So when I tell people about my dates and how lately it seems I am not finding the qualities I am looking for, I am often asked the question:
“How old are they?”
“29? oh, well their just too, young.”
“32? oh, their still immature”
“36? oh, well there not old enough”
How old to do they have to be before their mature?
“Some of them never mature”
Jesus. So then what’s the point of basing anything on age at all? I realize I am fighting a losing battle, but in some ways it like gaming logic. If I don’t play the game, I can’t ever win. Part of this experiment is to help narrow my focus as to what I want to attract, but the other part of me feels that this is just some kind of karmic chutes and ladders. The main point is that inevitably my process will lead to learning something that will help me feel more content in a way I can’t foresee right now.
I have to make an amendment to my code of ethics. If I go out on a second date with a man and I tell them about the blog and project 52weeks52dates, and they like they idea and are willing to have me continue writing about them, then I can go ahead and write followups.
So my repeat date with date#2 was the first date I told. He was enthusiastic about my idea and began culminating all the possible ways he could make it work to his benefit. Such as, being privy to inside information about himself and as he put it “his competition”. He even began to try and solve my obvious time management issues if I intend to double dip on a regular basis. I was very thrilled to receive his encouragement and appreciated his willingness to communicate about my newly revealed motives. We went out for dinner at a mexican restaurant resembling a castle of sorts in Campbell (everything seems so huge when I leave Santa Cruz). We went to dinner at my request, because his first suggestion was movie night at his house and I felt that was a little to forward for our second date. I assume he is not a foodie as the food was mediocre but the conversation was stimulating. After I told him about the blog I and my project, I felt a huge sense of relief wash over me and I felt quite validated and relieved. Then just as I was about to bask in the glow of my artistic freedom and excitement of beginning on a clean slate, I remembered.....Lucy. My face went limp, my eyes fixated on a point of nothingness in space. Quickly I assessed whether I thought I would be seeing him again, and when my answer was yes, I knew I was not off the hook quite yet. He noticed my cosmic crash and said “I just watched you completely space out, that was so cool”. So I figured now was a better time to tell him then later. “I have a three year old”, I said. He was not put off by that and he was completely open to my having a child (as I am writing this I can’t help but wonder if his lack of negative judgment was related to the possibility that I was just another prospective fuck buddy).
Then we laughed and laughed and laughed. And then I laughed some more. I felt truly appreciated for who I was. I was being myself completely. I was able to let loose and show my wacky zany side that is always doubting its acceptance. Yet there was no doubt. I was confident in myself. Did I mention he is hysterical? This man is definitely one of the two funniest people I have ever met. I had to get up early the next morning for my marathon training, so I felt it necessary to be back at my house by midnight. But I didn’t want to go home, it was only 9:00 when we finished dinner. So he asked me if I would like to continue to hang out longer, and I said we could go to his house. I grabbed my leftovers and we went to his place to watch a movie. As I mentioned earlier I was very consciously aware that by going to his house I was playing with fire. Impulsive sex was not an option, but I was enjoying his company.His owns is a three story townhouse. He gave me the tour and asked me to pick a movie. He presented to me, his bachelor fridge. Inside were some sports drinks and condiments which lined the vast abyss of the interior that held only shelves. Very clean and very San Jose. No incense, no tapestries, no antiques, just new polished out of the box furniture and a big screen T.V. He showed me the other two levels and we went into his home office and I asked him if he wanted to read his segment. He liked it. He also showed me his online writing of “How To Write a Good Online Dating Profile”. It was pretty good. We went back downstairs and I chose to watch “He’s Just Not That Into You”. We got close on the couch and I felt that the magnetism between us was changing polarity intermittently. At one moment he was drawing closer to me and I pulled in closer to him, and the next, he pulled in and I pulled away. I was playing with the line of my comfort level being this close to a stranger. Nonetheless I was attracted to him in a questionable sort of way. It wasn’t a clear passionate draw like it has been with other lovers. Something felt slightly wrong about it. Was it his cologne? His obvious attempt to get close too quickly? So I just regulated what I was comfortable with and acknowledged my own boundaries.
Despite the indeterminate level of attraction, I wanted to kiss him. Not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to. His humor resonated in me like the sound of a gong. It was so powerful that it in itself made my heart flutter. It was like my brain was so stimulated by him, that it was in control of my heart. About half way through the movie our kiss was implemented quickly. I have had first kisses in the past where the air and space between us was so heavy, my heart was swollen and the nonphysical contact was electric. It was lost on us. There was no pause. It felt like it happened with no static. We kissed and watched the movie intermittently, and took what he jokingly called “make-out breaks” During these breaks I was able to get my wits about me. He liked to talk through movies, as do I. We finished the movie (it was ridiculous, and yes per usual, my reaction to movies with terrible, unrealistic endings, I was outraged) and I was late for my projected time of getting home. It was midnight. He drove me back to my car and I tried to access his motives. After all the sexual advances I began to wonder if this was something I was willing to dedicate some of my very sparse free time to. He had some expectations that he communicated concerning sex. Basically he was willing to wait but not too long, and even put a rough time limit on it. He also said “Just because you wont have sex with me tonight does’t mean I am looking at you negatively”. Which is when I had, had it. I said “Did I just hear that correctly?” Now maybe he was just preemptively trying to squelch my revealed codependent issues, but thats not how I took it. It made him seem like he thought he was entitled. But even though my reaction was heated, he could handle it. I really liked that he was able to talk through my excited response and we were able to communicate about what I thought was going on. Eventually we were parked next to my car and I explained that I didn’t see us going out again because it seemed the like there was too much emphasis on sex. He suggested we didn't make any hard and fast decisions, as it was late and perhaps I was little riled up from my reaction to the conclusion of the movie. I agreed, and he said “I’m going to get out of the car...” I said, “NNOOOOOOO....I have to get out first!”. Somehow I felt that if I had a repeat of the form of date#1 I would have lost my pride. I scrambled to try and get out of the car first, but I could’t find the door handle. As I was pawing, reaching desperately, he turned on the interior light and calmly grabbed the handle for me. I got out of the car and felt like I caught my first breath after coming up from the bottom of the pool. HahHa, my dignity still intact, I thought. He was still sitting in the car. He leaned toward the open door, looked up at me and said “Can I get out of the car now?” Regaining my composure, I said “Yes.... yes now you can get out”. We hugged and held each other and kissed. He made me laugh more as we embraced in the best proportion, as he is two inches taller than me (my favorite). I got into my car and drove back over the hill feeling pretty good about finding the balance of having fun and keeping myself safe. He told me to text him when I got home, so he knew I made it home safely. I texted him when I got back and he reiterated he wanted to see me again. I said that was most likely.
Then he sent me another text saying:
“I read the first couple installments of the blog, and rule#1 and rule#2 are out of the bag”
I texted back:
“Fuck”
“Shit”
He replied:
“Hey only one of us can have Tourettes, ok?
I lay there in my bed and I laughed myself to sleep.
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