. I was pretty sure I had no idea what I was talking about. I fell asleep to the thought of pure defeat. I was clear concerning one thing, I knew nothing.
The next morning I woke up at eight o’clock and I knew what I had to do. I needed to tell him we had to stay friends. I felt it in every cell of my body, and I had to tell him now. Should I get dressed and stop by his place on my way to work? Nope, right now. In my pajamas, teeth not brushed, hair disheveled, coffee in hand I drove over to his house. I knew there was a possibility he might not be there, that she might be there, or some other girl could be. I tried not to think about it. I drove over to his place with one thing circling in my mind, I could’t lose him. I pulled up, his van was there. I walked around the corner his bike was there. My feet crunched leaves and sticks as I walked on the path back to his place. He heard me coming and I saw him sit up in his bed through the glass door. I opened the door poked my head in and looked for her. He was alone, deep breath. I went in and sat down on his bed. He looked at me with an expression of excitement to see me, which quickly transitioned in to a look of fear. Fear of what I might say. I said “Can I just sit here until I figure out what I am going to say?” He wrapped his arm around my waist and held me tight. I looked at him and said, “We have to be friends, I don’t care what you do, we have to be friends”. “OK” he said. “I’m just so accustomed to telling you how I feel, I think I might need it”, I said. I laid down next to him and we talked about our week’s events. We were friends there was no denying it. We love to talk to each other. He squeezed me tight, our faces got close but we didn’t kiss. I felt right again.
later in the week:
I haven't eaten anything except cheese and crackers all day. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I am spinning out of control. I just booked a train ticket to Albuquerque, New Mexico, to go visit Jude. Everything is spinning so fast. I feel like the ground is just moving and my feet are supposed to just the ground running. I am feeling like I don’t want to think about anything anymore. I just want to do what I want. I’m tired of reading into things. Im tired of obsessing about shit that doesn't matter. I am ready to let go. So I will take a shower now.
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