It has the capacity to ruin us, to tear us apart. It can make us feel like we are nothing but a salable good. It can separate us. It destroys marriages, families and sibling relationships. It can cause people to walk away from religion and spirituality. It has been used to torture women, men, and children. It can arouse jealousy. It is used to demonstrate power, abuse power and to take power away. It is used to re-live trauma. It can induce shame and guilt. It is used to hurt oneself and to hurt others.
and...
It can begin life. It can create a feeling of wholeness. It can be a physical incarnation of true passionate love. It can take you places you never knew you could go. It makes you feel alive. It connects you to your animal urges. It can reveal the truth about someone. It can connect two souls who have been longing to meet again. It can bring you closer to God. It can bring pleasure to two people simultaneously with no effort at all. It creates a space for you to roll out of your consciousness and into each others. It gives you permission to occupy someone else's space and feel their essence dance with yours. It can fill your heart and insides with the warmest glow and comfort. It can fill that hole in your stomach. It is very important, because it connects.
It can bring you to your knees, it can make you feel like you’ll never be normal again, it can bring back memories of trauma that you wish never existed in the first place. It can make you feel like you want to die. It can make you long for more. It can inspire you to love again. It can create a longing for what once was. It can be an amazing way to get lost in their eyes. It can make you realize that when you love someone, and you are really attracted to them, that nothing in the world is better. It can break your heart. It can be repeated over and over and over in your mind. It can take your breath away.
“Do you want to watch a movie,”
translation: “I want to get close to you”,
“and snuggle?”.
translation: “so that we can have sex?”.
See the problem is, women always fall for this one because it appeals to their sense of nurturing and companionship. So let me clarify the confusion. Men are designed by nature, no matter how delusional they may be, to have sex. For most of my conscious life I have judged the aforementioned statement to be unforgivable. I now see that men are at the mercy of their biology. For the first time in my life, I see men as gentle creatures despite the fact that they are called to mating rituals not much more evolved than dogs. It’s a matter of how willing they are to rein in those urges in order to be present in the relationship at hand. Their desire to maintain interest and love in one woman regardless of nature pulling them in other directions, is not an impossible feat. We all have choices. As adults we all choose to participate in the situations we are experiencing. It is our responsibility to keep ourselves safe (and of course I am not referring to instances of rape/abuse). We must find our own boundaries and respect them. It goes back to personal accountability. If we were taught as children to respect ourselves and our bodies and this was reinforced by our culture, (men and women) I am sure taking care of ourselves when it comes to sex would not be be such a challenge. This change in my perception of men and their sexual orientation is so revolutionary to me, that even those letters that make up the word look a little less threatening. Sex. Sex. Sex.
The questions and answers concerning my moral obligations to the men I am dating are not cut and dried. One of the ways I have been fooling myself when it comes to relationships, is the belief that if I can predict how a person will act and brace myself for the impact, it might prevent me from getting hurt. When in fact it manifests the exact opposite outcome. I learned how to create my own fantasy and disregard reality. In examining my motives for 52weeks52dates, I realized that part of what makes this project so relevant, is that it requires not engaging in predictive decision making.
I am willing to create a general outline of ethical guidelines concerning my project, however I must remain open to what unfolds on a day to day basis. Here are some ideas I am playing with for initial ground rules. I think it seems appropriate to cut a man out of the blog after the first date. If I end up continuing to pursue an intrigue with such a man, they have a right to know that I will be writing about my other meetings with men by our third date (how optimistic of me, to think that I will actually make it to the third date with any of them). I will explain that I will be dating and pursuing this project for the next year. If hearing this information is misaligned with what is acceptable to them, then they have the choice not to see me again. If they are willing to cultivate a relationship with me knowing what I have laid out in front of them, then we have a deal.
So what about sex? I will not, I repeat will not have impulsive sex (not even a little). I obviously can’t make hard and fast rules as to if I will ever have sex with anyone I meet this year. However, in order to keep my wits about me, I need to be clear headed during this process and sex messes with my brain. In addition to these loose guidelines I will also be running these ideas and the weekly happenings, by my therapist on a regular basis, to keep my self on the level. I realize I’m playing with fire, and she can bring some much needed sane perspective to this circus. I was thinking this morning that I’m just being efficient. I’m 31 years old. I don't have that kinda time, to slowly develop relationships at a snails pace; one person at a time. My 20’s were useless as far as intimate relationships go. So, I’m just making up for lost time.
So what happens if I start to like someone? Well let me tell you why that is an irrelevant question at this stage in the process. Because of my attachment issues, I have a hard time not becoming attached quickly, and this usually happens with the people who mimic my very neurotic primary caregivers as a child. My friend Margaret suggested the possibility of getting to know people in the context of a relationship. I said “that’s impossible”. So far for at least 17 years I have been getting enmeshed too quickly and easily. I have a hard time staying in my solid self. This gets in the way of my getting to know someone clearly. I need some incentive to keep me from jumping in with both feet before I have any clue who they are, because as previous experience has taught me, sometimes getting out is not as easy as I think it will be.
My FIRST dates are encounters lasting all of 2 hours or so. Having never met them before, this is our very first interaction ever. I am not obligated to tell them anything about my self. PERIOD! What I have and who I am inside is sacred. I don’t owe them anything. I’m to old to not be skeptical. I think that to judge and hold others accountable for hurting my feelings, is an example of flawed logic as obvious as religious dogma. I want to touch on the fact that I now understand, that my feeling of over responsibility when it comes to turning men down is really an over inflated sense of importance. I have no reason to feel guilty about saying, “your fine and I’m not feeling it” and move on. The real issue is fine tuning what I feel. And I think that takes time, even when deciphering feelings about just one person. I think it’s important to remind myself that I have the freedom to take as long as I want to decide whether I’m feeling chemistry or not. I never have to rush into explaining my feelings....ever.
Well stated my dear...take ing your power BA k after being hurt and learning the word No! Excellent!
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